How does it feel (explicit language)

[brianedwards]

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[brianedwards]

No takers on this one?

Is it the explicit language warning putting people off? It's stated in tthe guidelines but I have noticed some posters ignore this. What's the deal?
Hey, I'm new - don't wanna go ruffling any feathers . . . .

Cheers.

B.

[Travis]

Is it the explicit language warning putting people off? It's stated in tthe guidelines but I have noticed some posters ignore this. What's the deal? Come on, answer the fucking question.

I don't think it's anything specific, Brian. Seriously. Sometimes it's just like that. Don't worry, I'm sure it'll get picked up soon enough. They always do.

Now if I were to stretch myself to give some sort of tangible answer to your question, I'd say that the length of the poem isn't doing it any favors. But at the end of the day I don't think it's the reason people are steering clear. I think they just are, as happens from time to time. Again, they all get picked up eventually.

Oh yes, and the weekends are always the worst. Not a lot of activity compared to the rest of the week.

I'm going to walk out now without giving you a critique! I'll be back though, I promise.

[brianedwards]

Thanks SS.

Too long? LOL - not a fan of Ginsberg or TS Eliot then?

Thanks for peeking in - looking forward to that review.

B.

[Travis]

My reviews are horrible, don't get too excited. Now if I could only write myself, then they wouldn't be so bad. I'll have to try that, to write decently some day!

Too long? LOL - not a fan of Ginsberg or TS Eliot then?

Again, I'm horrible. So it's my fault that you didn't understand. I meant that the length of the poem isn't doing you any favors in the sense that it's more difficult to crit than a shorter piece. There's more for a person to sift through, that sort of thing. Another way to look at it is like this - if critiquing a short poem is like driving a handful of nails, then critiquing a longer poem is more like putting an arse in a cat. I know, once stated it seems obvious. But you'd be surprised how many people fail to grasp the difference between a nail and a cat's arse.

[Sharra]

Hiya
As SS said, this one's going to take some time to do a proper crit, but just as a quick response, I liked where you were going with this and the feel of it, you have created a believable voice. I was a little confused with the events in places and I think it could do with a bit of tightening up, but you have some great line breaks in here, I especially liked

and things are different from
now
on
in

I'll hopefully have time to write some more this evening.
Sharra
x

[barrie]

Not my sort of thing at all, Brian. The set-up arrest, the prison bus, the prison and the thoughts - It all sounded too familiar, like a montage of all the prison films I've seen, plus the Deathwish sock containing a battery instead of coins.
If you were using the story as analogy, or a parable or whatever, then I'd say take out the essence and give us it in a shorter, concentrated and more original form. As it is, I only read it as a story. Unfortunately, one that's been told in so many different ways before.

Sorry to sound harsh - maybe other's will see it differently.

Barrie

[brianedwards]

No problem at all Barrie. Can't win 'em all.
This has been well received elsewhere, and I'm sure it'll receive equal amounts of negative reaction.

Thanks for looking.

B.

[Wabznasm]

Brian

I've got to ask about the enjmabment. Is it all deliberate? I mean splitting up names, taking articles away from their nouns, jumping mid sentence... if its going for an effect then I can't quite get it to be honest. This would be good as a performed piece, but at the mo I find it quite a jarring read.

I felt the best bits in this (and it was enjoyable) were when you zoomed in on something small - the weight in the sock was a particularly good section because the detail worked so well. But the setting up in the beginning felt more necessary than anything else. I would say just cut all of the narrative out and give us some scenes, like the part with the sock as an entire poem. Matthew Sweeney, in Black Moon, is very good as just ignoring narrative and dropping in on plain-spoken moments. May be worth a look.

Dave

[Sharra]

Hiya
I wondered if the first stanza was necessary, it doesn't feel as hard hitting as the others, and I was left wondering why the parents called him home to the police rather than the police going and getting him if they knew where he was.
Also if it was me I would look at some of the line breaks, maybe place more important words at the end and don't give away that the image continues onto the next line
eg
and thinking you can hear
a third voice, just before
you enter the kitchen
and five minutes later knowing
you were right
when the police walk in

I did like this stanza.
I didn't like the 'armed wobber ' though, it took me out of the mood of the poem and felt a little silly - although I did like the idea of just being a kid with a gun.
I got confused where it was going to be honest, I liked the stanza about the battery, but it didn't seem to fit the order of events. Would this work as an opening stanza, setting the scene?
I think this has the potential to be very disturbing, but just feels a bit incoherent at the moment.
Sharra
xx

[brianedwards]

Thanks for all the comments.
This has been around for a while, and is a good piece for performance, as suggested.
Curious note about this one: it's been much better recieved in the US and Japan than with a UK readership. Can't figure out why that might be . . .
Anyway, cheers!

