a sweet little tale- naughty in bits!

[wildmountainthyme]

A SWEET LITTLE TALE.

I had arranged to meet my best friend Willie for tea on Wednesday night.
I had not seen him for quite some time, work and various other nuisance activities taking up most of my time, relatives staying with me being the biggest nuisance of all.
I had heard from young Tosser, a mutual friend of Willie and myself that Willie had lost over three stones in weight on some new fangled diet thingummy that was sweeping our fat country.
I was somewhat shocked; in fact even annoyed to hear that something so wonderful could happen to someone so close to me. Right there and then I decided that, like any good caring friend, I would do all that I could to get Willie back on the straight and, not too narrow.
So on that Monday night, sitting happily with my small cognac next to a warm fire, I planned my ’ Shock and Awe’ tactics on Willie’s sadly getting thinner resolve. Soon my eyelids became heavy and I entered the land of nod.
Next morning I visited Mr. Peebles grocery shop, I asked him how his good wife was, still breathing was his disappointed reply.
I bought all that I needed, flour, plain and self-raising, eggs, small medium and extra large, butter, syrup, almonds, walnuts, cherries and chocolate and various other little cooky delights. I then popped into the little bookshop on the corner, a grubby little place from the outside and an even grubbier little place on the inside, thankfully though it does sell a fantastic selection of second hand, that doesn’t come over too well does it? Adult magazines.
I particularly enjoy the camera angles and the delicate use of lighting effects in’ Shaven Havens’. After browsing through the pages of a copy of’ Readers Wives’ [once I had managed to separate some of the more stickier pages] I had a quick flick through ‘Over 50’s’, ‘Under 50’s’, ‘Hairy Arsed Women,’’ Big Jugs’, ‘Little Jugs,’’ Fanny Lickers, Fanny Lickers 2,Fanny Lickers 3 and Fanny Lickers 5’. I know what you’re thinking, I too was curious as to the whereabouts of issue no 4 and so I marched up to the assistant, Cocksucker Sue and demanded to know no 4’s fate.
It turned out that issue no 4 of ‘Fanny Lickers’ and a copy of the video’ Big Hairy Arsed Women Over 50’ had apparently been snatched, by a Big Hairy Arsed man ‘round about 48’ish.
I purchased an almost mint condition copy of' ' Titty-Titty Bang Bang ', three’ Peoples Friends ‘and a simply delicious little book entitled ' Its Fun To Bake’ by Gwen Merchant.
I rushed home knowing full well that I had a very, very busy night ahead.
You see I knew that Willie, like me, has a somewhat huge sweet tooth. He, like me, could not simply open a packet of custard creams, eat one and leave the rest, no, no, no!
Who in this world can really just take one? Nelson Mandela? No way. Robert De Niro? See, no one.
So that night, I beat, I tossed and I whipped, then I decided I’d better get some baking done. I opened the book,’ Its Fun…you remember, I read about flour, Be-Ro Plain, Dreadnought Plain, Country Life [green label] and Weetabix Perfect plain, I could feel the Fanny in me coming out, dear old Fanny Craddock, a real super trooper.
I read about Frenlite Plain and Super Sifted Plain and I wanted to bake, to bake like I had never baked before, wild and free like Gordon and Jamie and Nigella! Tonight I was going to rattle some pots and pans.

Page 56. Housekeepers Cake.
[Sufficient for 1 small loaf tin]

This will be the first delicious recipe taken from ‘It’s fun to blah, blah.
This is really more of a tea-bread than a cake. It is meant to be served sliced and buttered. Although the cake is very economical it keeps well and is at its best 2 or 3 days after baking. Do not skimp on the spice! Willie won’t know what’s hit him when he sinks his plump teeth into this cheeky tea-bread.

8 oz plain flour
½ level teaspoon salt
1 level teaspoon mixed spice [no skimping]
4 oz lard or clarified dripping
4 oz soft brown sugar
6 oz mixed dry fruit
1 oz chopped candied peel
1 egg
1 level teaspoon bicarbonate of soda [mixed with 2 tablespoons of milk]
Milk to mix as required.

