Nettles

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dogofdiogenes
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Fri Jul 18, 2008 7:32 pm

Nettles.

Nettled, I am. The pikemen of the field
were battle-squared and skirmished
with my hand. Now, as sots,
they whirl in
minor breezes and sharpen up
attack; eyeless
before the enemy. So
charged with war they attract spite
from the raging skin.
Nature contains such thuggery.

Sibilance as the air is flailed.
The hairshirt rabble will take territories
in sidings and the car springs shall
burn slowly. Allotments fall,
gain emperors-
little imperialists which sway
until scythed, easily.

They stay underground and
weld weapons for another season.
Quivering they will again process
in sunlight, raised up by
time on turf to claim their tithes
on my limbs and the light on the ground.


Usual stuff, please. Haven't written anything for a couple of months, now.

dozingdog :|
I never give explanations-Mary Poppins (Management in the NHS-rewritten by Nightingale F,. original by Hunt,.G)
David
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Fri Jul 18, 2008 7:53 pm

Posting again, jacq? Hurrah!

I like this, although I'm not wild about starting with Nettled - it has that implication of slightly ridiculous annoyance, but that may be what you mean.

Not sure also about a couple of other word choices - sots and sibilance, really - but there are lots of good ones.

And clarity is not a problem.

Nice one.

Cheers

David
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barrie
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Fri Jul 18, 2008 8:11 pm

Hope you don't me messing (just a bit) with this.

The pikemen of the field
were battle-squared and skirmished
with my hand. Eyeless before the enemy,
they sharpen up,
whirl in minor breezes. So
charged with war they stir up spite
from the raging skin.

The hairshirt rabble will take territories
in sidings and the car springs shall
burn slowly. Allotments fall,
to imperialist masses which sway
until scythed, easily.

They go to ground and
weld weapons for another season.
Quivering they will again process
in sunlight, raised up by
time on turf to claim their tithes
on flesh and the light on the ground.


That's my take on it anyway. The opening reminded me of the old Welsh poem Cad Goddeu -'The Battle of the Trees'.

'The holly, dark green, made a resolute stand;
he is armed with many spear-points wounding the hand.'


The second nettle poem this week.

Good to see you posting again.

nice one

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
Elphin
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Fri Jul 18, 2008 8:57 pm

Great your back, jacq

Nettled, I am reminded me of the little elf thing in Harry P or was it golum in LOTR - anyway best dropped and then I think barrie has some good pointers.

elphin
dogofdiogenes
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Sat Jul 19, 2008 11:27 pm

Yo dudes,

Many thanks for your comments. Am very rusty, so appreciate your thoughts.

barrie-have pm'd you.

jac :D
I never give explanations-Mary Poppins (Management in the NHS-rewritten by Nightingale F,. original by Hunt,.G)
beautifulloser
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Sun Jul 20, 2008 1:42 am

Shhhh . . fffff-uck-moo-cow. Bit of alright on the scratchiness, this.

S1 is really good.

Reckon you could lose S3. The stings don't hurt that much, do they? Just need to tread a bit heavier. Stamping where ya stung. Lighter in heart.

I dunno, think this is good. Enjoyed it, but I think the best of it finishes at S2. Travis has been as brutal with some of my recent efforts, and I think the man is right. Less is more . . . sometimes. Then again, I think it it might be nice to express myself without cliches, but I'm far too shallow for that.

Nice one me old china.

big kiss
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barrie
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Sun Jul 20, 2008 1:15 pm

Elphin wrote:barrie has some good pointers.
- Seeing as this is a poem about nettles, I think this should be referred to the BPA
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
zkhestanova
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Tue Aug 19, 2008 8:32 pm

Barrie's thinking of Cad Goddeu is apt. Had you been reading The White Goddess at all? - Riddle me a riddle... I'll come back to this to look closer, I promise. zalina, x
"I move in strange tropics and deal in high explosives, embalming fluid, jasper, myrrh, smaragd, fluted snot, and porcupines' toes." Henry Miller (Third or Fourth Day of Spring)
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