Poetry Forum

The adverts page
has a section for swapping
the unwanted for the needed.

One man, at the end of his tether
with his professional tattoo kit
(includes High Quality Practice Skin)

desires an air rifle.
Under the shadows of trees
a bleeding heart festooned

with the Chinese sign for happiness
is caught in the sights
of a Custom Carbine.

Couple of things Ros. Were it mine I'd remove the two definite articles in line 3 and think of something else for 'end of his tether' but in saying that I can see how it can be appropriate in the understatement of the whole.

The write itself is chilling. The choice of the gunman's 'unwanted' is so apposite - probably non pc to say so but this is just the sort of character I would imagine wanting to move from the infliction of localised to terminal pain.

'a bleeding heart festooned' is an exceptional line. The mix of blood and carnival succinctly captures the sort of 'Sin City' violence in the poem; garish and beautiful at once. (A worrying sentence to write, that! But I hope you can see what I mean.)

An impelling poem worthy of high praise.

Jimmy

You are very encouraging, Jimmy. Much appreciated.

Would you be any less chilled if I told you that this was an actual swap request I saw on my local Gumtree site? !

Not any less chilled, Ros, but impressed (once again) by what inspires creation. I have always thought that it is the sign of a born writer (even if they never put pen to paper) to be able to file, and enhance, such small details; overhearings, smells, little eccentricities, traits and such like. It makes writing more lively, I think, when we can step outside our usual interests and enthusiasms and have the skill to create (as you have so successfully in this poem) a scheme of things which would not otherwise materialise were it not for that 'writerly' view.
I know the old saw of 'write what you know' and it is true but only takes us so far. This poem is built, as it were, from the gut out. Imagination has to take hold for poetry to succeed. Needn't be anything too extravagant but enough to allow the writer room to expand - even a little.
Anyhoo, good stuff.

Jimmy

I agree, Jimmy. Often the best work happens when it is inspired by something unusual rather than trying to find something new to say about the usual suspects. Sometimes I see a phrase that is crying out to be used - in this case, "Two Pieces of High Quality Practice Skin" (shudder).

I agree with Jimmy about at the end of his tether, but I think the articles in L3 are just fine.
It says a lot about the type of newspaper you read (it must surely be one from Yorkshire). I guess it means whatever the reader takes from it - a very surreal image.

Intriguing.

nice one

Barrie

I think I might call myself the conflicter, I seem to disagree with things others find wrong. 'End of his tether' works for me, it is an ordinary phrase in a slightly surreal tale and makes a good contrast for me, it marks the final point of the ordinary world before we get into realms of artifical skin (that line still makes me shudder).

For me the first stanza

The adverts page
has a section for swapping
the unwanted for the needed.

felt wrong, do you need to explain that the advert page had a swap section? Or can you just say in the swap section or something similar?

But a great tale and a fantastic leap of the imagination to get from the advert to the tattooist under the trees skin in gun sights. The title is to me just perfect, a double play on the word stranger.

I'm just sort of feeling my way into this one, Ros. Bleeding heart seems wrong to me. What am I missing?

Cheers

David

I like this, there's some great language. Like Ben I think maybe the first stanza could be re-arranged a little, but I don't really have any other suggestions

I was unsure about the bleeding hearts thing but guessed it was one of the cliche tattoo symbols, which should symbolise pain but instead are used so often they have lost all meaning. Am I on the right track? Hope so, it's a great read anyway.

Thanks,
Raisin

Raisin, thanks for stopping by and the comments - yes, you are on the right track.

Raisin wrote:I was unsure about the bleeding hearts thing but guessed it was one of the cliche tattoo symbols, which should symbolise pain but instead are used so often they have lost all meaning. Am I on the right track? Hope so, it's a great read anyway.

Yes, I wondered if it was "one of the cliche tattoo symbols", but I thought that your man with the tattoo kit would be the one with the rifle, so I don't know how he ended up in its sights. Unless someone else already has the rifle and wants his tattoo kit.

No, I'm definitely confused.

Double meaning? Tatto gun being exchanged for a real one? Therefore the metaphorical broken heart on skin (the tattoo) is opposed by the real broken hearts caused by the use of the real gun??

Raisin wrote:Double meaning? Tatto gun being exchanged for a real one? Therefore the metaphorical broken heart on skin (the tattoo) is opposed by the real broken hearts caused by the use of the real gun??

I thought I was confused before, but now my brain really hurts. Happy new year anyway, grapelet.

You too oh confused one Is it the drink or the old age?

Raisin wrote:You too oh confused one Is it the drink or the old age?

Ouch. That hurts, but a bit of both, I suppose.

I'd go and have a drink now but I just can't remember where I stashed it.

