Poetry Forum

bye bye

Callum

“A carnivorous sun” I am wondering if you could find a better more logical description of the sun. My problem being, the sun is quite an objective star and not selective in any way, it simply is, and that’s that. I dare say it frazzles the occasional cabbage so probably not a dedicated meat eater. I thought some of the imagery was pleasant, especially S1. You have a punctuation issue at the line break S2-S3, the last two lines which seem to be an invitation to ponder, I did and am still no wiser, but that might be my limited cerebral function and not the poem.
I appreciate the sun and then the moon with a seaside jolly in-between, I also appreciate that both have influence over what is contained in the poem. I presume “us” is we as a race, unless you wrote the poem for someone you know.
As a closing question, it could take a lifetime to answer and I have other poems to read, so I’m afraid my mulling of the grey will have to cease for now.
A pleasant read, which may contain more than I am currently grasping.

Many thanks

Danté

I quite enjoyed your description of a polluted shoreline - I was quite engrossed actually, then I was rudely awakened by the last two lines. I'm at a loss here - I don't understand the meaning of the question, nor do I know who it's aimed at. Maybe there's some way to clarify this.

BTW - Welcome to PG.

Barrie

Callum, I love the predatory thrill of the carnivorous sun, and in general the description of the beach is vivid and stark. The last two lines, although they're nicely weighted in themselves, didn't quite seem to follow on. Is that what they call a non-sequitur?

A very good poem, though, and - as Barrie says - welcome. Hope you'll stick around.

Cheers

David

Hi Callum and welcome.
Do not like the first line and do not like 'Real silence' - silence would be sufficient, imo.
That's the negative out of the way. The positives are that the piece strikes me as written with some passion and has some neat imagery.
Those last two lines have been drawn to your attention and my feeling is that they are extraneous.

Jimmy

Welcome Callum

Good first post - like the chaps have said some attention to the last two lines and you could be done.

elph

Hello and welcome Callum

I read the last two lines as a follow-on in mood from the rest: or rather perhaps a hysteron-proteron (switching around of logical argument). Because you feel like this, the landscape looks like that. Or rather when you feel like this, that's the aspects of the landscape that stand out. This bitter mood was very evocative. I have a friend whose landscapes are always dominated by roadworks, power stations and such like. Rather Turneresque. Decay of society emblematised by decay/disruption of landscape. Which is reflected by alienation in personal relationships. Or maybe I'm overinterpreting like normal!

But I enjoyed the read. Struck a chord with me.
Helen

Hi Callum, welcome
I've been wanting time to do a crit on this since you posted it as I thought it was really interesting.
I think the first stanza is superb, there's wonderful imagery in here. I take Dante's point about 'carnivorous' but I think it has the right amount of savagery in it.I guess you could use 'savage' but that feels little predictable.
I loved 'leaves bones in the flotsam and jetsam'.

I wasn't so sure about S2, firstly a tiny thing, I think you need to begin it with a small 'c' as its a run on from previous stanza. I thought the first line and a half were great, but then from 'Real silence ' it felt like it faded a bit. I wasn't entirely sure what you were trying to say, it feels like you have a really interesting image in your head, but it hasn't quite translated to paper.

S3 is better, i liked 'flitting / over the deep water and heavy afternoons' but it feels lighter in tone. I would really have liked the intensity of the S1 to continue through the poem.

And I'm confused too with the last 2 lines. It felt like you were trying to encapsulate what the poem was about, which I don't think would be necessary.

Sharra
xx

Hi guys, thanks for all your comments. As far as the last two lines are concerned, I was trying to convey a feeling of isolation; the idea that I can observe people and connect with them through expression while still feeling a sense of separation and distance. Judging by the comments, however, this hasn't come across very well. There'll be a rework in the post!