B.

[dl04]

I can see the eagerness to just project your feelings across, but it's way too much IMo and most of it seems to just tenuously reiterate past stanzas. One of the things i didnt like was the constant repitition of 'How does it feel' (It may have worked for Dylan in Like a Rolling Stone but i dont think the repetition works that well here). It's not placed in the poem subtley either, it's in nearly every stanza. Sometimes when you hear the same phrase over and over, you start to doubt how nessecary it is.

They are some nice quirky lines in here, but i feel you have to focus in on the things you want really want to say. Sometimes i feel some of the phrases you've used are for background purposes to highlight the more profound lines, but IMO it's actually the opposite.

Dont give up though, because you already had a quite distinctive style

dl04.

[David]

My problem with this, Brian, is that, to judge by your various posts - which are well-written, intelligent, often witty - you appear to be, like me and a lot of others here, a nice middle-class chap of a certain age. And the poem seems to have been written by a nice middle-class chap of a certain age. The voice didn't seem credible to me.

If you are in fact a hardened crim, I apologise, and please don't kill my cat.

Can't explain the Japanese and American enthusiasm for it. Interesting that.

For me, just not your scene, but I've been wrong before, and continue to be so on a regular basis.

Definitely a pleasure to have you posting here, though. Looking forward to it for the future.

Cheers

David

[brianedwards]

This is a little old, so perhaps my poetic voice has evolved somewhat since written. Still, nice middle class chaps have a past too David!

Nevertheless, there is a middle class chap in this poem, if you listen. Seems it's being read differently here than intended.

Still, thanks for looking.

B.

(By the way, where is it written that writers must only write from experience. Imagine how much of Shakespeare we would lose if that were a "rule"!!!)

[David]

Bri, you're right of course. It doesn't have to come out of personal experience.

But it does have to sound convincing. It didn't, for me, but that's just me.

Onwards and upwards.

Cheers

David

[brianedwards]

Thanks David.

[h.s. gallows]

i disagree with what the majority of people have posted here concerning impressions of the narrator. i think you establish an incredibly unique tone here, as raw as it is, and there is definitely some potential to be found in it. it reminded me, perhaps, of a young ginsberg. it lacked the indirectness and verbose nature of ginsberg, sacrificing that for a genuinely passionate tone that reeked of teen angst (where, here, that is a real positive). if you wish to tone down the whole "youthful essence" of the piece which i think was significantly contributing to the impression of the narrator as unreliable or unbelievable to others on this board, i'd pay more attention to the opening few stanzas, syntactically. the arrangement of phrases - "just like that like how a kid/would say it cos that's what you are" - i mean that just screams "wound up teenager", to me.

i though the aggression suited it though, and this could turn to a real shining piece with some careful revising. what i'd do, personally, is try to throw in some sparks of typical "beat genius". essentially one line alluding to a greater social or political message more directly can make all the difference - encourages the reader to engage a more metaphorical interpretation which i think (as someone previously noted) this was lacking.

eh, i'm drunk, but this was a really interesting.

[brianedwards]

Thank you h.s.gallows.
This is a piece I am very happy with, so all the negativity expressed means nothing.
I am glad you enjoyed the ride.

B.

[David]

Thank you h.s.gallows.
This is a piece I am very happy with, so all the negativity expressed means nothing.
I am glad you enjoyed the ride.

B.

Now, was that negativity? Or objectivity?

Discuss.

[brianedwards]

Touche, my friend!
Retracted.

B.

[David]

Zut alors, mon ami!

Mind you, you are right. In a sense, only your opinion matters. To thine own self be true etc.

Taken to its logical conclusion, however, there would be no need for fora such as this. And is there a need for them? Well, I think so, I find this place very helpful (on the whole), and sometimes, if what you (and, sometimes, I) produce appears to be caviar to the general, what can you do but shrug your shoulders, Gallically, and light another Gauloise?

Cheers

D.

[stuartryder]

Is the disjointed style deliberate or ill-disciplined? That's the only question I have on this one.

As you have said already Brian, this is a finished piece so there's no workshopping to be had.

Cheers

Stuart

[brianedwards]

Is the disjointed style deliberate or ill-disciplined?

Stuart

Take a wild guess!!

Yes, apologies for posting this. I know this is suposed to be a workshop, but being new, was keen to make a good impression
so chose already published poems for first couple of posts. Interesting responses though,from which I've taken much.

Cheers.

B.