caught in blue light

[bis]

am not really sure about this one, doesn't quite sit right...



Caught standing in blue light,
Writing on blue paper with a blue pen
I realized I’ve never marked a single sheet that I wrote.

All the days I scribbled words in six foot letters
On the inside of your eardrum
Are lost and gone, leaving only a hum
And a whisper in your voice.

All the makeshift choirs of jaded hopes singing
From the song sheets that I thought I wrote
Fell on ears as deaf as the concrete slabs
On which they’ll write my epitaph.

Here lies a man without words, whose voice is forgotten and gone.

I wake in the night
With my pen stuck down my throat,
I feel to check you’re still there,
I realize I woke because of the sound from the street,
Wafting words in the air, but none mine.

And on the wall down from my house,
Written in letters black like a dog bite
Is ‘Jenny sucks cock for rock’
And I know this is a lie,

Because Jenny lives on dreams,
and follows the route mapped out
by the veins on her hand
and sings lullabies in a tongue i don't understand.

And further down watching me with self imposed morality
Spat in red ink is ‘peace not war’.
But I know that War dreams of Peace,
And wishes he knew how to communicate,
And if only Peace wouldn’t be so goddamn sanctimonious
And would answer his calls.

And then I remember
That the only words that matter,
Are the ones that I write with my tongue
On the inside of your thighs.
A eulogy to forgotten symphonies,
Music that will only be played between our sheets
As you breathe another song into my ear.


bis

[alex69williams]

bis

"Because Jenny lives on dreams,
And sings songs in a tongue I dont understand.
She does not smoke rock, at least never on purpose,
Because all that she wants is to dance."

Personally, I'd scrap this stanza. It's clumsy, irrelevant and just makes an already longish poem unnecessarily longer. Just my opinion.

"Choirs of dreams"? Bit cliche, isn't it?

Could come up with something more imaginative than "written in red ink", more like what you did with the black writing, "smeared" or "scratched" or "seared" - something like that.

Nice sexual undertones (or is it overtones?) in the final stanza. Probably the best stanza in the poem (for me).

Don't take the criticism too hard, there are lots of good things about this poem - I do like it. The imagery is concise and vivid in places, the tone is excellent. Very Keats - herein lies a man whose name in writ in water. It has the makings of a good poem, it just doesn't quite do it for me yet. Re-work it a bit and it'll be there.

Keep posting updates here.

Cheers

alex

[bis]

thanks alex69williams



have edited up above as i go along, not sure if that's what i should do or edit underneath to show progression,

bis

[alex69williams]

Yeah, we generally edit the original post and just tell ppl. If it changes drastically, just post the original for ppl to compare. Haven't noticed ALL that many changes (although spat works well), but haven't checked through it yet

alex

[bis]

haven't done all that many yet cause im at work
but will knuckle down to it later

[pb]

bis,

Because Jenny lives on dreams,
and follows the route mapped out
by the veins on her hand
and sings lullabies in a tongue i don't understand.

this is great: just the right mix of poignancy and ethereality.

I really like your style.

pb

[alex69williams]

Much MUCH better

alex

[Sean Kinsella]

BIS

Some uncertain lines, but some promising ones as well

"All the days I scribbled words in six foot letters
On the inside of your eardrum
Are lost and gone, leaving only a hum"

and these are the standout lines for me...

"And further down watching me with self imposed morality
written in red ink is 'peace not war'.
But I know that War dreams of Peace,
And wishes he knew how to communicate,
And if only peace wouldn't be so goddamn sanctimonious
and would answer his calls."

BEST REGARDS
SEAN KINSELLA