The Small-scale Henry Collider - A three minute mini-play

[Raine]

OPENING SCENE (and indeed the only scene): STEVE’S NAN’S CELLAR
SOMEWHERE IN ILFRACOMBE.


RYAN (an open university science student) AND HIS FRIEND STEVE ARE SETTING UP A SHOE STRING EXPERIMENT IN STEVE’S NAN’S CELLAR USING TWO HENRY VACCUM CLEANERS (reverse wired); SOME ALKATHENE PIPE; A SIEVE AND A POP SOCK.


STEVE:
So what’s the plan then? What we doing?

RYAN:
We’re making history Steve; quick grab a Henry and pull it over here. I need them to be about nine feet apart. I’ve put a chalk mark on the floor can you see it?

STEVE:
Yeah I see it ... Like this?

RYAN:
Nah, other way around.

STEVE:
OK now?

RYAN:
Yeah, sound. Now take the head off and stick the hose up that length of Alkathene pipe, there on the floor just to your right. Tape it up tight with the duct-tape, make sure it’s air tight yeah.

STEVE:
Yeah no problem. What was it you said we were doing?

RYAN:
We’re about to create our very own Higgs Boson and we’re gonna have to snap to it if we don’t want to be pipped to the post by the science boffins in Switzerland.

STEVE:
Are you sure we’ve got enough stuff. It looks a bit basic to me.



RYAN:
Of course it’s basic; that’s the beauty of it. Some of science’s greatest discoveries have been made on a shoe string budget. Look at the gravity theory, the only things at Newton’s disposal were an apple; a tree and the ground but did he let that stop him? No! Of course he didn’t. Now stop being negative and pass me that Tupperware box.

STEVE:
What’s in the box?

RYAN:
Particles.

STEVE:
Looks like dust.

RYAN:
Yeah ... dust particles. It doesn’t matter what particles the important bit is the speed with which they collide so stop making dumb comments and pour half of the dust into the main chamber of your Henry then pass the rest over here so I can do mine.

STEVE:
Ryan?

RYAN:
What?

STEVE:
I was just thinking; if these science blokes in Switzerland as so smart how come they haven’t made a Higgs Boson already?

RYAN:
Because their equipment is overly complicated; it keeps breaking down. Like I said simplicity is the key here ... that’s why we’re on to a winner. Less stuff = less stuff to go wrong.

STEVE:
And what about all the stuff they said on the news, stuff about black holes and the God particle and something about Higgs Bosons being so abhorrent to nature that they’ve travelled back from the future to deliberately sabotage the L.H.C in order to prevent their own creation.

RYAN:
Look Steve, why don’t you stop pretending to understand what you just said and do something useful instead. Go see if you can pull the pop sock over the end of that sieve without laddering it.



STEVE:
Why ?

RYAN:
To catch the particle. Once we’ve made it we need to find a way of stopping it. I’m not sure exactly what size a Higgs Boson is; apparently it’s quite difficult to measure a hypothetical item. I’m guessing it’s gonna be fairly small.
I can’t see it getting through the sieve and the pop sock though. Can you?

STEVE:
Is this my Nan’s pop sock?
She’ll be pissed when she finds out.

RYAN:
Yeah, yeah, don’t worry about that now; we’re ready to go. On the count of three switch your Henry on ok.
One
Two
Three ...



BOTH VACCUM CLEANERS START BLOWING
DUST PARTICULES TOWARD A
PREDETERMINED COLLISION POINT AND AT
THE PRECISE MOMENT OF IMPACT
A LOUD NOISE FROM THE TOP OF THE
CELLAR STAIRCASE STARTLES STEVE AND
RYAN INTO SILENCE
A GREY BEARDED FIGURE APPEARS IN THE
DOORWAY AND IT’S DEFINITELY NOT GOD!

- IT’S STEVE’S NAN!


NAN:
What are you boys up to down here, messing up my things? I need that Henry, it’s Friday afternoon; you know I always clean the bedrooms on a Friday afternoon. And what have you got there? Is that my pop sock? Why in the name of God are you trying to stretch it over a sieve? You boys will be the death of me. Give that here!


STEVE PASSES THE POP SOCK TO HIS NAN
AND LOOKS HORRIFIED WHEN SHE UTTERS
WHAT WILL SOON PROVE TO BE HER FINAL
WORDS.



NAN:
Steve, there’s a hole in this pop sock!



STEVE AND RYAN CAN ONLY LOOK ON AS
NAN IS SUCKED UNCERIMONIOUSLY
THROUGH THE BLACK -EDGED HOLE IN HER
AMERICAN TAN, HALF STOCKING.


RYAN:
Shocking !!!

STEVE:
No Steve, it was her sto...


THWUPP ...



The End

[David]

Got a bit of a Tony and Sid vibe going on here, Raine. Tony and Sid as slackers, of course. Nice.

Cheers

David

[Arian]

A pal of mine works on plasma containment field theory at CERN. I’m going to email him that they can cut their $47 zillion budget to £197.48 – the cost of two Henrys from Currys.

cheers
peter

[Raine]

Yeah go on! email him, that'd be funny

Thank you both, for reading and commenting.

[David]

I was reading an article about the Hadron Collider recently, and the concept of symmetry. Gremlins and elves. Amazing.