I've been working hard on a story, the length of which is still undetermined. I haven't pushed prose for some time now, and I often find myself flailing about, running nowhere, everywhere, lost. Anyway, I've since found my footing, or at least I think I have. See? Shaky. So what I'm going to do is post an excerpt of the opening I originally penned but that has since been entirely scrapped. Extemperaneous, yet with the nuts and bolts of the overall narrative clear in mind, it came out juvenile and too savvy. Another problem was that it painted the narrator and the tone in exactly the wrong color. Basically, the "story" was controlling me whereas it should be the other way around. I've since gotten back on track and the side of the character's personality that dominated what you'll be reading in a minute has been restricted to easter egg type insertions, which is the way I want it. And what I want from you, whoever might take the time to respond, is to let me know if my off the cuff, original and consequently scrapped opening contained anything at all that might push you to read further. Bear in mind now that I got rid of it entirely. But elements still remain.
Feel free to say whatever you wish, even if it's to admonish my above disclaimer. If nothing else we might get this here prose section up and running again. Seems at one time it was a thriving place.
Excerpt:
I’ll forever find it funny that grown men, families in tow, can walk into a church and pay more attention to the woman in front of them than they can to the God they’re presumably there to worship. I’ve always seen this as a tug of war between two bodies - that of the woman being secretly undressed and bent over the pew, and that of the guy nailed into the huge cross dangling over the altar, tortured and crucified off the mortal coil so you, Mr. knitted sweater wearing father of three (loving husband and all that) have a shot at Heaven, the most sought after retirement community in the universe.
[tab][/tab]Who wins, the chick or the Creator? And what’s more important, an imagined piece of tail or avoiding the fiery pits of Hell for all eternity? Wrestling with the latter he usually tries his best to soak up the priest’s sermon but finds himself unable to quit staring a little too long at the object of his erection the minute she makes even the slightest move. Between phrases like In the Gospel today… and …after Mass, spend just a few moments reflecting on those words, an inner war is being waged. I keep score as he is tugged one way, then the other. In the silence that follows the priest to his seat, having just left the pulpit, I declare a winner. Okay fair enough, she’s hot. But you’re still a hypocrite.
[tab][/tab]They’re all the same, these guys. Sure, young (sometimes old) single men go to church to pick up women. It happens. It’s proven. I’ve seen it. But they don’t subscribe to the Good News so much as the commandment to go forth and multiply, sans the multiplication. And I don’t blame them for that. I can’t. Being what they are I see no irony in it. But this other crowd, these card carrying beacons of Christian ideals and those family values you always hear about, well they’re just irony at its best. Models of lay person piety I call them, pillars of the parish who donate the most, volunteer the most, serve the most. Without them our church would have to lock its doors, be nothing more than a relic of a God fearing and vibrant past. They keep it open, yes, but what they don’t do is keep their minds on the Man upstairs after they drag themselves and their families into Mass. Beating back that pesky Devil by living up to the very reasons they give their children for getting out of bed early on a Sunday morning doesn’t seem to be as important as giving missy over there a good dart. And I find that funny.
(insert title here)
SS,
Right, I'm having some difficulty with the voice here. My problem is that I don't know what the narrator is establshed as, and it seems the style of this monologue fluctuates.
Its occasional brevity and idiom work well. But there are times when it seems there is a tension between author and character. These turn up when the sentences become longer. Take this
Beating back that pesky Devil by living up to the very reasons they give their children for getting out of bed early on a Sunday morning doesn’t seem to be as important as giving missy over there a good dart
I think that for an inner dialogue it's simply too long. I find it difficult to imagine someone lucidly thinking that in one long go. There are sometimes too many sub-clauses and asides that would work in an essay, in a diary entry, in something consciously written down, but here they only make me see an awkward divide between author and narrator. IT seems you are somewhat torn between making this a genuine representation, and filling in your own occasional stuff under the guise of the narrator.
I think if you can sort out those parts, this will be very good.
Dave
Right, I'm having some difficulty with the voice here. My problem is that I don't know what the narrator is establshed as, and it seems the style of this monologue fluctuates.
Its occasional brevity and idiom work well. But there are times when it seems there is a tension between author and character. These turn up when the sentences become longer. Take this
Beating back that pesky Devil by living up to the very reasons they give their children for getting out of bed early on a Sunday morning doesn’t seem to be as important as giving missy over there a good dart
I think that for an inner dialogue it's simply too long. I find it difficult to imagine someone lucidly thinking that in one long go. There are sometimes too many sub-clauses and asides that would work in an essay, in a diary entry, in something consciously written down, but here they only make me see an awkward divide between author and narrator. IT seems you are somewhat torn between making this a genuine representation, and filling in your own occasional stuff under the guise of the narrator.
