Fishers of Men {edited again}

[BenJohnson]

Version 3

I saw them twice that day

First at the ferry port
unsteady ground beneath my feet;
two boys in ambuscade
between the huge containers.

The smaller, about six
and two shades of dirt darker
than his brother,
wearing only a string vest
that hung to his ankles -
an outsized fishing net
ripped to catch sympathy.

They tugged at my arm
like sharks tasting meat
for the first time in weeks.

But I had been hooked before
and knew the faintest scent
would bring others shoaling.

I gave them two words: "Walung peso"
The truth; nothing to spare,
just enough for food and a night's lodging
out of monsoon rains and empty streets.

I saw them again on my way to eat;

on a step asleep above the swirling streets,
backs to a statue of Christ
whose depleted eyes seemed to avoid the scene.

I left my twenty peso note
beneath one tiny hand.

Version 2

They met twice that day
by accident and design.

At the ferry port,
ground still unsteady beneath his feet;
boys threaded between containers.

One, his face two shades of dirt
darker than his brothers,
dressed in a string vest - his fathers?
An outsized fishing net,
cunningly ripped to catch sympathy.

They tugged the man's arm like sharks,
tasting meat for the first time in weeks; but
he had been baited before, knew the scent
would bring whole shoals flocking.

He gave them two words,
"Walung Peso"
and it was true, no money beyond
food and lodging for the night.

Cheap food meant an evening search
among monsoon rains
and empty streets.

And so they met again.

Asleep on a step above waters swirling below;
his small netted back to the statue of Christ
which gazing over him with ransacked eyes.

The man paused, placing coins
beside the tiny hand.

A minor meal of bread and fish.

Version 1

I saw you twice that day
by accident or design.

At the ferry port,
ground still unsteady beneath my feet,
you slipped from among the containers.

Face two shades of dirt darker than your brother's
you wore his string vest or maybe your father's.
An outsized fishing net, cleverly ripped to
catch our sympathy.

Tugging at my arm like sharks,
tasting meat for the first time in weeks; but
I had seen this bait before, the first scent of money
and whole shoals will come flocking.

I gave you, two words,
"Walung Peso"
and it was true, no money beyond
food and lodging for the night.

But food meant a evening search
for somewhere cheap, among the monsoon rains
and the empty streets.

And so I saw you again, sleeping on a step,
avoiding the currents of water swirling past.
Small netted back turned against the statue of Christ
which gazed down with ransacked eyes.

I left my twenty peso note
tucked beneath your hand.

A meal of bread and fish.

[ray miller]

A mixed catch, Ben. I liked the 6th stanza a lot, though you need an (not a) evening search. The vest as a net is nice. I wondered whether sharks was not a little too fierce and aggressive and if "been this bait before" might be preferable to seen. "ransacked eyes" also seems to be overstating things and I'm not that sure about the final 3 lines.

[Ros]

I like this, Ben. Good images and it has a nice sense of progression. I think you could tighten it up a bit, on the basis of less is more, and you're a bit heavy on the commas. If you would permit me to fiddle:

I saw you twice that day.

At the ferry port,
ground still unsteady beneath my feet,
you slipped from among the containers.

Face two shades of dirt darker than your brother's
you wore his string vest -
an outsized fishing net, ripped
to catch our sympathy.

Tugging at my arm like sharks
tasting meat for the first time in weeks; but
I had seen this bait before, the first scent
and whole shoals come flocking.

I gave you two words,
"Walung Peso"
and it was true, no money beyond
food and lodging for the night.

But food meant a evening search
among the monsoon rains
and empty streets.

And so I saw you again, sleeping on a step,
avoiding the currents of water swirling past.
Small netted back turned against the statue of Christ
which gazed down with ransacked eyes.

I left my twenty peso note
tucked beneath your hand.

A meal of bread and fish.

Strong, simple images needed for this one, I think. Good work.