David wrote:Ouch. That hurts, but a bit of both, I suppose.

Very honest of you I was only joking of course, I was very boring this year and didn't do anything, apparently it's a phase, the wild nights will begin at university

Should I find this humorous?

A tatooist vexed with a customer? Someone with a tatoo beneath a tree is about to get popped by a tatooist? Or is the tatooist about to get popped by the very object of his desire?

A very interesting write... and I enjoyed reading, and re-reading...

Thanks for sharing.

Oops. Raisin and I appear to have taken your thread some way off-topic, Ros. Sorry about that. My fault really, garrulous old git that I am.

Happy new year!

David

Happy new year, David. And to you, Raisin. I don't think we've been formally introduced, but I'm glad to see you're keeping David in order. I remember university as a lot of fun *sigh*. Feel free to hijack my threats any time, the pair of you.

Now then, concentrate: the chap swaps his tattoo gun for an air rifle and goes hunting in the woods, spotting one of his former customers in his sites. There's no real significance to the bleeding heart, it's just a rather meaningless tattoo, made more meaningless by being linked to a chinese symbol, which is also over-used. I hope that clarifies things...

Hello, Salaampoetic - welcome! and thanks for reading. Not so much humorous as bizarre, I thought. I'm glad it had you re-reading.

Ros wrote:Feel free to hijack my threats any time, the pair of you.

Threats, eh? Now that's what I call a Freudian slip!

Ros wrote:Now then, concentrate: the chap swaps his tattoo gun for an air rifle and goes hunting in the woods, spotting one of his former customers in his sites. There's no real significance to the bleeding heart, it's just a rather meaningless tattoo, made more meaningless by being linked to a chinese symbol, which is also over-used. I hope that clarifies things...

It does. I completely overlooked the idea that he'd been doing tattoos for anybody but himself, which is a bit obtuse of me. It works fine for me now.

But tell me, did he start doing this without any warning, or did he issue any threads first?

Ah, yes, that was a bit Freudian. Better consider yourself warned!

I'm not sure you can tattoo yourself. Not in any of the more interesting places, anyway...
I expect he was wearing the threads, rather than issuing them.

Now then, concentrate: the chap swaps his tattoo gun for an air rifle and goes hunting in the woods, spotting one of his former customers in his sites. There's no real significance to the bleeding heart, it's just a rather meaningless tattoo, made more meaningless by being linked to a chinese symbol, which is also over-used. I hope that clarifies things...

That does clarify things. I must admit that everytime I have read this I imagined the tattooist shooting an old piece of practice skin. I wonder if you need to say something like under the tree a bleeding heart walks by caught in the sights. Adding the movement might indicate this is a person we are talking about, or it is me being my usual dense self

You can tattoo yourself, someone I worked with was training to be a tattooist, I guess he didn't have much practice skin since his arms filled up pretty rapidly.

I have read this several times and its plot never came to me like that, Ros. Not that it matters - I suppose it's interesting that there are different readings of it. I haven't been able to decide whether I like its insignificant meanings or whether I want something more weighty from it... But it has kept me coming back so that speaks volumes.

In my head, the last 5 lines describe the person who sees the classified ad and will respond to it, characterised by the object he will be swapping (the carbine). In my mind's eye I could see the tattoo of the heart, the symbol and the trees on the piece of practice skin, and could imagine this attracting the soon-to-be-erstwhile marksman. Perhaps, I have said to myself, the trees appealed to his inner hunstman, the symbol to some vaguely-longed-for exoticism, and the bleeding heart to, well, that's obvious isn't it?

With all that in mind, I wonder if explicit people could be removed from this poem so that the objects take on more character? I hope you don't mind but I played with that idea, and I also set it more definitely in my beloved Sheffield Gumtree:

On Sheffield's Gumtree site
the adverts page
has a swap shop.

On offer: a High Quality Practice Skin
near the end of its tether, together
with professional tattoo kit, wants

to swing with an air rifle.
Under the shadows of trees
a bleeding heart scored

with the Chinese sign for happiness
is caught in the sights
of a Custom Carbine.

Cheers Ros.

Stuart

Ben, movement sounds good. Since there's such confusion I may try that. Why would anyone shoot practice skin?

Stuart,

stuartryder wrote:Perhaps, I have said to myself, the trees appealed to his inner hunstman,

hmm, Stuart, I think I'm getting confused now. Of course, that may be the wine, and I am very tired...

stuartryder wrote:my beloved Sheffield Gumtree:

Is that a sort of local eucalyptus? It's an interesting re-write, a bit radical but I quite like the idea of writing it from the point of view of the two objects. The Life and Times of Practice Skin. It could have had a former life treating burns victims, perhaps...