Poetry Forum

revision

On our tropical veranda
beneath a painted, tin-roof shelter,
with the luxury of downtime
in refreshing forest shade,
we mused on our commitment
to the conservation project
and wondered if in future,
perhaps, we might get paid.

A pair of big brown eyes
rose above the balcony
with a pack of wafer biscuits
and a bobbing, girlish chin.
A little anthropologist
was deep in contemplation
of the out-of-town arrivals
and their fascinating skin.

Each action by those tourists
was fixed with rapt attention;
every detail of appearance
encompassed by that gaze.
With a large enough collection
of crunchy, sweet confections
she might have stayed there,
peering in at us, for days.

Her softly chiding mother,
aware of irritation to
the European house guests
called that scientist away.
It was time to feed the chickens
and dry the cocoa harvest,
then, once daily chores were over,
there might be time to play.




original

Sat on our veranda
beneath a painted, tin-roof shelter,
with the luxury of downtime
in cool, but heavy, Indonesian shade.
We mused on our commitment
to the conservation project
and wondered if in future,
perhaps, we might get paid.

A pair of big brown eyes
rose above the balcony
with a pack of wafer biscuits
and a bobbing, girlish chin.
A little anthropologist
was deep in contemplation
of the out-of-town arrivals
and their fascinating skin.

Every action by those tourists
was fixed with rapt attention;
every detail of appearance
encompassed by that gaze.
With a large enough collection
of crunchy, sweet confections
she might have stayed there,
peering in at us, for days.

Her softly chiding mother,
aware of irritating
her valuable house guests
called that young scientist away.
It was time to feed the chickens
and dry the cocoa harvest,
then, once daily chores were over,
there might be time to play.

This is a really charming little travel story, og. I like the fact that you enjoyed the moment - as did your guest - and there's no hand-wringing or platitudinizing about the debilitating effect of tourism on native cultures etc. (That may well be true, but it shouldn't spoil a moment like this.)

Nice jaunty rhythm (and rhyme!) too.

Cheers

David

What David said. A really enjoyable vignette. I like the relaxed rhyme. Deleting "but heavy" from l4 would make it fit better. In general you could tighten up the metre just a wee bit - but I've no serious suggestions here.

Yes, good stuff. My own quibble regarded 'every detail of appearance', which felt a tad awkward to me. I'd suggest something like 'every detail, every line'...

Cheers,

Jon

The rhymes on the fourth and eight lines and the rhymes/half rhymes elewhere are quite subtle and really help to push the rhythm of this.
k-j pointed out a line where I noticed a falter -

in cool, but heavy, Indonesian shade. My suggestion would be to drop Indonesian and put an article before cool.

in the cool, but heavy shade.

The other place I felt the rhythm was interrupted was in the last verse -

Her softly chiding mother,
aware of irritating
her valuable house guests
called that young scientist away. What made it seem worse at first was the fact that I pronounce valuable with only two syllables (valubul), but after correcting that, it still didn't sound quite right. The only suggestion I have is to change the final line of the quote to -

'took her scietist away' - Then again, I could have the rhythm all screwed up in the first place.

We can never hope to please all accents and dialects when it comes to rhyme and rhythm, but I'd hate to see conformation to RP for the sake of universal appeal.

Anyway, I enjoyed the poem - good stuff.

Barrie

Og,

This is a really enjoyable read.
Having travelled a little, I particularly liked the "fascinating skin" as whilst I was in Africa, whole families would come out from their dwellings just to see my pale complexion.
As has already been said, the rhymes are working well to make this flow in a pleasant way.

"Every action by those tourists" For me, this was the only line that I pondered, as you have every a couple of lines down and I somehow felt that by altering this first line of that verse, it would improve the way the third reads as it is traversed.

wonderful subject, a delight to read.

thanks

Tim

Nothing to add but plaudits.

