Revision
Above the talk,
indigo night
cools us enough
to acquiesce, our
knife edge blunted
on language.
Musics ripple wide
ochre-lit pools
of sound (jingling glass,
crushed pebble) and we -- no
.....skip-..s
...............S
.................splish-spla
-Dooms,...torn up,
......dis
..........solved
.................between
the iron muscled
jaws of dream
and vision,
are, at once, fracturing
and held.
O! shatter the teeth, love
here is the hour:
our mouths are red!
poison the sway of flowers,
be everywhere
as dark. Yes,
the world shrivels,
time yawns and we'll
die
but
death is abstract;
Stars will die,
we melt.
We feel every
chord resonate as
a gong slow-hit:
trembling our bodies
and ambiguities.
Original
Above the talk,
indigo night
cools us enough
to acquiesce, our
knife edge blunted
on language.
Musics ripple
through honey pools
of sound
...........(jingling glass,
crushed pebble) and we -- no
....skip-..s
..............S
................splish or spla
Doom! --..., torn up, dis
....solved
..................between
the iron muscled
jaws of dream
and vision,
are, all at once, fracturing
and held.
O! love
here is the hour:
our mouths are red,
poison the sway of every flower!
be everywhere
as dark. Yes,
the world shrivels,
time yawns and we'll
die
but
death is abstraction;
Stars die,
we're melting.
We feel every
chord resonate as
a gong slow-hit:
trembling our bodies
and ambiguities.
April Youth (revised)
love youdddddddddd.
Nice and descent great to love you. Really.
Enjoy us all methink all this liquid to drink
cauldron cups of various lights and weights
but drink and drink teeeeeeeeeeeeenight
till zero is left
then pick me up I suppose into a another pose
where egos shine into mirrows
where ever people dance though.
Loads of warmth deeply.
DJL xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Nice and descent great to love you. Really.
Enjoy us all methink all this liquid to drink
cauldron cups of various lights and weights
but drink and drink teeeeeeeeeeeeenight
till zero is left
then pick me up I suppose into a another pose
where egos shine into mirrows
where ever people dance though.
Loads of warmth deeply.
DJL xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Last edited by Lovely on Thu Apr 23, 2009 1:51 am, edited 4 times in total.
Not Alasdair, I hope? Not sure I could cope with that.
You're one of these new-fangled fellows that fannies about with the format, aren't you. It's not something I've tried myself,but I have to agree that it does freshen up the page.
Anyway, just time for this at the moment:
indigo night - lovely phrase, but a bit hackneyed?
honey pools - lovely phrase, full stop.
...........(jingling glass,
crushed pebble) and we -- no
....skip-..s
..............S - I lost it a bit about here, but these clearly are the rapids of your river.
It gets very Romantic towards the end, but I quite like that.
A fascinating piece altogether, I thought. Welcome.
Cheers
David
You're one of these new-fangled fellows that fannies about with the format, aren't you. It's not something I've tried myself,but I have to agree that it does freshen up the page.
Anyway, just time for this at the moment:
indigo night - lovely phrase, but a bit hackneyed?
honey pools - lovely phrase, full stop.
...........(jingling glass,
crushed pebble) and we -- no
....skip-..s
..............S - I lost it a bit about here, but these clearly are the rapids of your river.
It gets very Romantic towards the end, but I quite like that.
A fascinating piece altogether, I thought. Welcome.
Cheers
David
hmmm... 2 for and me against the format fandango!
Sure, it seems swish enough, but don't you think the format takes away from the words.
Show pony stuff this!
Sorry, G.... I've seen it all, and even written it. Now however not much impresses me other the plain old wordsmithery of this art.
J
Sure, it seems swish enough, but don't you think the format takes away from the words.
Show pony stuff this!
Sorry, G.... I've seen it all, and even written it. Now however not much impresses me other the plain old wordsmithery of this art.
J
Hi David,
not Alasdair (un)fortunately, not as many grey hairs! Arthur, actually, named after my grandad (who wasn't a Frenchman!)
Yes, I am at least all of the 'f's you mention. I don't sit down and say; "I'm gonna do something funky here" but I do find myself playing around with form, sometimes after I've done one draft. I do try to stay faithful to the event, at least.
'indigo night', now that you mention it, does seem a little pedestrian; I'll have to think about that one.
You mention the Romantics, I'd have to cite them as an influence along with the Symbolists, I'm starting to get into Surrealism and I've been reading cummings; I think when it comes to writing stuff like this, you've got to be careful of not re-treading old ground, I hope I've been.
not Alasdair (un)fortunately, not as many grey hairs! Arthur, actually, named after my grandad (who wasn't a Frenchman!)
