Out to Launch

[Oskar]

The neon tiger laps against a martial tide
It's 8:16 along the Janus line
Dr. Jekyll drinks a draft to nonesuch
and grand delinquent designs

Mongering in subterranean platform shoes
he counts the Little Boys in silo pits
Then puts his finger to the button
launching tourette starter kits

[Pomme de Terre]

The first line is excellent. You've carefully displaced the objects and placed them in contradictory settings. This works so well because its pure poetic invention and as such is able to create a startling, and yet coherent, image.

These contradictory images are abound throughout. However, some lines read better than others. Whilst the lack of punctuation works well for this poem, I think at times the reader can lose their place.

What this really needs is fleshing out. You have a very promising repertoire of lines and phrases, all you need to do is expand and play around with it a bit more.

A good effort.

[barrie]

I see what Pomme means by reversing the subject and object, but I think there may be more to it than that. If martial tide means the increasing aggression on the streets, then the neon tiger could be the city whose attempts to bite back are mere 'laps' with a rough tongue.
Nice linking up of the Janus line with Dr.Jekyll - How two-faced they both were (are). The comparison of youths to atomic bombs works well - the only fall-out resulting from bad behaviour and bad language (tourette starter kits - nice one). Mind you, with the size of some of them today you could have used Fat Man as well as Little Boy

That's how I read it.

Suggestions - Maybe a big - T for Tourette.

good one

Barrie

[Babbit]

Again, to re-iterate previous points, I do love the first line. I wonder if the use of 'martial' is a clever play on the poet himself, tying in with his epigrams depicting human life and satirising city living?
Were you meaning Janus in terms of change and transitions such as maturing young boys or representative of the middle ground between youth and adulthood? Either way, it is a wonderful parody of our rail service...
I think it interesting you use Dr. Jekyll as opposed to Mr. Hyde, and wonder if this is something to do with the film representation of him as dull and bland, compared to Hyde's suave mannerisms (referring to The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll)
The first line of the second stanza is another gem. Hurrah! The use of silo pits is clever; reminded me of coal storage for the railways, storage of bulk materials in general (possibly the youth of today?!) and the hazards associated with loading and unloading them... 'tourette starter kits' to rid the pits of the boys? Good plan.
I'd quite like a Lanyon character in this poem - perhaps the death of a small part of society we used to cherish...

[Old Poet]

I think I'm standing on a continental divide of sorts. None of this makes any sense at all. The language is foreign. Am I in the land of Oz?

I do, however, have one suggestion. Replace "grand delinquent" with "grandiloquent."

[dogofdiogenes]

Oskar,

I enjoyed this and it confused me at the same time. Am going away to try and think which way round that all is-I'm on nights; my mind could make a lump of coal glow grren.

doggeddog

[Oskar]

This poem is about the 38th Parallel and the division of Korea. Perhaps I should have kept my original title - Kim II'll Fix It.

Pomme

Thanks for a useful crit. I had every intention of writing something light hearted, along the lines of

Can it really be that hard
to be a North Korean border guard?

and following on from there. However, what I was left with, after alot of alterations was quite different in style and substance. Unfortunately, after I'd boiled it all down, there wasn't much left of it either. I agree that it could do with fleshing out and will persevere to that end. Thanks.

Barrie

I like your interesting angle on the poem. Very neat. I'll substitute a big T for a little t. Thank you Tteacher.

Babbit

Were you meaning Janus in terms of change and transitions such as maturing young boys or representative of the middle ground between youth and adulthood?

I used Janus to depict the foward looking tiger economy of South Korea, contrasting it with the backward Cold War posturing adopted by North Korea.

I get the strong impression that you commute to work by train. You have my sympathies.

Old Poet

I think I'm standing on a continental divide of sorts. None of this makes any sense at all. The language is foreign. Am I in the land of Oz?

I love it! Keep 'em coming.

Replace "grand delinquent" with "grandiloquent."

I had grandiloquent in mind when I separated it into two parts, to emphasise North Korea's international standing as a Pariah State. I appreciate your suggestion though.

dog

Sleep well and dream well.

[twoleftfeet]

Oskar,

I had much the same interpretation as Barrie on this one: aggro on the Underground - I think it was Jekyll that did it.
viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5046&hilit=jekyll.

Admittedly, I was a little perplexed by silo, but eventually I took it to mean the warren of subways that
link the interchanges.

"Tourettes's starter kits" - fucking "A"!

"Grand delinquent/ grandiloquent"? - BPA is watching

Nice one
Geoff

[Oskar]

Geoff

Ah! I can see why your thoughts turned to the Underground. Thanks for the link. Very nice piece of writing - but I wonder if you're not being just a tad Bernard Ingham with the truth? Could it be that this Jekyll character was really just a music lover on the wrong end of some dubious busking from your good self?

Cheers

Don Partridge

[emuse]

Oskar I really enjoyed this one. I have to admit I was in the dark as well since the Janus line is something foreign to my mind but having read through the thread I was able to really appreciate what you've done. The word play here is wonderful. I didn't see the holes as Pomme did but perhaps it is metric and I admit that is not my forte.

Cheers,

e

[Oskar]

Thanks e. I appreciate your comments. Sorry for bumping this one folks, but it would have been rude not to reply!

[beautifulloser]

Hey Oskar

I liked the change in style from your more light hearted stuff and I thought it worked really well, some lovely turns of phrase. Like Geoff, have to agree that "tourette starter kits" is just utterly fabulous and also a return to a very Oskar sort of play on words with the usual sharp witted humour. I also got laregly the same interpretation as the other guys too.

Nice change in style and enjoyed muchly.

me
xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Oskar]

Cheers Beau

Yes, it's a different style for me. Thought it was worth having a go. It was a challenge trying to develop an idea along fairly serious lines, although that's not where my real interest lies.

Now let's let this bugger sink to the bottom of the pond!