It says a lot by stating little - in essence a good poem.

elph

og

Really enjoyed this: the humour aimed affectionately at both sides.
I'm with Barrie on the metre, especially the young scientist bit.
For me, also, the lines

she might have stayed there,
peering in at us, for days.

didn't quite feel right. Oddly I felt you need another beat so would add something like 'longer':

she might have stayed there longer,
peering in at us, for days.

But mostly I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed it.
cheers
Helen

Just here to add my appreciation of a well observed incident. Loved its tone and rhythms.

R

Thank you all for your comments.

I don't know if I was being lazy (or less anal) by using a more relaxed structure to the rhyme and rhythm of the piece. The lightness of the situation (this is pretty much a documentary) seemed appropriate. However, the laxity of the rhythm appears to have attracted a great deal of attention. This makes me think I was being lazy, rather than relaxing the rules.

I do find a closely scanning metre very satisfying, so I'll go away and see if I can tweak some of the lines to fit more neatly. Unfortunately, this is distracting me from freer forms. I'll have to address that balance.


og

Hi I adore rhymes and rhythms such as these and though the metre does trip somewhat in places ( especially the fourth line) it remains an enjoyable and fascinating read. Best Wishes Ray

Hey og. I appreciate what you say about the metre, and you do want a loosish metre here. Just a couple of places need trimming, no need to straitjacket it.

Thanks again everyone for all the feedback.

At the risk of embarking on a long journey, I’ve tweaked this. The work is mainly in S1 and S4, where the stumbles appeared to be most serious. My guess is that having smoothed those bumps out, some other smaller bobbles will be noticed, and before long I’ll be right back to the strict metrics. However, I’ve given it a go.

Sulpicia – I was trying to get the commas to do some of the work at the end of S3. When I read it, I can make it fit - a writer’s perspective perhaps. I can see why it might fail, but I hope to escape with a few breathing exercises.

Dante (jms) – one little tweak to S3 to avoid repetition – hopefully it avoids the awkwardness too.

Barrie – I’ve followed your S4 suggestion for the most part, and have taken a new route with S1.


Hopefully a little more polished, without being completely conformist

og

I've nothing to add, Og, except my plaudits - nice role reversal.

Absolutely no nits
Geoff

Delightful, og, if slightly twee ...

The Daughter: So what happened at work today, Daddy?
The Anthro: Didn't the oul gorilla come down for a look in? Swear to God if she fuckin dies I'll be out of a job an' no more of them bleedin piano lessons, do you hear me?

Here in our little tin huts, with the rain and the mosquitoes:
so glum, so perfectly English, so Bognor Regis.
And do you have the "Fair City" DVDs? God, eaten through with termites!

Daughter: So how's our Mammy today?
The Anthro: Ah, don't be askin. Have you no school to go to?
Daughter: Teacher got done by a python, din she?
The Anthro: Yeah, right love. Tragic, wha?
Daughter: Ah, she deserved it, the oul cow.
The Anthro: Nah, it's the python has me worried, alanna, digesting the oul bitch.
Daughter: Yeah, he were lookin a bit cross-eyed, mind you.
The Anthro: Is there nothing here in the way of tea?
Daughter: Fuck off, Daddy. Have another whiskey.

Ah, you don't want to bungle
life in the jungle --
Yippy ditty di day, yippy ditty do!
Jungle, jungle, bungle, bungle
Yippy ditty di day, here's to you!


Brenno

Og this poem is delightful. The rhythm had me going. Well I thought of a limerick really but don't ask me because I am meter deficient. I can play with sound and slant rhyme but I don't know a parking meter from a pentameter.

That didn't stop my enjoyment though. A fine read!

e

Thanks Geoff, Bren & e.

Bren – I think I must live a twee life, because that’s the inspiration for these pieces. Even so, I like to think of it as good luck, rather than bad.


og

Bren – I think I must live a twee life, because that’s the inspiration for these pieces. Even so, I like to think of it as good luck, rather than bad.

Good luck it is, og, and never a word to the contrary! And long may it remain so.

B.

Well done og - An Honourable Mention for this.

Damn good show, sir.