Yes, I am at least all of the 'f's you mention. I don't sit down and say; "I'm gonna do something funky here" but I do find myself playing around with form, sometimes after I've done one draft. I do try to stay faithful to the event, at least.
'indigo night', now that you mention it, does seem a little pedestrian; I'll have to think about that one.
You mention the Romantics, I'd have to cite them as an influence along with the Symbolists, I'm starting to get into Surrealism and I've been reading cummings; I think when it comes to writing stuff like this, you've got to be careful of not re-treading old ground, I hope I've been.
Hi Jasper,
when you look at it, it's only really two stanzas have been played around with. I don't want to say too much but there is a purpose behind it; I can promise you, this wasn't written as an attempt at 'showiness' or to impress, but to grasp a whole experience.
I have tried to show faith in subject matter throughout.
Thanks anyway for the opinion.
when you look at it, it's only really two stanzas have been played around with. I don't want to say too much but there is a purpose behind it; I can promise you, this wasn't written as an attempt at 'showiness' or to impress, but to grasp a whole experience.
I have tried to show faith in subject matter throughout.
Sorry man, but that statement must seem laughable to you, no? If not, I can't imagine what you would hope to gain from an online forum!?Jasper wrote:I've seen it all, and even written it.
Thanks anyway for the opinion.
Arthur (Arthur!), it's not that indigo night sounds pedestrian, I think - as I said, it's a lovely image. It's just that, on second nagging thoughts, I googled it and came up with 10,500 hits. That's invariably the trouble with poetry, I find - you come up with something good, and it turns out some other bugger (or 10,500 of 'em) have thought of it first.
Keep persevering, though.
Where does the Frenchness come into Arthur?
Cheers
David
Keep persevering, though.
Where does the Frenchness come into Arthur?
Cheers
David
-
thoke
- Preponderant Poster
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- Location: Nottingham
I like the anarchic third stanza. You've managed to go all abstract and disrupt the format without coming across as a ponce. Well done. The "O!" seems a little out of place amongst all the modern stuff, but apart from that I'm pretty happy with the way you've captured your thoughts. I like the scene-setting at the beginning and the crazy optimism towards the end. The love stuff arrives a bit too suddenly perhaps. "our mouths are red, poison the sway of every flower" might sound better as "red mouths poison the sway of every flower."
Good fun,
Ben
Good fun,
Ben
-
ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Hello Arthur, "We feel every chord resonate as a gong slow-hit" is great and I know what you're saying, on the other hand,"honey pools of sound" I neither see nor hear. As for the middle section and the numerous line breaks they do nowt for me but distract, I'm afraid.It's an interesting read, though.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
arthur
A strong first post. As others have pointed out the honey pools and gong lines are very good and yes, you have pulled off having an unusual format without appearing "a ponce".
A couple of observations. I felt your line lengths were too short, without good reason and in fact the disrupted middle section might be more impactful if the lines before and after are of more "traditional" length of around 8-10 syllables.
Death is an abstraction - a grand and in fact grandiose statement that sticks out like a sore thumb among the other more interesting language.
I was about to complain about the O love! line but on reflection I think it works. It helps the poem flow into the romantic.
Enjoyed
elph
P.S. thx for the crit on mine. I didnt want to bump it just to say Ta.
A strong first post. As others have pointed out the honey pools and gong lines are very good and yes, you have pulled off having an unusual format without appearing "a ponce".
A couple of observations. I felt your line lengths were too short, without good reason and in fact the disrupted middle section might be more impactful if the lines before and after are of more "traditional" length of around 8-10 syllables.
Death is an abstraction - a grand and in fact grandiose statement that sticks out like a sore thumb among the other more interesting language.
I was about to complain about the O love! line but on reflection I think it works. It helps the poem flow into the romantic.
Enjoyed
elph
P.S. thx for the crit on mine. I didnt want to bump it just to say Ta.
Hi everyone,
thanks for all the helpful input, sorry I'm a bit late back to this one.
Ray, I think I agree with you about the 'honey pools', which others have liked. Dilemna!!
And Elphin, thanks for your critique. I think what I might do is bring the whole thing into one and tidy up the middle section.
You've all mostly echoed my own doubts about the poem, which is encouraging really. Thanks to everyone who read, if you took something away, more's the better.
thanks for all the helpful input, sorry I'm a bit late back to this one.
Ray, I think I agree with you about the 'honey pools', which others have liked. Dilemna!!
And Elphin, thanks for your critique. I think what I might do is bring the whole thing into one and tidy up the middle section.
You've all mostly echoed my own doubts about the poem, which is encouraging really. Thanks to everyone who read, if you took something away, more's the better.