Tracy and Tommo turn up at Alicante airport after a weekend away in Benidorm. They have been on a fag run, and both were struggling with their huge suitcases. They knew that they could pack 60 cartons in each case, which would keep them just under the baggage allowance. They had only taken one tee shirt each, and a change of underwear, so there was no risk of paying excess baggage.
Tommo did'nt know it, but Tracy had promised to bring back a bottle of vodka for her eldest daughter, Kylie-Chantelle. When she went to buy it, it was on offer. Three for the price of two. She could'nt resist, and bought the three bottles. She was planning on selling the other two to her mate Shaz. That way, she got Kylie-Chantelle's for nothing. She could still charge her mate, and make a profit.
Tommo confidently threw the cases onto the scales, giving Tracy a wink and and smirk, and stood back. Watching the machine finally settle on a reading of 43.5 kilo. The smirk slid off Tommo's face, as the girl behind the desk announced "You're over your allowance. Pay for the excess baggage, or take something out of your case.".
Tommo was sweating. They had no money. They had spent their last euro's on a burger King.
"Are these scales right love. I have'nt any more in my case than what I came with, and it did'nt weigh that much on the way ere?"
Tommo spluttered nervously. Knowing that he could'nt open his case, cos it was full of fag's.
The queue behind him were growing impatient. It had been a long day. The flight had been delayed two hours, and everyone was tired just wanted to get home.
"Pay up mate, and lets get outta ere". The man behind grumbled.
"I dont av it", Tommo squirmed.
"Then you'll have to remove something out off your case", the girl behind the desk trilled., signalling over to a customs officer.
Tommo and Tracy were led into an office by customs, and asked to open their cases.
Tracy knew it was the three bottles of vodka that had sent them over their limit.
She just stood their while Tommo opened their cases, and wet her pants
Up in smoke
HI Pauline,
I think you have a good story in the making here. However, I think you do a lot of 'telling' and not enough 'showing' and the characters could do with a bit more fleshing out. You give good descriptions on occasions, so perhaps you could do more of that?
Tommo confidently threw the cases onto the scales, giving Tracy a wink and and smirk, and stood back. Watching the machine finally settle on a reading of 43.5 kilo. The smirk slid off Tommo's face, as the girl behind the desk announced "You're over your allowance. Pay for the excess baggage, or take something out of your case.".
I would avoid using regional dialects in your dialogue, it reads a bit forced and hardly ever sounds authentic. At least that's what I've been told.
It would be nice if we as readers got to feel the fear rather than be told of it, as that would help us to identify with the characters more and create a sense of tension. It kind of reads a bit like a postcard home, information rather than story telling as such. I think that there is scope for a really interesting story about how it feels to be hauled off into a customs office when you haven't really done anything too terrible.
Hope some of what I've said helps.
Kimibob
I think you have a good story in the making here. However, I think you do a lot of 'telling' and not enough 'showing' and the characters could do with a bit more fleshing out. You give good descriptions on occasions, so perhaps you could do more of that?
Tommo confidently threw the cases onto the scales, giving Tracy a wink and and smirk, and stood back. Watching the machine finally settle on a reading of 43.5 kilo. The smirk slid off Tommo's face, as the girl behind the desk announced "You're over your allowance. Pay for the excess baggage, or take something out of your case.".
I would avoid using regional dialects in your dialogue, it reads a bit forced and hardly ever sounds authentic. At least that's what I've been told.
It would be nice if we as readers got to feel the fear rather than be told of it, as that would help us to identify with the characters more and create a sense of tension. It kind of reads a bit like a postcard home, information rather than story telling as such. I think that there is scope for a really interesting story about how it feels to be hauled off into a customs office when you haven't really done anything too terrible.
Hope some of what I've said helps.
Kimibob
Hi kimibob. To be honest, I have never wrote a story before. This was just a bit of fun for me, and I thought I'd throw it out there to see what reaction it got. Your right, it does come across as a postcard home lol. I was just setting a scene. I might have a go at writing a short story, and will take your advice on board.
Thanks for taking the time to review my piece.
Thanks for taking the time to review my piece.