Poetry Forum

On me,
there is a layer of scratchy red velvet.
Covered by a layer of ghostly white silk.
And sometimes, but only sometimes
I make a minuscule incision in the fabric
so I can check on the velvet
and be sure it’s still there.

Don’t worry- I always manage to sew it back up
so people wont see that
inside... I’m ugly. And Red.

My pale coat leaves traces of these constant check-ups.
It was once a seamless garment.
So I learn to hide.

People think it’s wrong, you know?
To know what goes on inside of you....
They say it’s better just to wonder about the second layer.
They would find shame in my curiosity.

I won’t let them see.
I’ll wear a lot of bracelets.

care to comment?

I say I say I say,

Sorry TG, can't seem to help but quote other poems in relation to posts just lately, which isn't much use.

As usual the subtlety of your writing makes it a pleasure to read.

Because your writing is so meticulous, certain weaknesses tend to stand out, such as:

"They say it’s better just to wonder about the second layer. "

I doubt THEY do.

Just a niggle in an otherwise great read.

And here is Simon's Version:

Anyone here had a go at themselves
for a laugh? Anyone opened their wrists
with a blade in the bath? Those in the dark
at the back, listen hard. Those at the front
in the know, those of us who have, hands up,
let's show that inch of lacerated skin
between the forearm and the fist. Let's tell it
like it is: strong drink, a crimson tidemark
round the tub, a yard of lint, white towels
washed a dozen times, still pink. Tough luck.
A passion then for watches, bangles, cuffs.
A likely story: you were lashed by brambles
picking berries from the woods. Come clean, come good,
repeat with me the punch line 'Just like blood'
when those at the back rush forward to say
how a little love goes a long long long way.

-- Simon Armitage

didn't you use this poem a a reply to one of Keith's poems?

probably, it was certainly relevant with this one.

One of my favourite poems.

I like it as well.

How should I fix the pro-noun predicament in this poem?

Are you refering to the subjective?

Why do you want to fix it?

I was referring to "people" which is vague enough in its own right.

"People think it’s wrong, you know?
To know what goes on inside of you....
They say it’s better just to wonder about the second layer.
They would find shame in my curiosity. "

After reading it aloud, something about it lacks clarity.


I want to fix it because I want it to be better. And I want you to think it is better.

In the age old question of public vs. personal recognition... I choose a third side. I do not care what the public thinks of my poems, or whether they are ever published, even after I die. And I care too much to say that the only thing that matters to me when writing a poem is whether or not I "like" it. I like all of my poems. If I do not like one it ceases to exist.

I would prefer to be recognized as a good poet by a small group of respected individuals, friends, and family.

You camus, fit into the "well respected for poetic talent stranger's" group.

Pronouns are a terrible invention anyway. There must be a more specific way to talk without repeating ourselves. I'll figure it out......


.tg.

Ok sorry,

I see what you're saying, I didn't relate it to my comment - note to self - remember what you say.

Actually it wasn't so much the "They" a little enigma never hurt anyone. More the fact of what they were saying "it’s better just to wonder about the second layer"

I was wondering who would say that? other than your own thoughts or demons - perhaps

I like the way you toss in direct language "People think it’s wrong, you know?" works well for me!

La de da.

great poem

i wouldn't change it

well i'd probably swap 'they' for 'mother'

ace last line!

People tell me it's a sin
To know and feel too much within.
I still believe she was my twin, but I lost the ring.
She was born in spring, but I was born too late
Blame it on a simple twist of fate.

Dylan

Just reminded me of your second last stanza.

Cam

People think it’s wrong, you know?
To know what goes on inside of you....
"Better just to wonder about that second layer,
Curiosity killed the cat, you know."

Fluff of a change, really.

I like the tie between being dollish and the wrists. In Spanish, the word for "doll" and "wrist" is the same--a wonderful subtlety. I can't help but think it may be thusly in your native Portuguese as well.

Nice work. Pity no one in Othello tried his hand at cutting...

Yes, a pity.

I would have liked to turn this poem in. Instead I turned in a pile of shite written the night before.

Ah well, perhaps a modern day Desdemona would feel the need to show herself some pain?

.tg.

Would've saved her a helluva lot of time...

The word for today is ameliorating.

Ameliorating is what tg appears to have done in the past few months.

Impressive, truly.