Three

[Epicurean]

Three

'Never mind about me,' I whisper
to the top of her head. 'Not really
in the mood.' I reach down, run
my fingers through her tight black
curls. She looks up. 'Again?'

'All this mothering,' I say, turning
to check the cot. 'You're not
my mother,' she says, resting her cheek
on my stomach, stroking my thigh.
I smile. Sometimes I think I am.

My baby wakes. Strange how good things
often arrive in pairs. Some afternoons
when they're both with me
I forget where one kind of love ends
and the other begins.

[Suzanne]

Epi,

This is a beautiful poem about the realities of life.
I enjoyed reading it although it brought back memeories of those times gone by when a baby was in the house,
it was a wonderful but not an easy time in life.

You have captured just a moment of the struggle of between being an individual and being a person in a family very well.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Donnie Douglas]

I love the emphasis on mother here.

[beautifulloser]

Hey Epi

You've caught the moment well here and I can picture the scene but it's too cliche. Particularly the first stanza which is littered with them - if you don't mind me being brutally honest.

'Never mind about me,' I whisper - cliche
to the top of her head. 'Not really
in the mood.' I reach down, run - cliche
my fingers through her tight black - cliche
curls. She looks up. 'Again?'

'All this mothering,' I say, turning - - cliche
to check the cot. 'You're not
my mother,' she says, resting her cheek
on my stomach, stroking my thigh.
I smile. Sometimes I think I am.

My baby wakes. Strange how good things
often arrive in pairs. Some afternoons -cliche
when they're both with me
I forget where one kind of love ends
and the other begins. - cliche

My suggestion would be to try and find something original for these lines, which are personal to you and that situation.

How does she react to you running fingers through the hair? Not something made up or easily latched onto, but something meaningful, above the obvious to us as a reader and lucid to you as the poet. Give us something special we can make our own, we all know these turns of phrase - no?

Likewise for the other parts that are cliche. Hope that helps.

me
x

[Epicurean]

Thanks Suzanne, Donnie and beautifulloser for the attention. I was trying to capture everyday language here, not poetic variations, bl - to speak in the mother's voice, not mine - so I'm not sure that I mind you pointing out all the cliches.

I'm intrigued by experiences I'll never have - like childbirth - and the poem was intended to be about that enviable post-natal state that some women - maybe not many, but I've known some - find themselves in, when everything seems to be right in the world. I thought that the chances of that happening with a man around were a tad less than if it were two women and a baby. I also imagined the new mother not being to get her head (or whatever) around sex yet but not really feeling bothered either way...

Anyway, I've written about twice as many words explaining the poem as it contains. That has to be a measure of its failure...

Cheers,

Phil

[Wabznasm]

Phil

This is chiselled and shaped nicely, but I'm having difficulty going for it. There doesn't seem to be any tension, any mystery, any showing off or any implication. The ending wraps it up too nicely.

The problem is that poems of such simplicity like this one often rely on dazzlingly deft use of metonyms, implication by object and the like, or even just a tension between the words and the actions. There isn't much of this here. In fact, its far too clear. I would be more impressed if the parts like 'Sometimes I think I am' were artfully expressed through implication, but they're not.

Sorry
Dave

[Epicurean]

No need to apologise, Dave. If we all apologised for saying what we think where would it all end?

I think you're right, and others have suggested much the same thing.

I've got a soft spot for it, though, partly because it's one of my few attempts to write 'from the other side' and partly because I'm hoping that the gradual realisation in the reader's mind that the narrator is a woman might make make it slightly interesting...

[Sharra]

This didn't really work for me I'm afraid. I liked the idea behind it, but I got confused who was saying what.
I also think it jarred with me as, when there's a new baby in the house, sex isn't even on the radar, not even to regret or realise you aren't thinking about it, its just so unimportant in comparison the the baby.
For me the most interesting part was about the confusion of the type of love felt for each person, I think you have sonething there
Sharra
xx

[Epicurean]

when there's a new baby in the house, sex isn't even on the radar

That's exactly what I was trying to write about, Sharra, but in the context of a woman who has just given birth and also acquired a new (female) lover - maybe her first.

From yours and other people's comments it obviously didn't come across that way.

Back to the drawing-board...

[BenJohnson]

Personally I think it did come across that way and that is what confused me, it sounded like two female (lovers) having a conversation, but I was thinking where the hell did the baby come from then and decided I must be wrong.

[Epicurean]

it sounded like two female (lovers) having a conversation, but I was thinking where the hell did the baby come from then and decided I must be wrong

Hmmm... Don't know what to make of that

[Ros]

I enjoyed the third verse, but like others the first two verses didn't say much to me. Perhaps I wasn't paying enough attention, but I didn't get the impression of two females until you explained it. I just got an impression of a husband mothering his wife at a time when she needed some care and attention.

[Callum C]

This comes back to definitions of poetry. Do line breaks define a poem? I don't think they do. Many people would say that a poem makes use of language in some interesting way that is both surprising and illuminative. If you were to get rid of the line breaks, this is just prose. Unimaginative prose. Do you read much in the way of poetry?

If you can learn, and if you are in any way serious about poetry as it exists in the real world, you should at least try to learn from the masters. The Norton Anthology of Poetry is the University text and not place to start for a general overview; a springboard into writing and thought.