Blue shifted

[Ros]

They say blue light is healthiest,
cheers you up, lets you sleep
deeply. Better not bask
in the flushed comfort of the fire,
believing you’re safe,
or test-drive your answers closely
beneath the incandescence
of interrogation.

She knows. Too late
to pull the blind, darken her glare.
Shrink into blueness: such light ages
your wedding ring to verdigris,
turns scarlet bloodstains
on the rug to purple.
The blueprint of your marriage
fades, so pale you can no longer
read its promises, though you feel the roughness
of its weave beneath your fingers.

~~
Going round in circles with this one, peoples. Any suggestions gratefully received.

[David]

Is that true about blue light? I'm not disbelieving you, just something I didn't know.

Well, I think it's pretty good as is. If anything, those last four lines might need alteration of some sort. I'll give it some thought, but you're not far off.

Cheers

David

[Ros]

There was a report recently that blue light is best to work under. Closer to natural light, I suppose. I'd value any suggestions you may have.

[R. Broath]

Sound like the 'marriage lines' here are printed on sackcloth Ros.
There's a melancholic penumbra hanging over this. It reads like a marriage of rival, though not entirely opposite, ambition.
'incandescence of interrogation' is good - though only if the right questions are asked - and if the answers are believable, not necessarily true but reflecting enough of that 'blue light' to make them appear so.

Good write.

Jimmy

[Ros]

Thanks, Jimmy.

melancholic penumbra

I like this. I fear there's one hanging over me at present!

[ray miller]

I liked it pretty well as it is, lots of colour, even a blind thrown in for good measure. Not sure about "the roughness of its weave..." though the preceding lines were very good, I thought.

[juliadebeauvoir]

Hi Ros,
You have some great imagery here. I had a bit of trouble connecting the dots. The first verse is only linked to the second verse by 'shrink into blueness'. My suggestion would be leave out "They say" and just start with 'Blue light'--makes it more authoritative when the N. says "Better not bask in the flushed comfort of fire." Example:

Blue light cheers you up, lets you sleep
deeply. Better not bask
in the flushed comfort of the fire,
believing you’re safe,
or test-drive your answers closely
beneath the incandescence
of interrogation.

There also seems to be a shift between 'you' and 'she'. As in 'She knows'..'her glare'..and then right into 'your wedding ring'. I was slightly confused to know who you were talking to. I am assuming 'she' is the wife. "You" is the husband. But not sure if 'she' is the 'you'. Or are they both you? Would it be so personal to just put the whole poem into first person?

I thought the following lines had the right kind of descriptions to carry the poem:

such light ages
your wedding ring to verdigris,

Not sure you need blood on the rug turning to purple. Was there a murder?

Personally, I thought the last lines were wonderful.

The blueprint of your marriage
fades, so pale you can no longer
read its promises, though you feel the roughness
of its weave beneath your fingers.

Cheers,
Kim

[Nigel]

I'm somewhat confused by the poem's argument but that apart there is some loose use of language which can readily be rectified. For instance, is it generally apparent that a blueprint has weave ? I feel you're trying a bit too hard here to get the idea of the roughness in. Perhaps it would be better to finish after 'promises'.

Do you 'bask' in front of a fire ? Perhaps but why is the comfort flushed ? Do you need the adjective 'scarlet', isn't that suggested in the noun 'bloodstain' ?
Also is 'testdrive' the right word when the predominant image of the first stanza is fire as in "incandescence of interrogation." I found these inconsistencies a distraction from the poem's flow.

'such light ages your wedding ring to verdigris' - this reads awkwardly to me.

And what does She know ? That blue light is healthiest or something the poem omits to tell us which is affecting the marriage? I'm further confused by why dropping the blind would result in the colour blue? There's a lot of colour in the second stanza and though blue mixed with red does produce purple I'm unsure what the poem is saying here.

Generally I find the poem an honest attempt to say something worth saying without being too clever. It's not easy to make the colour blue interesting but the poem does that, I think. I enjoyed it.

[Ros]

Ray, thanks for the read. The roughness was an afterthought, perhaps a bad one.

Kim, thanks for the comments. Perhaps I need a bit more detail. It's all 'you' (the husband) except for

She knows. Too late
to pull the blind, darken her glare.

I like your idea for the beginning, thanks.

Nigel, thanks for the detailed comments. I'll take them into account when I revise, which I think I'd better!

[bodkin]

Hi Ros,

I liked the cleverness of this a lot but found the two halves slightly disjunct from one another. The second S is a slide into a darker ending but almost seems dark for the sake of dark, e.g. not there because it is the point of the poem but rather because the poem had to have an end... I think, although there's a lot of interesting detail in that second S, it is all a little impersonal? The details are metaphors for the circumstance of the two people, not details of those circumstances... I think if you had some detail of the precise way they are falling apart and then related that back to (illuminated it with) the blue light you would have a more integrated whole.

They say blue light is healthiest,
cheers you up, lets you sleep
deeply. Better not bask
in the flushed comfort of the fire,
believing you’re safe, <== would "you are" scan better?
or test-drive your answers closely
beneath the incandescence
of interrogation.

She knows. Too late
to pull the blind, darken her glare.
Shrink into blueness: such light ages
your wedding ring to verdigris, I didn't see it before, but I am now getting the you/she dichotomy here, we've had lines very solidly focused on her, but then without a transition, the ring is "yours" not "hers"...

If she were related to the ring: "she sees such light ages / your wedding..." then there is no confusion and we have swung back cleanly to the other person...
turns scarlet bloodstains
on the rug to purple.
The blueprint of your marriage
fades, so pale you can no longer
read its promises, though you feel the roughness
of its weave beneath your fingers. I quite liked it at first but the mixed metaphor (wedding = blueprint and wedding = cloth is beginning to nag a little now...

~~
Going round in circles with this one, peoples. Any suggestions gratefully received. <== try keeping your eye on some distant landmark... like a seagull.

HTH

Ian

[Ros]

Good thoughts, bod. I see the problem with the she now, and may lose the roughness. It doesn't really fit with the colour theme.

Watching one seagull in the distance is a sure-fire way of having your sandwich stolen by the one circling your knees...

[David]

I like the "she" as is.

This is presumptuous of me, I suppose, but could you finish with something like "She can see you blushing (or "your guilt" or something similar) / infra-red"?

Just a thought.

Cheers

David

[Ros]

She's becoming a bit of a problem, she is. To she or not to she?

Oo, infra-red, now that's an idea. Perhaps I could get ultra-violent in there too...

[David]

I'm not even going to respond to ultra-violent, just in case it's a trap ...

[BenJohnson]

I assumed ultra-violet was in there from the reference to the blood stain showing up in the rug, must have read too much into this.