Like This - Edited

[BenJohnson]

Version 2

My God, why are things done like this?
Why did you send your son like this?

I floated on buoyant belief,
now each day weighs a ton like this.

The crowds chase the unbeliever,
amazed how he can run like this.

I pull the threads of creation
and my world comes undone; like this.

Shangdi, Yahwah, Allah or God?
Each preacher says there's none -- like this!

I laugh at the dyslexic dog
wonder, should people pun like this?

He praises Allah: Pulls the pin:
such acts of worship stun: Like - This.

On both sides the priests bless the troops
praise not the cross, but gun like this.

I could deny your existence
and yet, would I have won like this?

Belief revolves -- Wheels within Wheels --
a spider's web is spun like this.

I lay upon the pebbled beach,
wonder, who made the sun like this?

Swiss-like precision of cycles --
Can I ignore -- Someone like this?

Ben lives in a state of darkness
yet the world was begun like this.

Since I have been writing for a while, although with no critic other than myself I thought I would risk the 'experienced' forum. I tend to lean toward poetical forms for some reason and have recently been trying to write ghazals.

Version 1

My God, why have you done like this?
Why did you send your son like this?

I floated on bouyant belief,
now each day weighs a ton like this.

The crowds chase the unbeliever,
amazed how he can run like this.

I pull the threads of creation
and my world comes undone; like this.

Shangdi, Yahwah, Allah or God?
I will never be Donne like this.

I listen to varied preachers,
each says that there is none -- like this!

I laugh at the dyslexic dog
and wonder, should I pun like this?

He praises Allah: Pulls the pin:
such acts of worship stun: Like - This.

On both sides the priests bless the troops
praise not the cross, but gun like this.

I could deny your existence
and yet, would I have won like this?

Belief revolves -- Wheels within Wheels --
a spider's web is spun like this.

I lay upon the pebbled beach,
wonder, who made the sun like this?

Swiss-like precision of cycles --
Can I ignore -- Someone like this?

Living a contemplative life
How can she be a nun -- like this?

Ben lives in a state of darkness
yet the world was begun like this.

[bobvincent]

You sustain the sequence of rhymes very wittily, rather like oscar Hammerstein in the Lonely Goatherd from "The Sound of Music".

[David]

I rather like this. (See what I did there?)

You sustain the sequence of rhymes very wittily, rather like oscar Hammerstein in the Lonely Goatherd from "The Sound of Music".

I was thinking exactly the same sort of thing, except I was thinking more Larry Hart.

You'll do just fine in Experienced, Ben, but don't forget your scout's oath to comment on other people's poems as well.

Cheers

David

[BenJohnson]

Doh! Must read the forum rules first.
*Scurries off to comment on other poems*

[R. Broath]

A difficult form to do well, Ben, but I think you have managed admirably. A mixture of the serious and the not so. I haven't read many ghazals and don't know if that's the norm but it sorta works. And 'sorta works' is pretty good in my book.

Jimmy

[juliadebeauvoir]

Benjamin,
I confess that I'm not up on my ghazals so I can't give you any structure or form advice. What I can say is that verses 1-5, 8 and 14 were well focused and intriguing. Not sure you can mess with a ghazal but I would encourage to take out the other verses. They don't seem to strengthen the poem--felt like wobbly legs on a perfectly good table.
The end verse really brought the whole poem together.
Looking forward to more of your poetry.

Cheers,
Kim

[Ros]

Hi Ben, I know nothing of ghazals except what I've just learnt from Wikipedia! but for what it's worth, my thoughts. Overall I liked it a lot, and I think the form works well with it. The like this ending I found very unusual but effective.

My God, why have you done like this? - strictly, not sure this is very grammatical.
Why did you send your son like this?

I floated on bouyant belief, - buoyant
now each day weighs a ton like this.

The crowds chase the unbeliever,
amazed how he can run like this.

I pull the threads of creation
and my world comes undone; like this. - especially liked this one - good flow so far.

Shangdi, Yahwah, Allah or God?
I will never be Donne like this. - personally, I think it's stronger without the (bad!) puns!

I listen to varied preachers,
each says that there is none -- like this!

I laugh at the dyslexic dog
and wonder, should I pun like this? - no, no puns!

He praises Allah: Pulls the pin:
such acts of worship stun: Like - This. - this I liked.

On both sides the priests bless the troops
praise not the cross, but gun like this.

I could deny your existence
and yet, would I have won like this?

Belief revolves -- Wheels within Wheels --
a spider's web is spun like this. - hm, bit cliched? not sure about this couplet

I lay upon the pebbled beach,
wonder, who made the sun like this?

Swiss-like precision of cycles --
Can I ignore -- Someone like this? - again, not as concrete as some of the other couplets.

Living a contemplative life
How can she be a nun -- like this? - I think if you want to introduce the love interest, you should foreshadow her earlier somehow.

Ben lives in a state of darkness
yet the world was begun like this. - good ending.

[BenJohnson]

Thanks Ros

I agree about the first line with hindsight that does bug me as well.

Shangdi, Yahwah, Allah or God?
I will never be Donne like this. - personally, I think it's stronger without the (bad!) puns!

I listen to varied preachers,
each says that there is none -- like this!

I think I will combine these to be

Shangdi, Yahwah, Allah or God?
each preacher says there's none -- like this!

or something similar.

I laugh at the dyslexic dog
and wonder, should I pun like this? - no, no puns!

for me this has to stay, when my belief was strong than it is now, I remember being told a joke along these lines, I laughed like mad over it, then felt slightly guilty unsure if I should laugh or not. This couplet is intended to capture the unease of that moment.

Swiss-like precision of cycles --
Can I ignore -- Someone like this? - again, not as concrete as some of the other couplets.

I am interested by this not being concrete. The weather cycles etc of the earth are often quoted as proof of a superior designer, at this point I question if they can be ignored.

Living a contemplative life
How can she be a nun -- like this? - I think if you want to introduce the love interest, you should foreshadow her earlier somehow.

Lol, I never thought of this couplet as a love interest, I am always amazed by what others find in a pooem. But again this couplet does bug me and I think it needs to go, it doesn't work as I intended, questioning how some people can worship God by shutting themselves away from the world.

But thank to everyone form your feedback here. Time to go and edit again.

[Ros]

<chuckle> sorry, Ben, reading it again I see the nun is probably not your love interest! I'd just read the bit on Wikipedia about most ghazals being about unrequited love. I think that must have swayed my impression of that couplet!

As for the other comments, of course, use what you agree with and ignore the rest. I take what you mean about cycles, but I wonder if you need to be a bit more specific about what cycles - weather, water, CO2 - I wasn't sure what you meant before you explained it.