I agree that the verse you refer too - as indeed are 1 or 2 others - cringeworthy...
Some verses will be rewritten - after I get down the whole shebang as a first effort/fraft...
As long as I get the historical context right, I can then work on the poetic side of it a bit more...
My worry is that it will read well as an historic synopsis and fail as a poem - and that is the last thing I want to happen....on the contrary...
