Northern Light

[Elphin]

ORIGINAL
a haar is hanging grey
as a wet semmit
on Monday’s washing line

I come to work here

among the gulls
a sparrow is pecking
at the lunchtime crumbs

I have to stay here

where only a borealis
can quicken rare light
on the granite faces

I cannot bide here

semmit (Scots) - vest

REVISION (on reflection relegated below the original but left up as a lesson that sometimes its best not to mess!!)
a haar is hanging
damp as a greying semmit
on Monday’s washing line

I come to work here

among the gulls
a lintie pecks
at the lunchtime crumbs

I have to stay here

where only the rare light
of a borealis
speirs the granite faces

I cannot bide here

semmit (Scots) – vest
lintie (Scots) – small finch
speirs (Scots) - asks questions of

[stuartryder]

a haar is hanging grey
as a wet semmit
on Monday’s washing line

I come to work here

among the gulls
a sparrow is pecking
at the lunchtime crumbs

I have to stay here

where only a borealis
can throw rare light
on the granite faces

I cannot bide here

semmit (Scots) - vest

There is a lot of open space in the structure of this, Elphin. That makes me very jealous.

Either it comes naturally to you or you edit ferociously. Which is it?

Cheers

Stuart

[Lake]

Hi Elphin,

This is very you, I mean, the form. Your poems are always presented in a kind of form, either in a form form or Elphin form. Very neat. What is haar? Is it fog? I saw a picture of Auroras on the web, it's so beautiful. I also like the sense of movement in the piece and the variation of the repetition of the one liner verse.

Best

Lake

[Sharra]

Hi Elph
As Stuart said, this has a great open feel to it, and a beautifully quiet voice. I loved the contrasting images, especially the small bird against the sky-encompassing northern lights.
Just a couple of niggles from me. I wasn’t sure about the concentration of dialect in the first stanza followed by none. The words themselves work well, but it almost feels like they’re shoved into the first stanza for the purpose of creating a Scottish atmosphere. For me, I’d prefer it if there were more or the ones you have were scattered more – the poem feels a little top heavy at present.
I also wasn’t sure what the poem was saying regarding the ‘I have to stay here’ and ‘I cannot bide here’ as I understood bide to mean stay/dwell/endure – so it feels like you’re contradicting yourself. But maybe I'm missing something?
Sharra
x

[David]

A haar! (Aha!) We've had one of them before, haven't we? Don't remember seeing a semmit before, though.

Is a borealis actually used like that? Haven't seen that before either.

I like the way the viewpoint constantly changes, and the whole thing seems like a pretty (but pale) Scottish watercolour. Very good.

Cheers

David

[Wabznasm]

Terrific. The bits are held together wonderfully in a sort of laconic wrestling with the landscape - feels like late Heaney to me.

I think you need to work on the borealis stanza, however, simply because I don't think you can get away with the somewhat diluted 'throw light' in such a chiselled poem.

A quick response to the dialect: I like it as is. It'd be antiquated to say to yourself 'Right, I'm going to knock up a full dialect poem'; the dialect words here arise naturally enough for me to see the language not as a battle ground but as something already won -- a sort of middle point between the full English tongue and the (I think) often fake full-on scots piece.

Top work

Dave

[nar]

Ah yes, Aberdeen.

rare light
on the granite faces

How right you are, and how nicely written.

I agree with David on the pale watercolour image. It typifies the place rather well.

Much enjoyed.

- Neil.

[Jasper]

a haar is hanging grey
as a wet semmit... do you really need wet here when the next line makes its wetness obvious.
on Monday’s washing line... though I'm not sure of the imply/relevance of on or line being used here to describe fog.

I come to work here

among the gulls
a sparrow is pecking
at the lunchtime crumbs

I have to stay here

where only a borealis
can throw rare light
on the granite faces... there's like a secret being kept from the reader here... what is it as this says nothing really?

I cannot bide here... I'd swap this, and the I have to stay here line around.

semmit (Scots) - vest

I really like the tone of voice this carries throughout. But all I can really figure from it is that the N is the keeper of some form of desirable but loathed crumb or secret. Mind, being about light, it could also be about nothing more than run of paint (a drip) in/on an old painting/masterpiece.

J

[Lovely]

Southern man, by Neil Young, eh? Liked the north touch here although I guess it
bears no meaning to the latter.

It is a moment shared I guess with others and a nice short meditation.

DJL

[backinblack]

A much enjoyed read that touched on the "Jockness" in me.
Some fab images here, liked the use of the scots dialect, although I would have liked to see a bit more.
It seems to cut off after S1.
I felt the final stanza was very well thought out also.
nice little write, enjoyed.

BinB.

[Raisin]

Very peaceful and soothing to read, I thought.

"where only a borealis
can throw rare light
on the granite faces"

I loved this part, it reads very naturally and the imagery is great.

The ending is lovely and sounds practical rather than sad, like the persona knows that as beautiful as this place is, they can't stay forever. Almost as though it's bad for them to be in one place for long, I'm not sure if this is what you intended, but that's what I got from it, wonderful

Thanks Elph.

Raisin

[thoke]

A sympathetic portrait of an unhappy Scot. Nicely done.

Ben

[Ros]

Very nice. People seem to have read some interesting interpretations into this, whereas I felt it was just straightforwardly good - about a miserable outsider who didn't like the wet fogs and dark days, forced to stay for work but unable to feel at home. Very succinct and more powerful because of it.

Ros

[Elphin]

Thanks everyone

While Ros hit the nail on the head as to the intent, I like the fact there was sufficient ambiguity to allow other interpretations.

Stu - the open space came naturally in this one. Sometime it takes more chiselling but this one with the interspersing one liners formed in my head over a few days.

Sharra - fair point about all the dialect being in s1. Im not sure I cna rectify that in this one but I do need to bear it in mind. This kind of leads on to Wabs point - I am trying to let the dialect fall naturally in the way I would (in certain situations) allow these "old" words to creep into my generally standard English. I have tried the full dialect poems and I cant do it - I dont speak like that and it feels contrived.

Jasper - Im still contemplating the suggested line switch. Thanks. The relevance of the line is that as you drive into Aberdeen the haar (fog) suddenly appears and looks (to me anyway) as if its hung on a line.

Raisin - I like your interp. Im glad you could get that - its not such a terrible place after all

All others, your input is appreciated as always.

elph

[Lovely]

Northen lights are fine
but how is one to divine the mind?
She moves at times with eagles
and dances upon tables;

then, is this the shine?
Where once i knew this Mind?

I've known of thunder and cloud
but not this stormy weather/...





loads of lovexxxxxxxxxxxxxx

D J Lovely

[Elphin]

Thanks DJL

If you can indulge me again, I have posted a revision.

Ta muchly

elph

[Ros]

Elph, I preferred the first versions of the semmit lines and the borealis lines - swapped round, they seem less original and thus less effective. On the other hand, speirs is an interesting word and reads (for me, anyway) at first read as spears, which also fits of course. I liked throw rare light, though...

Ambivalently yours,

Ros

[Elphin]

Ros

You know what - I think you are right.

I will relegate the revision and leave the original on top.

elph

[a. gray]

Hello Elphin,

I'm quite new to the site, just been having a look around and this poem caught my attention. I have to say, I prefer the original but both have their strong points. You've got a lot of valuable comments so I'll just chime in to say I like the subtle assonance and soft meter and very much like the almost rhymes you've got going; gulls/crumbs, borealis/faces etc. Extremely cool. And thanks for posting the key!