Poetry Forum

she was coy
batted her eyes
for what she desired

it was large
the best she saw
now to get it

her first time
getting to pick
amongst the best

she could picture
it standing tall
just for her

no doubt her dad
would get this tree
and take it home

just for daddy's girl

Sorry Cat I just didn't find this very interesting. There is an expectation that something other than a tree is the object of desire but that kind of falls flat -as so many of them do.

Thanks Ray. This is meant to be humor.
Hugs, Cat

Hi Cat

This did make me laugh. I thought it was cleverly written and there was a surprise at the end. However, it also made me shudder a litlle. I think it was the mixture of desire, dad and young girl that gave it a little bit of a sinister feel. Maybe this was intended?

I know I go on about ruddy punctuation all the time, but switching things around a bit here could give you the intonation you need. Like karaima though, I also found this ever so slightly disturbing on the first read through!

Hi Cat

I did read this as humor when I first read it, but like the others it did fall a little flat. As everyone else has said I think the order is wrong, we are only mis directed at the end, just before we are told it is a tree. Maybe the other way round

She wanted
the tallest she could get

She wanted
it to stand erect
for her

then go on to how she wheedles for it, before turning it around, might have more impact. Like the others the images linked add a disturbing under current of child abuse theme which I'm sure wasn't intended

Thanks for all the comments and replies. I think if I change it around it would take away the surprise??? Nothing sinister about it at all. Just making you think one thing and it takes you somewhere else. You know how little girls wrap their dads around their little fingers? Any ideas? It was intended to misguide but never be sinister.
Hugs, Cat

I like the sinister undercurrent. It lessens the boredom.

V3 and 5 are not quite up to snuff though. They're decidedly uncool, unlike the rest.

Overall, I liked your approach more so than the final product. But hey, you can't please everyone.

Welcome to the forum by the way. Always a pleasure to see new faces.

Thank you for your comments and suggestions Samaritan. I am going to do some work on this one.
Hugs, Cat