Poetry Forum

HEAVENLY

A bit of a loner.
Looking back
I have to think I always was:
cycling solo round country roads,
wandering alone into the hills,
as a youngster I’d hide myself
in secret spots to spy on the world.
So ‘tail-end-Charlie’ in a bomber
from World War Two was the epitome,
the incomparable memory.
Not flying over enemy territory;
not to shoot at and be shot at;
just a friendly flight:
no bombs, no ammunition.
Sunshine and familiar country,
running our shadow down the Bristol Channel,
Wales with mountains on the one hand,
familiar moorland on the other,
the turret a transparent capsule,
utterly isolated, nothing of the plane
to be seen without leaning to look.
Frightening at first – so detached.
Then: perfect solitude.
Like a hunting hawk, looking down,
searching left, searching right,
seeing all, but separate.
Maybe being an angel
on patrol would be like this.

Only a short flight: Paradise for a loner,
but when it comes to eternity
I think I’d prefer some company.

Leslie,

This forum has just celebrated its 1st birthday (we kept it quiet) - and I have to say that this is probably the finest poem posted so far. Brilliant, wonderful - gives me a lump in the throat.

Hats off to you!

Cam

LESLIE

Ordinarily I'd discuss the lines and the style etc

but its just BRILLIANT

So I'll leave it there (and feel very jealous that I didn't write it)

BEST REGARDS
SEAN KINSELLA

Obviously in a minority of two on this one Sean.

C

Good poem, don't get me wrong, but I'm puzzled as to why you think this one's better than so many others? Best poem in a year? I don't even think it's Leslie's best! I prefer the one about 'silence' - sorry, I'm terrible with names.

Have I missed some kind of point?

I must agree with the majority of all, an excellent poem.

More often than not when a poem really reaches out to me it is because I can draw comparisons to films, books, places. To me me your poem is reminiscent of Kes. The film and the book. The story of a "loner" escaping his lonliness in the beautiful Pennine landscape that surrounds him.

Your poem evokes that feeling beautifully.

A feature for sure.

I've acquired quite a few favorites from many of you as I've read in this forum for the short months I've been a member. For that I thank you all. I confess this poem does little to shake them, I don't see anything "better" or "best" in it. Maybe that is because I really prefer not to rank poetry, mine or anyone's.

I think perhaps you are all letting the subject matter carry you away - how was it dealt with is the question. Isn't this a tad too sentimental, if even in sort of a manly way?

All that said, believe it or not, I really do think this poem deserves feature status. (Just not "bulletproof" status.)

- Caleb

Thanks everyone for the interesting comments; the compliments are encouraging and others are appreciated. It’s interesting how the same poem can strike readers in different ways, evoke different responses. I worked into words a vivid memory from a long time ago, which also involved an aspect of my character. I guess if that finds a similar experience or character in a reader it will mean one thing, if the reader evaluates it purely for its qualities as a poem it means something different – both valid. And maybe the person least able honestly to evaluate a poem’s merit is the person who wrote it.
I'm still looking at the line 'to be seen without leaning to look', it dosn't run smoothly, may alter that.
I really do appreciate the feedback from this site - best thing my computer's managed for me. Leslie.

PB, Pseud,

"better" or "best" ?

I missed those words. Brilliant, excellent, finest yeh, not best or better.

Almost hairsplitting, isn't it? It is pretty clear cameron meant "best" when he said "finest." Of course he is most certainly entitled to his opinion (if he's not, and he's the administrator of the site, who on here is?). I just happen to disagree with it.

Apologies to you and cameron if I did not interpret you rightly. "Heavenly" is still a great piece in the opinions of all who've dared to share in this thread.

- Caleb

Ok, ok, here comes my retraction (my palinode).

When I read this poem it struck a chord with me and I posted a reply quickly - possibly too quickly. Caleb is absolutely right that there can never be a 'best' poem - as it is all highly subjective.

There are 3 reasons why I like this poem:

1) I like looking-back-on-life-poems as they often have pathos e.g. Hardy's Never Expected Much (written on his 86th birthday)

2) I think the aircraft section is a wonderful objective correlative for the way that lonely people often see life more clearly (eg Larkin) because they are detached from it.

3) The last two lines.

As a result I find this poem moving and memorable. Yes, i suppose it is a little sentimental but I suppose it all boils down to whether you like the sentiment expressed.

I would still like to feature this one and apologies for being 'finest' about it.

Well done to Caleb for sticking to his guns. The fact that it's my forum shouldn't be an issue - though I appreciate that some people might feel uncomfortable disagreeing with me in case I terminate them or something. Rest assured that I think that debate is healthy and that it helps us to define ourselves and improve our poetry.

Cheers
Cam

A good read Leslie. The isolation in the end turret, part of the plane, but only aware of the sky, was a strong visual. I like the tone at the end, underplayed not loud.

mac

Excellent poem, "what can one say more?"

Greenman..

I would still like to feature this one

No arguments there cameron...it certainly does come down to whether you like the sentiment expressed.

Leslie, after about 10 reads through the poem (give or take 6.3), the only real substantial criticism I have is these lines, which I find on the redundant side:

"Not to fly over enemy territory;
not to shoot and be shot at;"

It's almost as if "not to fly over enemy territory" can be deleted - "not to shoot and be shot at" gets the point across itself.

After 10 reads one usually has to pick and chose the most substantial flaws and start there. Without resorting to wanting to find an error (which is something I honestly didn't do, I find it insulting when people feel obligated to say something negative), best I could come up with was a real triviality, like a small grammar correction or a finishing touch in a final draft.

By all means get this featured!...what are we waiting for?

Well done Pseud. I think you're right - and you've surely read the completed poem more times than I have!! It's a good example of the writer being over-involved while the reader can stand back and take a clearer view.
'Shooting a line', i.e. boasting or making false claims is one of the worst sins among Service people and I didn't want to give the impression that my flight was on an operational mission. Writing 'a bomber from World War Two' - emphasis on FROM - was meant to suggest a time post war, so leading on to all that stress on a non-aggressive sortie.
I shall follow your suggestion and scratch both the lines you mention.
Leslie[/i]