Rhiwargor

[calico]

Wallpaper on wallpaper in the hallway,
in the house with rooms full of baskets,
crochet hooks and holes, moths,
pots of chalky zinc and pink
calamine lotion, from a holiday
somewhere hot,
in 1981.

Severn Trent trees smoked in the hearth,
warming water for freezing baths
and in winter nothing lit up the road,
no-one came through the fields.
The sky changed from grey to black,
the lake was long
and dark.

I think of this when I drink wine sometimes,
figures around the kitchen fire,
puppets in folk costume cooking
bananas in embers:
Viking Burial, we said.

[Nash]

Hello Calico,

Another wonderful piece. Sort of a companion to 'A Hotel'? You really do these dreamlike reminiscences very well. I especially like S1, it's amazing to me how it is essentially a list but your of use alliteration, assonance and rhyme have taken away its' 'listiness' (hope that makes sense!).

The only slightest change I would suggest would be to have a line break after 'Burial', separating the last line in to two, just a visual thing.

[calico]

Thankyou Nash, yeah, bit more involved than Hotel, as I lived there for 10 years before developing urban detachment. Thanks for your comments - you're right about the last line I think. megan.

[ray miller]

Nice writing, Megan. I liked "in winter nothing lit up the road"very much.And chalky zinc and pink calamine lotion. Severn Trent trees?

[Arian]

Yes, another relaxed and evocative piece.

I particularly like the rhythm created by the metre and rhyme in L1/2 of s2. For me, the piece would be even better if you emulated it in s1/3.

Good stuff, though
peter

[calico]

Severn Trent trees:

http://www.moretoexperience.co.uk/serve ... w=nav.6112

They owned/managed everything around there, our landlords. It was very feudal. We stole their logs.

[calico]

Peter, thankyou for commenting about the meter/rhyme in S3, one version is:
...............etc
lake was long
and dark

up at Rhiwargor,
figures kindling the kitchen fire,
a theatre of folk-costumed puppets
cooking bananas in embers:
Viking Burial
our gestures said.

[Arian]

I think that's an elegant solution for s3, Megan. If you can bring s1 in line with the other two, then - for me - you've pretty much nailed it.
Cheers
peter

[rushme]

enjoyed the picture this paints calico!

[clarabow]

Calico, yes I too like the idea of this forming a series or sequence to the hotel poem; just some ideas to ignore or consider - (delete) and add the odd s.

Wallpaper on wallpaper in the hallway;
(in) the house with rooms full of baskets,
crochet hooks and holes, moths,
pots of chalky zinc and pink
calamine lotion, from a holiday
somewhere hot,
(in 1981.)

Severn Trent trees smoked in the hearth,
warming waterS for freezing baths
and in winter nothing lit up the road,
no-one came through the fields.
The sky changed from grey to black,
the lake was long
and dark.

I think of this when I drink wine sometimes,
figures around the kitchen fire,
puppets in folk costumeS cooking
bananas in embers:
Viking BurialS, we said.

[Basnik]

Hi,

I haven't had the pleasure of reading your work before but I feel I've missed out and will check out the hotel (!) Anyway, not a particularly long or detailed crit, I jut wanted to voice my approval - precise, delicate and evocative phrasing and imagery and wonderful control of sound and line. Thanks for the read.

Rich. Basnik

[David]

Yes, really good. I prefer your original S3, though. I don't think you need kindling or theatre there. It just works better as you had it, for me.

Good stuff. Is this echt Welsh Wales?

Cheers

David

[calico]

Thanks for these thoughts - I keep making different versions but I think I will leave it as it is for a bit ...Yes, hello Basnik I haven't read you either but am about to! And David, it is Welsh Wales, Rhiwargor means opening of the valley.
megan.

[Mic]

Megan -

I like the concrete detail of the first stanza and the way the second stanza echoes the shape of the first. This does, for me at least, create the expectation of a similar shape for the third stanza. The second stanza felt rather like a series of not wildly interesting (sorry!) observations/statements. I do like the interesting details/image of puppets in folk costume around the fire cooking bananas in embers. Ahh, and I've just had a Eureka! moment about the Viking Burial, which I didn't get when I read this before. I was about to say - before that Ah-ha moment - that the poem didn't quite work for me. It now turns out that this was because of my failings as a reader. Yes, there's someting about this I think. That said, though, it isn't one of my favourites of yours.

Michaela