Sift the flour, salt and spice into a bowl. Beat down the fat and rub into the flour until fine. Stir in the sugar, fruit and peel. Beat up the egg and mix thoroughly with the bicarbonate of soda and the 2 tablespoons of milk. Pour into the cake mixture and fold in using a nylon spatula or the edge of a metal tablespoon to cut through the mixture. Avoid beating. If necessary add a little more milk to produce a medium dropping consistency. Spread in a greased small loaf tin. Bake in the centre of a moderate oven 360/370’F, or
{185 ‘C}. GAS MARK 4/5 for the first 30 mins. Reduce to 340/350’F or {170/175’C}
Or GAS MARK 3 for the rest of the cooking time. 1 to 1 ½ hours in all. Test with a skewer and cool on a rack.
And that’s exactly what I did. I was off on my baking journey. Gingerbread followed, next a selection of small fancies, when something was baking in the oven I would quickly move on to a new and wonderful tasty treat.
Brandy Snaps, Florentines, Nutty Bar Cookies, Truffles, Doughnuts, Swiss Tarts, Yum Yums, Empire Biscuits, Macaroons, Vanilla Slices and Chocolate and Coffee Cakes, not to mention apple and strawberry and lemon and apricot tarts.
All night I slaved over a hot stove but as the sun came up I looked upon the table before me and I realized I had achieved my culinary goal.
I tidied up the kitchen and went upstairs. I ran a bath; I slipped into the relaxing water and closed my weary eyes knowing that Willie would be here soon. I smiled smugly to myself.

Six P.M Doorbell.

He’s here. I opened the door and greeted Willie.

Why Willie, you look absolutely wonderful,
Willie smiled and followed me through to the lounge,
Sit down old chap, take a pew,

Willie looked at me in all his thinnery, smiling, waiting, his fat face now thin, his fat hands and fingers now thin, his arms and legs, once beautifully fat were now hideously distorted and thin.
I tried to raise a big fat smile but alas I could only manage a painfully thin sneer.
I brought out the Housekeepers cake. Willie looked at the cake and smiled. I cut a large wedge for him. I handed it to him. Willie shook his head and smiled,

Not for me old bean,

What? Was I hearing properly? Willie refusing sweetness! Oh my, oh my, my!

Come on Wills, just a little corner?
Again he refused; I went through to the kitchen in a state of shock, ah! The Brandy Snaps, but again Willie smiled and refused; he would try nothing, he could not be tempted, disaster!

Nothing for me old biscuit, I’m watching the waistline these days,

But a little corner won’t do you any harm Will,

No, no, must keep off the goodies, the missus likes the new slender Willie, but listen old cock, you dig right in, you look as though you could do with putting on a few pounds,

Do you really think so?

Definitely! I say you’re looking positively deficient in the calories department, infact old man you look as though you could use a tonic of some kind, are you unwell? Working a little too hard recently?

Well, now that you mention it Willie I do feel a little bit peaky, and I have been awfully busy these last few days, and I think that I have missed the odd meal here and there,
And you know what? Suddenly I did feel weak, I felt the very lifeblood drain from my
exhausted frame,

Try a slice of this, said Willie offering me the Housekeepers cake,

Oh Willie you are such a good friend, I wearily replied tucking into the cake, Willie smiled and after I’d finished that slice, he cut me another,

That’s the game old fellow; you eat it all up,
I ate the cake, all of the cake! Then Willie convinced me that I simply had to finish the Brandy Snaps, and I did, I was feeling quite full now, Willie disappeared into the kitchen, I heard a whoop of joy as he discovered the rest of my kitchen stash.
My heart sank as he returned laughing with a tray full of various tarts, Yum Yums, Empire Biscuits and Doughnuts,

Someone’s been busy in the old kitchen department I see, he said laying the tray down in front of me, I tried to smile but I didn’t have the stomach,

Now, you get stuck into that lot, we’ll soon have you back up to your old fighting weight!