I think if you can sort out those parts, this will be very good.
Dave
I would read on. Definitely. But I would already have chalked up a few negatives in my mind about the author. And because time is scarce, I would read on expecting that somewhere along the line, on up ahead, I would stop reading. I have to trust an author, if I'm going to let him into my head for any extended period of time. I don't have that time to waste.Select Samaritan wrote:And what I want from you, whoever might take the time to respond, is to let me know if my off the cuff, original and consequently scrapped opening contained anything at all that might push you to read further. Bear in mind now that I got rid of it entirely. But elements still remain.
Mind you, there'd be a few hopeful positives too.
In the best tradition of men and their lists:
Negatives
crucified off the mortal coil - lazy Shakespearean borrowing (in your first paragraph! For shame!) but phrased in a way that I'm not even sure is grammatical.
you, Mr. knitted sweater wearing father of three (loving husband and all that) - firstly, that "you" made me jump. Of course, that could be a good thing. However, the characterisation is a bit cliched, especially the knitted sweater (and if you must use a composite adjective comprising "knitted", "sweater" and "wearing", you're entering a world of pain and hyphens from which you may never emerge as sane as you went in).
sans - oh no. Apart from anything else, it's Shakey again. If I am reading your story, I am assuming you've read Shakespeare. I don't need to see your credentials (although I do need to get the distinct impression that you've got them).
but what they don’t do is keep their minds on the Man upstairs after they drag themselves and their families into Mass - partly what Dave said, but also it's confusing - into Mass? Or out of Mass? I think you're talking about the part of their lives when they're not actually attending Mass, but it doesn't come out that clearly.
Positives
Heaven, the most sought after retirement community in the universe - I like that.
Who wins, the chick or the Creator? That too, although you might be better off with the Christ, as that's the godly guise you've just been contemplating.
the object of his erection - a witty riff on the object of his affection, But it's a neat phrase that might be better saved for dialogue with a cynical knowing friend, rather than reserved for the narrator. This is a very narrator-heavy opening; this is your world and you're very much in charge of it. Does that remind you of Anyone?
And I find that funny - cunning link back to the opening.
And I make that a 4-4 draw between positives and negatives. That might be about right.
Make what you can out of that, Travis. Tis a small thing but my own.
Cheers
David
Thank you both for your very insightful and pertinent crits.
Dave,
Once again, you called it. This reads more like a blog entry than the beginning of a real narrative and would work better as such. Also, you saw right through things to where you can pick out Travis in the guise of the character. Your points are taken and being applied.
David,
You're absoutely right. Time being such a precious commodity one has to trust an author to deliver a good enough product to making time spent reading it actually worth it. This has since been approached with more confidence and consequently, more craftsmanship. I don't know about you or anyone else, but the more confident I am the better the product becomes.
The gist of your negatives has been duly noted sir. Same goes for all pointers in between.
Again, thanks a lot guys. Hopefully you two will drop in when I post a more completed and slightly larger version.
Dave,
Once again, you called it. This reads more like a blog entry than the beginning of a real narrative and would work better as such. Also, you saw right through things to where you can pick out Travis in the guise of the character. Your points are taken and being applied.
David,
You're absoutely right. Time being such a precious commodity one has to trust an author to deliver a good enough product to making time spent reading it actually worth it. This has since been approached with more confidence and consequently, more craftsmanship. I don't know about you or anyone else, but the more confident I am the better the product becomes.
The gist of your negatives has been duly noted sir. Same goes for all pointers in between.
Again, thanks a lot guys. Hopefully you two will drop in when I post a more completed and slightly larger version.
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camus
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Good tip!single men go to church to pick up women
To be honest I found it more of a rant, definitely no starter for 10 or perhaps even 3. Way too overblown, if there is a hint at characterisation it is that the narrator is a self opinionated boring arse, why would one read on?
Yes, the underlying theme (the hypocrisy of religion?) is an interesting one to expand upon, but fuck it's one that's been destroying the world for centuries, are you philosophically equipped for that battle?
Be interested to see your revision.
cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
Yes, well obviously you just can't appreciate my genius...
No, I agree with everything you said. It's mostly crap (my excerpt, not your crit), which is why I scrapped it and started writing an actual story with actual story props as opposed to just a blog entry.
Merci buckets for lending me your time, sir. You're now obliged to throw in on my revised version, coming soon to a forum near you. Well, this one anyway.
No, I agree with everything you said. It's mostly crap (my excerpt, not your crit), which is why I scrapped it and started writing an actual story with actual story props as opposed to just a blog entry.
Merci buckets for lending me your time, sir. You're now obliged to throw in on my revised version, coming soon to a forum near you. Well, this one anyway.