A Cold Front

[paisley]

A Cold Front

Talk to someone else about the weather,
how the grass has grown in the orchard
or the cherry blossoms have fallen
early this year.

I don't want to hear about the haze
on the horizon blowing in over the sea,
or be informed of the exact minute
the sun is scheduled to drop
below your roof line.

Don't tell me
how blue your skies are.

I'm busy
removing embedded debris,
restoring my internal terrain
to what it was
before the winds of change
blew me out of your sunny little life.

I don't want to talk to you
about the weather.






x

[calico]

Dear Paisley,
First thing - "an advisory" - seems an odd construction, can you just use advice do you think? It makes me think of an advisory panel or something more corporate than the personal matters of the poem. I really like the direct way the poem addresses its subject, direct but restrained. S1, I would do:
or the cherry blossoms have fallen
early this year.

because I like the line-ending fallen...

S2 very good - the exact minute bit - I wasn't sure about the horizon blowing in - the haze blowing in yes, but the horizon seems one of those things that signals something unmoving, distant, didn't seem quite right.

Overall the tone is ..quiet..dignified. "sunny little life" - bit of contempt there.
Thanks, I enjoyed it.

[paisley]

Thank you. I was thinking of weather advisory or a storm advisory but I can see the problem, thanks. I'm glad you liked it. Appreciate the time.

[calico]

Whoa! Don't go changing titles yet, that was just one opinion. Other people might have got storm advisory straight away. I like Current Conditions. Storm Advisory? Is that an Americanism - Storm Warning?

[paisley]

Thanks Calico. I actually looked up a website that listed a zillion weather terms and picked one. Frost Warning was one of the options I thought was fun.
There were a lot of words that could work and that was the problem. I will leave it as it is for now.. even Weather Advisory might be good. Thank you for your reply.

[rushme]

dear paisley

enjoyed your poem - quaint, charming & whimsical!

current conditions is a good title!

some suggestions - take what you will or disregard:

Talk to someone else about the weather:
how the grass has grown in the orchard
how the cherry blossoms have fallen
early this year.

I don't want to hear about the haze
on the horizon or be informed
of the exact minute the sun
is scheduled to drop below
your roof line.

Don't tell me
how blue your skies are.

I'm busy removing embedded debris,
restoring my internal terrain
to what it was before
the winds of change

blew me out
of your sunny little life.


Don't talk to me
about the weather.

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Paisley,

I enjoyed the metaphor, but I thought that:

I'm busy
removing embedded debris,
restoring my internal terrain
to what it was
- is a bit too general and sounds a little forced. (Not that I have any good ideas on how to improve it)

It's probably just me but I have never come across "advisory" used in that way, so the title threw me.
IMHO something along the lines of "Cold Front" might be better, but that's just my opinion.

Nice work
Geoff

[brianedwards]

Thumbs down on the title here too I'm afraid . . .

I like the idea here, but think your'e over-writing it. Here's the meat, for me:

Talk to someone else
about the weather,
I don't want to hear
about the haze
or be informed
of the exact minute
the sun drops
below your roof line.

I'm busy restoring
internal terrain
with no interest in
the weather.



Or some such . . . Offered with sincerity.

B.

[paisley]

Thank you rushme, you must be from the states? I lived where an advisory was an exciting event. And there is nothing so startling/exciting/chilling as a green sky and a tornado warning. The sirens meant head to the basement.

Thank you Geoff and Brian, I guess I have the wrong audience for the word, who knew?

Very commonly used in the states, it is not a warning, that is the worst.. whatever it is about.. it is already coming your way. Tornado fire high winds , blizzard
it is not a watch that is highly possible impending doom
it is an advisory it is, well, not a good idea to go there without caution.

It is the weather service advice based on facts. The parade will not be cancelled but you'd better have a backup plan because conditions are right for chaos.
Here is the word used officially if anyone cares. it is actually a clever title, i think.. sorry it did not work. That happens, doesn't it?

http://www.spc.noaa.gov/products/wwa/

It sort of set the poem up on the wrong course immediately then, eh?

