only for grown ups

[Dario]

Some things when they happen you don't know what you should call it. It's only much later, as a grown up that you come to think what it is and what others call it.
When I was about 9, I remember playin in the fields and this boy who was about the same age as me sayin that he's learnt a new game from someone, so I asked him what was it and he said if I want it know I'd have to take my shorts down. I said to him I ain't doin that!
Well then he said, if you don't then you won't find out what the game is. He said it might feel nice and that I might like it. Close your eyes he said. When I closed my eyes I felt him take my willy in his mouth. I moved away right away. ew! I said. Did you like it then he asked me. No I didn't I said and then I ran back home.

As a grown man I know now what he did and what we call that kinda thing. I know now that whoever teached him that must have molested him.

[cameron]

Hi dario,

I think this shows promise but I think you need to flesh out the scene more. For example, can you describe the setting more effectively? Remember to use descriptions which evoke the five senses. Also, I think you should put the direct speech inside speech marks e.g. "If you don't, you won't find out what the game is." he said.

The last line sheds light on the whole thing, but is what we call "tell" rather than "show" - which is generally not a good thing. However, if this is autobiography then you can get away with it.

Keep going.

Cam

[Dario]

oh you'r a sweet man
a man after my heart
thanks for your kind words

I'll try to post somethin soon
if am not called again for work

xxx

[ilookalikeadragon]

i liked it.... but i unno something about it could be fixed lol... that doesnt really help but i just can't put my tougne on it right now... but if i can find it ill post again