Room Service

[Epicurean]

Room Service

He feels that there's something
between them now as she steps
out of the shower whistling a tune
he doesn't know easy in her nakedness
and it fits a template in his mind
of how things should always have been
between him and someone else
but never were

When she walks towards him and
smiles he wants to think and thinks
that after all it’s about just the two of them
and his face crumples into old-man-crying
as he sees someone like her on his arm
pointing at blue-roped lobster-pots
across the table in that little French place
dodging the spray in the bow of a dinghy
in a clothes-shop trying on dresses
while he waits

She stands at the foot of the bed
black hair hanging wet and slippery
on her shoulders like a gull's oiled
wings and a white towel seesaws
between her open legs You gave
a good-time girl a good time and no
mistake sailor and he blushes
thinking her sincere for a moment
for a moment reminded of a time
when the touch of skin on soft skin
a kiss in the sand or half a pint of
cockles might lead anywhere but
to here, to this

[k-j]

Hi Phil. I enjoyed this. I think you've handled the train-of-thought style really well, given it just enough freedom. I like the way the scattered colour glimmers in the stream: blue-roped lobster-pots, black hair, white towel. You've used a few images to strong effect: "face crumples into old-man-crying" (love that one), the wet hair "like a gull's oiled wings". "Seesaws" is an excellent choice of verb.

I thought the opening was quite weak. "He feels that there's something between them" may be what he feels but it's hard to read because it's such a hackneyed Mills-and-Boonish turn of phrase. I'm not keen on the short line to end each part, either, especially "to here, to this". I'd end it with slightly longer lines for deader silence afterwards: "a kiss in the sand or half a pint of cockles / might lead anywhere but to here"

The balance between said and unsaid is just right here. Nice one.

[Sharra]

I liked this and thought there were some great lines in it – I loved the very visual images you have such as ‘crumples into old-man-crying’, blue-roped lobster-pots, gull's oiled wings. I too wasn’t sure about the opening line, it felt weak and like you are telling us what you will show us later. Could you start it at ‘she steps out of the shower whistling a tune’ ? I thought the rest of S1 was great and worked well.

I felt it would benefit from a little punctuation here and there, or else maybe make sure you are using line breaks to act as punctuation. The line ‘he wants to think and thinks’ in S2, confused me a little.

I also wasn’t sure about some of the line breaks. I would tend to say
‘When she walks towards him and smiles
he wants to think’

and if it was mine, I’d probably rearrange the last few lines like this:

for a moment reminded
of a time when the touch of skin
on soft skin, a kiss in the sand
or half a pint of cockles
might lead anywhere
but to here, to this

Sharra
xx

[Epicurean]

Hi k-j and Sharra. I think you're right about the opening. It does seem weak. I'll work on that. And on the line breaks, too. Good point. Thanks for the advice.

Phil

[Nigel]

I thought this was excellent -a stream of consciousness as buoyant as poostick on a fast river. Wistful with just enough cynicism to balance it towards the end and the image of the towel seesawing through her legs was almost 3d. I wouldn't nitpick this one. It works fine for me as it is.

[Epicurean]

a stream of consciousness as buoyant as poostick on a fast river

The best crit I've ever had. If I ever get published can I put it on the dust-jacket please?

[PhilipCFJohnson]

Ah ha! I finally found you! My name-sake!

From one Phil to another, I'd like to say I really loved this!

All the sea imagery was very specific and neatly placed, which really appealed to me.
This poem is very concentrated and expressed wonderfully. It explores nicely and thouroughly the implications of the event without going off on one.


The only point in the poem where I kind of lost you was in the speech part:

"You gave
a good-time girl a good time and no
mistake sailor"

The lines sounded a bit "Hollywood" for my tastes, and I'm not sure anybody would say that in real conversation.

But that's my one and only hag-up. Everything else really hit the spot for me!
I really enjoyed this read!

Many Thanks
All the best
Phil

[BenJohnson]

The only point in the poem where I kind of lost you was in the speech part:

"You gave
a good-time girl a good time and no
mistake sailor"

The lines sounded a bit "Hollywood" for my tastes, and I'm not sure anybody would say that in real conversation.

That was what I liked the most about those lines, I think some people would say them, they show her joking rather than being serious, which for me drives the next point home that for a second he believes her to be serious.

Like Nigel nothing to crit in thise. I've read it several times and I still love it.

[dedalus]

This was good ... I think that's beyond question (although structurally shaky here and there, just like what happens to all of us!!) ... but also a bit sad. You end up with a PWF taste to it. Dunno.

[Epicurean]

Thanks Phil, Ben and dedalus for those thoughts. I think I probably did intend what the woman says to be tongue-in-cheek - a joke which a lonely old man reads too much into - but maybe it is a bit 'hollywood' as you say, Phil.

Sad is what I think it is, dedalus, but 'PWF' is lost on me. What does it mean? And could you say more about the weaknesses in the structure?

[juliadebeauvoir]

I liked the style of the easy, conversational tone ending on a poignant note. I guess I didn't get that the N was an old man. He appeared as young as she throughout. Old-man-crying was perfect. My grandfather got that way towards the end of his life. I would go visit him and he would cry when I left--a soft, pitable sound. He had always been a strong, silent guy up until then. But life beats us up--makes our hearts a little tender.

I had no problems with 'whistling a tune'--loved 'easy in her nakedness'. He remembers an old lover, expects something more out of her and doesn't quite get it. Sad. I think that is the point of poetry--to evoke an emotional response. And here you have done that brilliantly, at least for me.
Most of my crits will be of a structural nature.

When she walks towards him and
smiles he wants to think and thinks

I knnow that you were going for stream of consciousness but 'think and thinks' made me stumble about. The reason this was an issue is because the next couple of lines set up an old memory. By the time I got to that I thought he was talking about the present girl and not the past girl so I had to re-read it. It stopped the flow. Maybe tightening this passage would help with clarifying the past memory.

She stands at the foot of the bed
black hair hanging wet and slippery
on her shoulders like a gull's oiled
wings and a white towel seesaws
between her open legs You gave
a good-time girl a good time and no
mistake sailor and he blushes

She looks like a boat coming into harbor. Docking at Port. Which is apt when she talks about a sailor. I don't know if the trouble for me was the old "Hollywood" style as some have suggested as much as the set up of words.
For example: "between her open legs You gave a good-time girl a good time..."
I would make a break between 'open legs' and You.

"She stands at the foot of the bed
black hair hanging wet and slippery
on her shoulders like a gull's oiled
wings and a white towel seesaws
between her open legs
You gave a good-time girl a good time
and no mistake sailor
and he blushes"

thinking her sincere for a moment
for a moment reminded of a time
when the touch of skin on soft skin
a kiss in the sand or half a pint of
cockles might lead anywhere but
to here, to this

Truly lovely ending.

Cheers,
Kim

[Epicurean]

Thanks, Kim. Everything you say makes sense. I've been tweaking, and I'll tweak some more.

This business of a line-breaks is tricky one isn't it? Sometimes I find myself going for the visual option at the expense of the sense. Not good.

Phil