Ever-changing skies,
Above an ever-changing
Landscape
Of swelling downlands
And woodland paths.
Never still, but always
Moving in a secular, yet
Comforting fashion,
Drifting as if afloat upon
A sea of summer leaves.
Above, swallows swim
Amid the skies,
Like a shoal of Flying
Fish
Feeding on an ever-present
Airborne plankton.
While below, the golden
Fields ebb and flow
In time to the soft, warm
Southern under-currents
That drift across time
From Spring till Autumn.
Vision Of Summer
-
Sean Kinsella
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 130
- Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:59 am
- Location: Chesterfield
- Contact:
GREENMAN
Good effort generally on this one
Strong lines...
"swelling downlands
And wooden paths
Never still but always
Moving in a secular yet
comforting fashion".
"Sea of Summer leaves" is a charming way in which to re-work a cliche.
Not sure about fields ebb? and flow..( forgive me I've never heard of edd).
It brought up images of a deserted farm field full of wildflowers and informal borders....well done.
BTW the (c) sign at the bottom?...don't blame you
BEST REGARDS
SEAN KINSELLA
Good effort generally on this one
Strong lines...
"swelling downlands
And wooden paths
Never still but always
Moving in a secular yet
comforting fashion".
"Sea of Summer leaves" is a charming way in which to re-work a cliche.
Not sure about fields ebb? and flow..( forgive me I've never heard of edd).
It brought up images of a deserted farm field full of wildflowers and informal borders....well done.
BTW the (c) sign at the bottom?...don't blame you
BEST REGARDS
SEAN KINSELLA
-
alex69williams
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 136
- Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2005 4:08 pm
- Location: London, UK - the gateway to anonymity
Greenman
Some wonderful imagery here, inverting the sky and the sea as if the sky is as serene and yet bustling as the waters are.
I especially liked
"Drifting as if afloat upon
A sea of summer leaves."
What bugged me, though, was the punctuation. It broke up the flow, which is especially important in this poem because you're talking about things in constant motion, like the currents of the sea. I'll PM you my suggestions. I've also changed "edd" to "eddy" - it works better that way, since edd isn't actually a word, but also because it keeps the rythmn smooth.
Also, I'd avoid putting the copyright at the bottom. It's a bit insulting to the rest of the people on the forum. We're here to help, not steal.
Hope this is helpful.
alex
Some wonderful imagery here, inverting the sky and the sea as if the sky is as serene and yet bustling as the waters are.
I especially liked
"Drifting as if afloat upon
A sea of summer leaves."
What bugged me, though, was the punctuation. It broke up the flow, which is especially important in this poem because you're talking about things in constant motion, like the currents of the sea. I'll PM you my suggestions. I've also changed "edd" to "eddy" - it works better that way, since edd isn't actually a word, but also because it keeps the rythmn smooth.
Also, I'd avoid putting the copyright at the bottom. It's a bit insulting to the rest of the people on the forum. We're here to help, not steal.
Hope this is helpful.
alex
Thanks both of you for the comments, I should stop cutting and pasting my poems. Its not helping my dyslexia none. True 'edd' should have read 'ebb' which has been changed. This is sadly part of dyslexia (word blindness), I can read a poem ten time etc and still not notice it should be b's not d's! I hope it reads better now, cheers.
Greenman....
Greenman....