Week of First Drafts - Sunday - A ten words exercise

[feithline]

February had us kneeling,
heads bowed against the wind
hands clasped like orphaned children.

We’d almost forgotten what colour was
through the long monochrome winter.
Your eyes, the only reminder of beauty.

We’d kept our eyes down and counted
minute by long, stark minute,
reading shadows in the snowy field
waiting for spring’s warm mosaic.

F. Stuart

Please be gentle. I’m new.

[k-j]

bodkin - I didn't fully understand yours but liked it a lot. I think we all struggled a bit with "mosaic" - you handled the awkward "beautiful" very well though.

brian - don't know what to say about this. Is it about an art critic?

Ros - good use of "mosaic" - very good all round.

Kris - loved it.

Ray - ditto, great ending too.

Raine - first five lines are fine but I think it derails after that.

zoot - some pretty images, but it gets saccharine - but then your arse puts an end to that!

annie - I like it - might make a good opener - last line is bleh though.

feithline - hello and welcome, welcome and hi. I like it. I see you're in Ontario. This must be a poem about that "winter" thing you guys have.

Some poems do not seem to be first drafts, they read as though they've been worked on...

How much work before you call it a second draft? I worked on mine for about half an hour and it didn't all just come pouring out, was that too long?

[bodkin]

I tend to spurt these things out in 10 to 20 minutes...

...generally that means writing in one pass (with some backtracks etc) and then one quick scan of "self edit" to identify the weakest features and tweak them. In this case I reversed the strophe order to get the "best" line at the end.

But your mileage will vary. I think anything short of sleeping on it can be called a first draft, and I suppose you could even do that if the only reason for it was that you ran out of time on the first day...

[camus]

How much work before you call it a second draft? I worked on mine for about half an hour and it didn't all just come pouring out, was that too long?

Indeed, I'm not sure of the criteria. A first draft may be a simple list of ideas organised into some form. Depends how one works I guess.

[bodkin]

...glass
...surpassed .
...arse.

Sure you aren't on Monday's already?

Ian

[bodkin]

The February skies above
twinkled with diamond stars,
below in a white frosted field
minutes turned to hours,
a girl this winter night
was reading from a book,
balanced upon her knee
wrapped and bound in leather,
soft and warm in her hand, this
beautiful study of mosaic.

Well done getting all the words in.

I was wondering why her knee was wrapped and bound in leather...

but I realised she'd probably slipped over on the icy pavement.

Ian

[bodkin]

February had us kneeling,
heads bowed against the wind
hands clasped like orphaned children.

We’d almost forgotten what colour was
through the long monochrome winter.
Your eyes, the only reminder of beauty.

We’d kept our eyes down and counted
minute by long, stark minute,
reading shadows in the snowy field
waiting for spring’s warm mosaic.

F. Stuart

Please be gentle. I’m new.

Hi,

I like "long monochrome winter" and "reading shadows", perhaps could do with a snappier ending but the limits of the exercise sometimes constrain what you can do...

Ian

[brianedwards]

Some poems do not seem to be first drafts, they read as though they've been worked on...

cheers
Kris

Yes Kris, imagine my surprise and delight to discover I already had a villanelle-to-go containing all ten prompt words.
Enjoyed your effort very much I must say. Except the last line perhaps . . .

Regards my own effort, it might help readers not familiar with Japanese culture if I explain that mosaic has entered the Japanese language, albeit in a typically bastardised form (モザイク　－－－ mozaiku), and is defined as "the pixellated obscuring of images and video usually for the purposes of censorship".

F.Stuart --- are you stuartryder in disguise? Same avatar, partly the same name. . .
I also liked "monochrome winter". Not so keen on the orphaned children line.


B.

~

[rushme]

Bloody Ear

wood fire warm hands
february winter

seconds minutes hours
slip unnoticed

a book on the knee
reading

gazing at beautiful
mosaic fields

thinking of Van Gogh
the passing year

his bloody ear

[feithline]

F.Stuart --- are you stuartryder in disguise? Same avatar, partly the same name. . .
I also liked "monochrome winter". Not so keen on the orphaned children line.

Nope. I'm Feithline Stuart. I'll get a custom avatar up soon to avoid any confusion!

Orphaned children made me cringe, so I'm with you on that one.

[bodkin]

Regards my own effort, it might help readers not familiar with Japanese culture if I explain that mosaic has entered the Japanese language, albeit in a typically bastardised form (モザイク　－－－ mozaiku), and is defined as "the pixellated obscuring of images and video usually for the purposes of censorship".

Ah... this explains a great deal about where the poem came from...

interesting to know this.

Ian

[bodkin]

The source poem was On a Train by Wendy Cope...

[ray miller]

feithline I like how minute almost rhymes with mosaic.Think it would have been better without the repetition of eyes.

rushme think you need slip not slips. Highly original ending!

[rushme]

thanks ray! correction made!