Home Song

[R. Broath]

It muscles through long fins and short memory,
this catch in the spine that’s home.
Across wide seas some particle in breeze
assists. The trail is taken
back to natal water.
A thousand miles out the pouting
mouth tastes home in the rain,
home in the brain,
home in flexed bones
and speckled skin;
home, in coiled clouds
that spit home river on the ocean
swell, that casts the smell of many streams
amongst this teeming nation
of wild deportees.
Songs of home play scales
ancient as river beds,
familiar as the redd,
the hatching ground that
pulls them back to spawn,
to round out life
in stony writhing strings.
Spent in shallows, bellied up
to the buried god of home.

[barrie]

Only one suggestion here, Jimmy - I would say lose 'to sow their seed. I'm not going to say it's a bit of a cliche, but it is, and I have.

the hatching ground that
pulls them back
to spawn,
to round out life
in stony writhing strings

Again, good use of assonance and sprinkled with ryhmes.

Good one

Barrie

[bodkin]

It muscles through long fins and short memory,
this catch in the spine that’s home.
Across wide seas some particle in breeze
assists. The trail is taken <== this is where I found out what the
back to natal water. <== poem was about, the images before here were not enough
to set the scene. No idea whether that is what you want, just letting you know that this is
where I clicked... I'm assuming these are salmon? Or though for all I know there are other species with similar behaviour...?

A thousand miles out the pouting
mouth tastes home in the rain,
home in the brain,
home in flexed bones
and speckled skin;
home, in coiled clouds
that spit home river on the ocean
swell, that casts the smell of many streams
amongst this teeming nation
of wild deportees. Are they "deportees"? Or do the "smolts" (thank you wikipedia) choose to leave the river? In which case are they "émigrés" or "ex patriots"? Just musing here...
Songs of home plays scales
ancient as river beds,
familiar as the redd,
the hatching ground that
pulls them back to sow "sow their seed" is a cliché. I guess, but it didn't distract me in the first pass. If you just dropped the "there" then it would become a metaphor and be slightly fresher? Of if you said "sow there seed" it would look like a typo but be a sort-of pun ...
their seed, to spawn,
to round out life
in stony writhing strings.
Spent in shallows, bellied up
to the buried god of home. <== I'm just slightly hesitant over "buried". Not sure what part is underground, unless you are just trying to say that the "god of home" is anchored in this place, in sharp contrast to the fish?

I enjoyed this and I also liked the sprinkling of sonic elements that kept it flowing along.

Only that slight catch with the word "buried" right at the end gave me a bit of a hesitation. I'm not quite 100% that I've arrived at the final image you intended...

HTH

Ian

[R. Broath]

Thanks barrie. Yes, I think you're right and have removed the offending words. I think the point has/had been made by the time that crept in.

Ian.
I thought that perhaps 'long fins' and 'short memory' might give a clue to its fishy origins - not necessarily a salmon by that stage but piscine at least. However 'getting' it by L4 ain't too bad - I hope.

Deportees. I chose this to indicate complete absence of choice and incidentally to link with the 'short memory' of L1 to give the impression of genetic imperative.

'buried god of home' is meant to refer to the eggs buried in the riverbed and to the chemical signals carried in the genes which guide the salmon to its home waters.

Good of you to give this some attention Ian, I appreciate it and hope that some of the above clarifies your points.

Jimmy

[R. Broath]

Revision

It muscles through long fins and short memory,
this catch in the spine that’s home.
Across wide seas some particle in breeze
assists. The trail is taken
back to natal water.
A thousand miles out the pouting
mouth tastes home in the rain,
home in the brain
and in flexed bones
and speckled skin;
in coiled clouds
that spit home on ocean swell,
that casts the smell of many streams
amongst this teeming nation
of wild deportees.
Songs of home plays scales
ancient as river beds,
familiar as the redd,
the hatching ground
that pulls them back to spawn,
to round out life
in stony writhing strings.
Spent in shallows, bellied up,
sacrificed to instinct
and the buried god of home.

Original

It muscles through long fins and short memory,
this catch in the spine that’s home.
Across wide seas some particle in breeze
assists. The trail is taken
back to natal water.
A thousand miles out the pouting
mouth tastes home in the rain,
home in the brain,
home in flexed bones
and speckled skin;
home, in coiled clouds
that spit home river on the ocean
swell, that casts the smell of many streams
amongst this teeming nation
of wild deportees.
Songs of home plays scales
ancient as river beds,
familiar as the redd,
the hatching ground that
pulls them back to spawn,
to round out life
in stony writhing strings.
Spent in shallows, bellied up
to the buried god of home.

[dedalus]

We came from the sea, Jimmy, and now we're going back to it?
It's bad enough having to eat damn fish without being told you ARE one.

Ah, no. It was bloody good. You could smell the sea coming off it.
You have a way with the words.

Wouldn't try this in the local, though, not when the band's on a break. Instead of pints coming to the table they might be flying through the air!

Chocky Ar La,
Breendawn

[David]

Glad you kept the opening, Jimmy. The first two lines do for me exactly what I think you want them to do.

I did wonder about "deportees", like Ian. Somehow the overtones of the word didn't seem quite right, although I've read and see the point of your explanation.

I could argue that you've got a plural instead of a singular in Songs of home plays scales, but if it didn't bother Shaky, why should it bothers us?

A salty legend. Very good.

Cheers

David

[R. Broath]

Thanks Bren. I am pleased that you saw the 'song of exile' intention contained (hidden more like) in this. I wouldn't dare fill the band's drinks break with any of my renderings, although they would have the beneficial effect of making even the local caterwaulers sound respectable.

David. I have fixed the wonky plural, thank you. Yes, deportees serves that dual purpose of 'exile' and lack of choice.

Thanks both for the comments.

Jimmy