I felt sick, I had somehow managed to eat everything I’d made the night before, Willie swore that I had never looked fitter and healthier and happier that I did at that very moment, I smiled at Willie and promptly threw up all over the lounge carpet before falling off my chair.
Willie dragged me by the ankles through to the living room. He went next door and with the aid of Pamela, the portly teenage daughter of my neighbours the Blyths, managed to somehow lift me onto the sofa. I felt terrible.

You’ll be all right old chap, I‘ve called for the doctor, he’ll be here very soon, you just lie back and take it easy.

Willie left with a curious smile on his face, and as I lay groaning on the sofa and waited for the doctor I couldn’t help but feel that something had gone frightfully wrong with my plan.

Next week I’ll tell you about the time Willie gave up the weed and like any good true friend I tried everything in my power to get him back on the ‘baccy.
I now smoke sixty a-day!

THE END.

[Pauline]

Dan this is sooooo funny.
I've been sifting through the prose section purposely picking out your little tales, as I know I will be guaranteed a good old belly laugh.
You have such a dry wit, and I never fail to laugh out loud at your antics.
I am definitely your no1 fan.
lol
Thanks for the laughs.
PS
I love the story of the green fingered lady in the flats too.
"I can see that her mouth contains two teeth, both in the top, yellow and black like she’d swallowed a couple of tired bees."
Hilarious.

[wildmountainthyme]

hi pauline,
i thought his little tale had been buried deep in the post some prose knackers yard? you've done well young master to dig it up. thank you pauline you're very encouraging. you seem to have gone a bit quiet on the posting front? i'm looking forward to reading more of your nonsense when you post it up.
as always,
your no 1 fan.
dan

[Pauline]

Hey Dan,
The smile is returning to my face.
I shall try to come up with a little tale to amuse you very shortly.
You are also very quiet at the moment.
I miss your little stories.
Your no1 fan,
Pauline.

[wildmountainthyme]

hi pauline,
glad to see you posting again, it's a happier world when the young master is doing her stuff. good poem.
your no 1 dan.

[satyr]

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this tale. The humour is obvious but never over-stated and the story deserves to be printed.

It did seem to me that if you do decide to send it off to a magazine you might either have a friend read it and offer suggestions on punctuation or just go through it carefully yourself. There are a few places where a semi-colon or a colon should have been used instead of a comma and, I think, there was one place where a capital letter was used when it wasn't necessary.

[wildmountainthyme]

hi satyr,
thanks for reading it and replying, my big fat fingers couldn't quite isolate the spell-check.
cheers
dan

[Pauline]

Hey Dan,
I'm loving the fact that someone else is readng your stuff and enjoying it as much as I do.
Yeeha.
About bleeding time.
Hope more follow.
You beauty.
Lol
As always your
no 1
Pauline.

[satyr]

Jeeze, Pauline you sound like you might be an Aussie in your comment there:).
If so, whereabouts are you from?
Richard.

[Pauline]

Hi Richard.
Sorry to disappoint you but I don't hail from Oz.
I wish.
I come from a hole in the ground called Middlesbrough, England.
It's not quite as picturesque as Australia.
Mind you, we do have some beautiful gas towers (which I often admire) on the approach into town, and a stunning blue transporter bridge which lights up on an evening.
So it's not all bad, lol.
Where abouts in Australia are you from?

[satyr]

I'm dual nationality but have family in W. A., N. S. W. and Qld. I was actually born in North London and grew up in the fine socialist republic of Hampstead Garden Suburb. All I can say in my defence is that I did grow up with most of the children of the Labour Party leaders, such as Douglas Jay, Wilson and Gordon-Walker. I seem to remember that Manny Shinwell was around too but I didn't know his kids, if he had any.

I lived in Sydney, the Snowy Mountains and the Mudgee/Gulgong area for some years, if the names mean anything to you:). Perhaps we have taken over this thread for too long now:).