No latitude (minor revision)

[bodkin]

Revised L4 following Og's comments:

Drank a small port in a storm
while out staring round windows
at the spectacle of imbeciles
performing Arctic turns.

As if the future had arrived at last,
there are no more pages in my diary
except the one labelled:
"Flags of the World".

And my ice-skates thinly over such doubts
-- about digging a cellar or lighting a fire --
as a man in an igloo might have and dismiss.

And nothing else is amiss,
except I asked for more ice
in my drink.

--

Original:

Drank a small port in a storm
while out staring round windows
at the spectacle of Arctic imbeciles
glibly jaunting past.

As if the future had arrived at last,
there are no more pages in my diary
except the one labelled:
"Flags of the World".

And my ice-skates thinly over such doubts
-- about digging a cellar or lighting a fire --
as a man in an igloo might have and dismiss.

And nothing else is amiss,
except I asked for more ice
in my drink.

(added a comma as per Og's suggestion)

[BenJohnson]

I like this, the opening play on words which is carried through the whole piece. I'm picturing a person on a cruise liner or other comfortable means of transport with nothing more to worry about that the ice in their drink.

S2 is just great, a perfect package.
L2 of S1 I find reads awkwardly, not sure how you out stare a window, I guess it would always win. Though is suits the misleading tangle of language.
L1 of s3 I needed to read a few times to get my brain to handle it, nothing wrong with the line though, just my brain

[oranggunung]

bod

I like the idea here – the title suggests a pole, and the ice and igloo pointed me north.

I’m not so keen on the execution, though. S1 feels rather artificial –


Arctic imbeciles
glibly jaunting past.

seems like an exercise in word collage.


while out staring round windows

This got me tangled too. Clearly not the same as staring out of round windows, but what exactly is going on?


Drank a small port in a storm

Clever, yes, but relevant? Hmmmm. This line doesn’t seem to belong. Why would you be out in a storm in the Arctic drinking alcohol? Perhaps I’m being too literal.

The “and”s of S3 and S4 seem superfluous. They give the verses a tacked on feel. This doesn’t do them justice.


As if the future had arrived at last
there are no more pages in my diary
except the one labelled:

I feel the need for some additional punctuation here. To my way of thinking, the first and second lines don’t sit well together as they are.


And my ice-skates thinly over such doubts

The adverb, ‘thinly’, suggests a preceding verb (skates). So, by a process of elimination, the subject is ‘my ice’. The combination of words must’ve been appealing, but the contortion of sense is uncomfortable.

Perhaps my biggest problem is the chopping and changing of style. There is flippancy, rich verbiage, surrealism and journalism all thrown together in just four verses. It’s too much of a rollercoaster for me.

As I mentioned (some time ago), I like the idea that the title suggests. Unfortunately, I can’t make sense of the whole. Can you give me any pointers to help my interpretation?


og

[bodkin]

Hi Ben,

Yes, a tangle of language was pretty much the point. It was really meant just to be a silly thing.

Hi Og,

You may be reading more into it that I meant... sorry about that. I actually pictured the protag inside watching the Arctic through the window on a ship. e.g. In the storm but not entirely _out_ in the storm... Why would he drink? mostly just for the pun out-staring the window is also a pun, but I did have in mind the idea that the landscape is uncompromising and won't be the first to blink...

Punctuation -- yes, I think I need a comma, I will do that in a second...

The "And"'s you may be right over but I liked them to keep the thing moving rapidly.

I'm not sure what you mean about multiple styles (and I am utterly flummoxed which part is journalism), definitely there is flippancy and probably surrealism and the verbiage, is that a style? Which bit in-particular is too "rich".

Like I said, 'twas only for fun really...

Thanks guys for the comments,

Ian

[BenJohnson]

I'm still enjoying it, the light hearted playfulness is quite refreshing, sometimes it is good just to enjoy the language.

[R. Broath]

Some nice wordplay here Ian. The second stanza is very good, imo; reminds me of those hardy explorers whose gentlemanly endeavours gave to the late 19thC and early 20thC an heroic age of boldly going.

Jimmy

[oranggunung]

You may be reading more into it that I meant...

Ultimately, this seems to have been my downfall.

The out-staring pun eluded me, because the sentence wanted to utilize the words in two conflicting ways at the same time. I must let my grammatical sense off the leash now and then.

I'm not sure what you mean about multiple styles (and I am utterly flummoxed which part is journalism)

On reflection, ‘journalism’ may be the wrong word. At the end, I thought the style was akin to what one might write in one’s journal. Reminiscent of some of jms’ recent pieces.

The overly rich bit (for my palate at least) was here:


at the spectacle of Arctic imbeciles
glibly jaunting past.

“glibly jaunting” felt like a playful use of language, rather than an appropriate description. Clearly I shouldn’t have taken this literally.


Apologies for reading too closely

og

[bodkin]

Oh hey Og!

There's absolutely no need to apologise... the reading of the reader is the _real_ reading. The reading of the writer is just what they hoped would happen. It's useful to me that you mis-got it. Much more useful than the (admittedly more rewarding) notes from people who did read it as I intended. Hopefully it teaches me something about how to do it next time. Possibly what I will do next time is frame the absurd parts in some sort of set-up. Or possibly I'll not do puns and freaky word order quite so sliced together.

I see what you mean about "journalism" now, more sort of "diary speak"... I think in retrospect I would keep that over the rich stuff. I'm considering swapping the glibly jaunting part for a pun based on "Arctic Terns" (terns/turns, y'see). What do you think...

Acherly, I think I'll just do that edit and see if anybody responds!

Regards and thanks,

Ian

[Ros]

I think it seems most appropriate to have squeezed yet another bad pun in!

[BenJohnson]

Sorry I actually enjoyed the original more , the pun on turns didn't really work the rhyme with past and last seemed to move the original on.

[bodkin]

Oh yes, the rhyme. Bum!

So that's one vote for the new and one vote for the original...

I think I liked the original more also...

and dissenting voices before I change it back?

Edit she come. Edit she go. Same thing.

Ian