[jms]

You've told this well. Some of the punctuation felt off to me - a comma needed at the end of S3 L1, and a semicolon rather than the full stop at the end of the next line? A colon or dash rather than the comma in S4 L3. And a semicolon rather than the full stop at the end of S3 L2.

The very last line felt out of place, too forced to try to link with the title / statue of Christ, to be honest I'd just drop it. The title is clever, referring to people trafficking I presume, but maybe is over-clever?

Sorry to harp on here - but this is good, and worth spending the time on.

Cheers,

Jon

[Nigel]

This would have worked better in the third person for me. Interesting, though I'm not sure what's going on.

[BenJohnson]

Thank you for the replies. Firstly Nigel I had been thinking about this today and whether it would work better from a god's eye view and got back to the computer to read your comments, as I result I have recast the story, does it work any better for you?

Ros I quite agree about the punctuation, I wrote it first then went back to punctuate, about halfway through I thought I'm sure I've pressed the comma key too often, but I couldn't see where to cut down on them. I have trimmed it a bit in the rewrite, but I feel you sliced a couple of lines that I particularly wanted

I'm not sure where the people trafficking came from, mention of containers maybe

[Nigel]

Sorry I don't know your name but I've taken the liberty - I hope you'll forgive me - of showing you how it might be improved, by keeping it simple and letting the images do the work. By shaping it around the first person it makes for more immediacy and enhances the reader's vicarious involvement. And trust the reader to get the idea you're trying to convey - you don't need your last line. Anyway, see what you think.


I saw them twice that day
at the ferry port
by accident and design

two boys
the ground unsteady beneath their feet
threading the huge containers

one in a string vest - an outsized fishing net
cunningly ripped to catch sympathy
his face two shades of dirt darker
than his brother’s

they tugged my arm
like sharks tasting meat
for the first time in weeks

but I had been hooked before;
I knew the scent of my blood
would bring a shoal in their wake

I gave them two words: "Walung Peso"
and it was true - I had no money
beyond that for food and lodging for one night
in the monsoon rains and empty streets

later I saw them again

asleep on a step above the swirling tide
with their backs to the statue of Christ
who seemed to watch over them

I paused,
and placed a coin in one the tiny hand

[BenJohnson]

You can call me Ben most of my friends do.

Well it certain changes it and alters the whole meaning , I guess because I haven't managed to convey the story fully.

The ground is unsteady beneath the speakers feet, he has been on a long ferry trip between islands and is accustomed to the rolling of ship.

Christ is not watching over them, he is trying to look over them, there is nothing he can give.

The money given is all the money the speaker has left, they will be the one going hungry that night.

[Ros]

I see we're all having a go at playing fast and loose with your poem I apologise for removing your favourite lines! I like the rewrite although I'll have to think about whether I preferred the first or third person. The only bit I feel is now less strong is the ending

The man paused, placing coins
beside the tiny hand.

A minor meal of bread and fish.

- here I preferred the first version.

Awkward sods, critics, aren't they?

[Nigel]

Well there you go, Ben. That's the problem and that's where workshops are such a useful tool- what's crystal clear in your own mind doesn't always translate to the written page or perhaps, as in my case, the reader is too thick to see it. It's a matter of communication and does it matter if a reader puts a different interpretation on your words as long as the poem is sound. Once it's in the public domain you've got very little control over it. The point of my cheeky rewrite on your behalf was really to demonstrate how concise expression and simple form often work better even if it no longer conveys the sense you intended.

[OwenEdwards]

Small niggles: "father's" in s3; and fiddle the grammar on l2-3 of s8, "the statue of Christ /which gazing over him with ransacked eyes." being ungrammatical and (for me) there being no positive effect in ignoring the standard rule. As for s10, I prefer version 1's simpler version.

[BenJohnson]

Thank you to Nigel, Ros and everyone else who has spent the time on this. I hope this rewrite cracks many of the dislikes

[karalma]

Just to say I loved this Ben. For me it had realism and compassion. One of my favourites that I've read on here. Thanks for sharing and working so hard on it - it was worth it.

cheers