Poetry Forum

---- Josephine held the key overhead like a priest at communion and watched it buzz and twinkle like a supernova. Then she let it fall. It crashed, twisted and locked in the console. The act was done; the Christians had their second-coming and the people their Christmas special.
‘The End initiated,’ the blinking mainframe spluttered, following soon with the tragic beginning: ‘count down commenced.’
‘TEN.’
‘Hug me Marius, we’ve done it.’
‘It’s such a relief, isn’t it Josephine!’
‘We did the right thing for them,” she said. Her eyes protruded like sewage seeping from a drain cover; “We’ve been waiting so long for this moment. The ultimate money shot.’
‘NINE.’
They were too busy to notice the caretaker bundle in. He was fumbling with his archaic keys; ‘Oh kids, what have you done?!’
‘EIGHT.’
At least now they saw him. ‘What is this pathetic insolence?’ Marius spat, still retaining his bereaved and moribund smile. Attacking a man whose tear ducts clogged with cancerous tissue was not yet his intention.
‘SEVEN.’
‘You weren’t supposed to touch the controls. Now look at what you’ve done!’ the caretaker cried as he limped to the console. ‘Not just yet anyway,” he said whilst attempting to pull out the key from its socket. But his brittle fingers merely imitated the boneless keys and snapped. ‘Oh’ he exclaimed, watching the fingers droop.
The two ignored the farce that commenced, with the old man desperately attempting to pry out the key with a thin coil he had managed to negotiate into a labyrinthine twist. He could not hold it with his limp hands so he braced it between his teeth and prodded.
‘SIX.’
‘It’s finally happening. They’ll all sink in their Golgotha!’ Josephine screamed, as she pointed to the console where the man struggled.
‘FIVE.’
‘Three years of war and now finally we—’
‘Josephine,’ Marius interrupted. ‘I’ve just realised something—’
‘FOUR.’
‘What?’
‘Your top is stunning.’
‘Thank you!’ She seemed genuinely happy.
‘THREE.’
‘It goes really well with your brown jeans.’
‘That’s why I chose them,’ she said, as she turned to display more fully her tight, strangulating jeans. Small dimples of oxygen starved skin formed a lapel above the cut of her waist, she was blushing; ‘subtle but noticeable, don’t you think?’
‘TWO.’
‘I know what you mean! Where did you buy them?’
‘Oh, just at Toppen Shopper. That place opposite Beth Lee’s. You know, next to Hemsbury. They’re the only place open for late-night shopping, and so I—Oh!’ Josephine turned pale as though she had realised it was the end of time. Sort of like the face she made when she when forgetting the feed the cats.
‘ONE.’
‘What?’
The pallid, brutal pot-holes of Josephine’s face were coloured in a profane white as her lips cracked and dried like dying sharp leaves under the flail of the desert sun; ‘It wasn’t meant to be like this! I wish I hadn’t!’
‘Hadn’t what?’
‘I… I…’ she gathered a shocked and trampled breath. ‘I forgot to take back that scarf and now the receipt has expired!’
‘ZERO.’

Good stuff Wabz. The sense of urgency and also the lack there of, is nicely addressed. It kept my interest strong, with a curiosity about the ending - funny. A few words, or maybe groupings of words required a little bit of work, but overall a cool concept, and an enjoyable read. Do you like wasabi?

take it easy,

marten

Thanks for the comments!

Wasabi? That hot sauce you often find with sushi? No, I can't say I do!

Wasabi? - A buzzing thing that makes syrup.

Very funny!

And mostly well-written, apart form a couple of places. This sentence is a bit hard to follow:

"He retained his bereaved, moribund smile though, for attacking a man whose own tear ducts clogged with cancerous tissue (and not the absorbing type he had come to associate with) was not his intention for this moment. "

I think it's just too complicated. Maybe you could chop it in half or something.

The same goes for this bit:

"“Not just yet anyway”, and attempted to pull out the key from its socket; but his brittle fingers merely imitated his boneless keys and snapped. The two could ignore the farce that commenced, where the man desperately attempted to pry out the defiant key with a thin coil he’d managed to negotiate into a labyrinthine twist and held between his teeth. "

The best bits are from "FOUR" onwards, I think. The stuff about the top and the scarf is hilarious. I love the comparison of Josephine realising the world is ending with Josephine realising she forgot to feed the cats. And this sentence, "Josephine’s face coloured in a profane white as her lips cracked and dried as dying, sharp leaves do under the flail of the desert sun; “It wasn’t meant to be like this! I wish I hadn’t!”", is brilliant.

So mostly, I think it's great.

Thanks very much for the criticism mate.
I've taken it all on board and have changed the thing pretty significantly. A lot more things make sense (there's ambiguity and then there's confusion) and cleared up some others.
If interested check out the newly edited thing.

The opening intrigued me immediately and I enjoyed the countdown before I began to think about it. The timing given, your characters are actually speaking between the seconds seemed a bit incredulous, but then again I thought so what and licence etc. I thoroughly enjoyed this short, burst with the starkly contrasted hilarious segment and definite end.