Poetry Forum

Next Door

Flowers choke in a tentacled mass of what
was once a manicured and tidy thing.
A small petunia by the door remains
immaculate. A wheelchair sits empty.

Three days ago they came in uniforms
and masks. I watched them shuffle back and forth.
Some neighbours gathered in the street. A solemn
rain fell right on cue to pay respect.

I look out on my own yard, overgrown.
Tomatoes, planted with the best intent,
fall limply onto knee-high grass. All dies.
And death, in passing, always leaves a trace,
a door ajar through which I recognise
vestiges of a solitary demise.









~

Problem with these kinds of exercises, although I find them great for motivation, is that I tend not to crit them the same way as if they were posted in plain old Exp. I'll try though.

I think it works pretty well as a sonnet. Having the "ise" rhyme three times in the third part with no other rhyme prior feels a bit full-on though. But the content fits the form well.

Good ending.

Intransitive "choke" feels a tiny bit odd. I want to read it as the flowers choking something. "Manicured and tidy" - same thing more or less? Small petunia and wheelchair look great.

S2 is all good. To pay "respect" or "respects"? "Fall limply", can tomatoes fall another way? "All dies", great, all Larkin from here on. Enjoyed.

B., I love the investigative atmosphere of this--the tracks, the trace, the door ajar.

In the sestet, are I look and I recognise necessary? Is what's important about the yard the fact that you are looking at it? By way of contrast, the I watched in the octave is necessary because you are painting a picture of spectating.

And how about dropping the editorializing starting with all dies? (Touché!)

I enjoyed the read--thanks.

Jackie

Thanks guys.

k-j, the idea is that the flowers are choking in the tangled garden. Is that not clear? My grammar is shocking at times - good job I don't rely on a knowledge of it to keep a living! I'd hoped the scansion of those two lines reflected what was being described. Damn, I was patting myself on the back for those. You may be right with "respects" - I instinctively wrote it that way actually, but then changed it just before posting. Glad you liked the "All dies" and picked up on the Larkinesque tone. Not consciously intended, but I did hear it myself once it was written.

Jackie, the look and recognise are important, in that they are intended to suggest that what is seen is familiar to the speaker - he is alone and is seeing his own future "solitary demise." Similarly, "All dies" is absolutely essential, for me. Appreciate your input, always good to hear different viewpoints.

B.

Jackie wrote:And how about dropping the editorializing starting with all dies? (Touché!)

I tend to agree with Jackie here. I could maybe lose the Touché.

I enjoyed the opening details, and the progress of the thoughts, but the closing section didn't do much for me (although I do get the Larkin thing: that last line is very Bleaneyesque).

Cheers

David

Of the sonnets you've posted, I enjoyed this the most. Not keen on the line break 'on what'. Good use of short sentences. 'the vestiges' perhaps? rhythm sounds better to me? Like that last line but think I'm veering towards the dislike of the two lines above.

Ros

I really like the ending, Brian - the metaphor of the door ajar.

Nothing to add to what's been said except that, subjectively, I find that L1 is trying too hard to avoid using "obvious"
words like "weed" and "garden". "Tentacled mass" sounds contrived to my ear.
I honestly think a simpler description would be more in keeping with the rest of the poem. e.g
Flowers choke among the weeds of what..

Is it pay respect or pay respects ? Are they interchangeable? (Unsure myself)

Geoff