While I enjoy a crit, otherwise I would not post, what is the deal about everyone rewriting other people's posted poems in up here?

I have trouble with writing a crit as I am not very knowledgeable in poetry terms and historical stuff
but if I can just rewrite the posted poems to them to make read better, to my ear,
or to reflect what I think the meat of the message is, I would really enjoy that.

Huh,that is common practice then? that is okay?
That makes giving a crit almost like doing an exercise and I like them.
I did not realize that was the same as a crit.

Thanks.

[clarabow]

I like the weather front idea and you could probably do a quick google and come up with another name for a cold front or at least some ideas that might work in the poem, although having read some of the comments you may have already done that! I have posted on American web sites and they would sometimes get stuck with a British way of saying something. The directness works very well - and I like this poem. I don't think anyone is trying to re-write the poems here, any suggestions (because that is all they are and can be) are up to the writer to impose, ignore or perhaps inspire thought when a line is not as strong as others. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes the thoughts in the head don't always translate to the page and the reader. Anyway, take what works - ignore what doesn't.

A Cold Front

Talk to someone else about the weather -
how the grass has grown in the orchard
or the cherry blossoms have fallen
early this year.

I don't want to hear about the haze
on the horizon blowing in over the sea;
or be informed of the exact minute
the sun is scheduled to drop
below your roof line.

Don't tell me
how blue your skies are.

I'm busy
removing embedded debris,
restoring my internal terrain
to what it was

before the winds of change - I think these 2 lines could be strengthened as they are slightly cliche
blew me out of your sunny little life.

I don't want to talk to you
about the weather.

[ray miller]

I knew what an advisory was and I thought it was a good title. Is that 3 or 4 titles you've had now? You should stick to your guns, paisley, you won't please everyone and if you did you'd be in a circus not a poetry forum.
I loved the middle bit:
Don't tell me
how blue your skies are.
These two lines, as someone else pointed out, are a little ordinary:
before the winds of change
blew me out of your sunny little life.

Maybe just: "Don't talk to me about the weather" to finish with.

[brianedwards]

I knew what an advisory was too Paisley, just didn't think it a very attractive title.
But yes, as others say, it's your poem and can't be written by committee.

B.

[paisley]

Thanks Clarabow, Ray and Brian for the comments. I think that it is a poor title but I wish it were a good title. lol. It is a good idea but a hard sounding word, I think. Thanks for the feedback. The different nuances of English can be a surprise sometimes. It was easy to change the title because i was so unsure myself. Titles can be tricky little things, hiding until the last minute.

Thanks for the replies. Appreciate it.

[Nash]

Hello Paisley,

Just to throw a spanner in the works, I liked the original title too.

I really like the gentleness of your writing, it makes it very readable, I've just been reading Moorland before this one. However, I would personally liked to have seen a bit more spikiness in this one to reflect the frostiness of the emotions.

Still a lovely read though!

[BenJohnson]

I didn't see the original title, but the current one sits well with me (mind you it is typically British, nothing as exciting a tornadoes here, our baby equivalents hardly count). Again I arrive after all the editing, but I like the style.

The opening is very non-specific the intended audience could be anyone, parent, friends, annoying work collogue, etc. S2 moves us on a little partly revealing why you don't want to listen, and S3 finally throws everything into clarity. Very accessible in a way that reminds me on Wendy Cope ( a good thing in my opinion). The content could so easily have been written in a typical 'you have left me, I'm struggling to get over it, life is all bad' kind of way which you skilfully avoid.

[paisley]

Nash,
Thank you, I love a man who throws a spanner now and again, it can be like a game of horseshoes. I love the sound of the metal clunk. Do they play horseshoes in England? Anyway, thanks for the title support. I am having a hard time with my titles these days. I liked An Advisory because it was not quite a direct warning, it was a proceed with caution sort of feel. But I also understand why it doesn't work as well with an international audience. I like the way you crit, it has an ease about it.

Ben,
Thank you for the reply. I can't get your Pantone 1665 C off my mind. I think it is my favorite poem on the board for a long time. Oh, but... thanks for the kind words and comments. I will look up Wendy Cope and read some of her.