Whooping (revised)

[Danté]

Whooping (revision2)

Thwack
overhead
I instinctively flinch
thud
in ploughed furrows
falling snow

undulating
power-cables settle

a swan lies broken.


Whooping (revised)

Thwack
overhead
I instinctively flinch
thud
in ploughed furrows
falling snow
undulating power-cables

a swan lies broken.


Whooping

Thwack, overhead
I instinctively flinch.
Thud, in ploughed furrows
as snow starts falling;
oscillating power-cables settle.
A swan lies broken.

.

[barrie]

I like the spontaneity of this and couldn't help having a mess about. I didn't like the oscillating here, and thought that the snow line and cable line could be combined. I had all punctuated originally , but I thought it looked better without.

thwack
overhead
I instinctively flinch
thud
in the furrows
then snow
cascades from power-cables

a swan lies broken

nice one

Barrie

forgive me for messing with it.

[Sharra]

I liked the simplicity of this, it has a haiku-like feel to it. I have also taken the liberty of editing it a little tho as I feel it could be even tighter.
Overhead
I instinctively flinch.
In ploughed furrows
snow starts falling;
oscillating power-cables settle.
A swan lies broken.

Or you could even be more ruthless and chop out the first 2 lines as well
Sharra
xx

[R. Broath]

I like the starkness and the elements involved here - all good, all concrete. I would mix it up slightly differently to all three versions on show, but I'm sure you can do that.
A great set of ingredients and the makings of a super write, here.

Jimmy

[Danté]

Thank you Barrie,

I think this little poem is worth working on, and I appreciate your ideas for revising the lines.
Gradually I am learning to look for better ideas and am trying to keep things tighter, rather than go off half cocked with a bigger complex musing. Well until I get better with the grammar ect.

I am going to ponder this without being rash.

Sharra, I also appreciate your edit of the poem, the snow is also a metaphor for the small downy feathers of the swan which came free when it impacted agiainst the cable. I figured it would be ok in the poem, even if no one twigged it, as a good image with the remainder of the subject.

Thank you both for your time and encouragement by way of you both finding something to like about the poem. Sometimes even a prolific churner out of words, appreciates knowing there is a good bit, however small. It gives one something to grasp.

Thank you

Tim

[ray miller]

Jesus! He only started off with 21 words, which barrie reduces to 19 and then Sharra cuts to 18. Is there a competition going on? Well, just in case there is.Thwack.Thud. Swan lies broken.

[Sharra]

Hi Tim
If you're trying to go that way with your poems, I found this blog today which might interest you - I really liked it and it has a similar feel to your poem http://soundofsplinters.blogspot.com/.

[Danté]

Thanks Jimmy

I did not intentionally overlook you when replying, I think we were both posting on this thread at the same time. I agree that a little mix and match will make the finished peice.
Thanks for your reply.

Ray, your reply made me chuckle, good one.

Sharra, I will take a look at the link and have a good read, I appreciate it.

Thanks

Tim

[oranggunung]

Ray - I think you’ve cut too much off the bone. It’s clear to see that this is a haiku that’s lost its way. The last line is ready made.

A thwack overhead.
Cables oscillate, snow falls,
the swan lies broken.

Tim - The succinct nature of the original (I feel compelled to use that term, as so many revisions have arisen already) is very engaging. It looks like there is no one combination of words and structure that will satisfy all readers. However, the idea must be a good ‘un if so many people want to work with the material.

I appreciate the title relates to a species of swan, but wondered if “Muted” might also be a good alternative. That’s my proposed title for the haiku, which isn’t really mine, of course.

plaudits


og

[Danté]

Thanks Og,

Much appreciated, I rather like the haiku. I´ve been chewing this over for a day or two and will probably ponder it a little more before posting a revision. On the one hand I am chuffed that the idea is one that has given something to atract the very useful responses. On the other, there are not too many options left for the poem to be written in a different way. I´m really pleased to be offered so much great advice in respect of revision of the peice, and will get back to it soon.

Many thanks

Tim

[Elphin]

Like the idea in this Tim.

I got the snow metaphor on the first read so good one. A good crit and ideas from everyone - i like Ogs idea of the haiku and the title in particular.

elph

[juliadebeauvoir]

I agree with Barrie that 'oscillating' is better replaced by something heavier and softer. Not much to nit pick here as I thought it was a lovely description of a startling event. I really liked "Thud, in ploughed furrows"--very heavy and muted on the tongue. I also like breaking up the lines as was suggested.

Elegant read,
Kim

[Danté]

Elphin

Yes lots of really good input to ponder, I thought about mute as a title but have already written a poem using a title very near to that, and I don't like using stuff twice, not even good stuff.
Great to see you about the place, and many thanks for replying.

Kim

Thanks for replying, I agree with breaking the lines and have hopefully found something better than oscillate. I just about managed to find a way to revise the poem which is somewhere in the middle of most of the advice. Knowing me I've probably picked the worst option but I hope not as it looks ok and reads well.

Many thanks

Tim

[Sharra]

I liked the new line breaks in this, and I much prefer undulating to oscillating.
I'm actually going to suggestion you add a couple of words in here tho, I think you've lost something in L6&7.

falling snow settles
on undulating power-cables

I liked the quietness of settles in the first one.
Sharra
x

[Danté]

Sharra

I pondered "settle/s" and wondered if it should remain in the poem. The snow is not actual snow it's the tiny soft feathers that come off a bird when impacts or something impacts upon it.
I've actually seen the poem's content happen whilst walking across fields in the fog, while coming away from a lake I had been fishing. In actuality the ony thing I initially saw was the feathers falling like snow, as the sound of the cables and the impact on the muddy field while unidentified were a little disturbing and caused me to seek non existent shelter for a moment.
I think that settle belongs with the cables as having the snow settle is rienforcing the notion of real snow, I totally agree about the quietness that the word imparts in the closing lines.
I'll stick it back where it was and see how it flies

Many thanks

Tim

[Raisin]

Dante,

I really like how you have narrowed down this poem to the second revision. The use of onomatopoeia is great and you have emphasised it by seperating each bit on to a seperate line. Also I like the lack of punctuation until the last line, that works well. I don't think you need to do any more cutting, it looks pretty good now

Raisin

[Sulpicia]

Hi Dante
Late to the party; I just wanted to say this has ended up really good. One of your best!
A busy old time for me, so I'm only able to pop in every now and again.
cheers
Helen

[bobvincent]

What are you trying to say through this poem?

[ray miller]

It's his swansong, surely?

[Danté]

Thanks Raisin

As always the reply is greatly appreciated.

Helen,

Thank you, yes I am also busier than I have been, I was off work for a month and now seem to be paying a price for that. I hope you manage to get some creative time, as your work is always a pleasure.

Bob,

Mainly the dead hoplessness of broken beauty, the swan graceful and elegant transformed in a moment to a crumpled, lifeless heap in the mud. Also the idea of how life is fragile and one does not always see what's coming.


Ray, that's dreadful but very amusing.

Many thanks

Tim