The Catch

[clarabow]

.

Please don’t stare; I am trying to remember the weight
of water on scales; a current that carries even when
other weights pull the vertebrate from its bed upstream,
downstream, a translucent stream caressing the honesty

of nakedness that can't hold these failing fins as they glide
for eons through the onrush of air; they will not wither
but they will forget why they are here

this glassy eye, in its opaque mind, isn't glaring
can’t you see - its trying to remember?


original

Please don’t stare. I’m trying to remember the weight
of water on scales. A current that carries even when
other weights pull the vertebrate from its bed up-stream,
down-stream; a stream caressing the honesty of this
translucent nakedness, holding these failing fins steady
as they glide for eons, even through the onrush of air -
they will not wither, but they will forget why they are here.
My glass opaque eye is not staring back - can’t you see
it’s trying to remember.

[dogofdiogenes]

Clara,

am off to bed, but this is fish, isn't it!?

jacq

[BenJohnson]

Sorry meant to comment before but got dragged away at work. The language as ever is lovely

Please don’t stare. I’m trying to remember the weight
of water on scales

For some reason my mind decided this was a metaphor for Evolution halfway through, then got confused and thought that maybe it was just literal, but somehow couldn't read it that way either. I think it is the "glide for eons" and fins that "will forget why they are here", that is telling me there is more to this than a simple fishing tale. Think I need a few more reads yet.

[coffeedodger]

I really like this for its subtle word play of the 'scales' alluding to both weight and fish, but embodying both as very human qualities. The imagery flows nicely throughout. I may be completely wrong but the metaphor I connected with was about aging, perhaps dementia, disability or some other impairment that affects the ability to function. There is a sense of awareness from the person's perspective but a lack of abilty to control the flow of the 'river'

Sorry if my interpretation is way off the mark. I still find it an interesting read.

[clarabow]

Well, poetry is about interpretation and in a way all the comments are right. I was walking along a river and a fish caught on the weir, with a staring eye, and fins useless without water. Perhaps evolution from waterto land started like this. And coffee dementia is about losing what we still have - the mind becomes as useless as a fish without water...

[ray miller]

Interesting idea. So is the fish the narrative voice throughout? "a stream caressing the honesty of this translucent nakedness" seems to be a different voice altogether.Unless it's quite a self-regarding fish, like a bloater.
I'd prefer glassy to glass.
I really like what you have at the beginning and end, it's the midstream I'm floundering in.

"And coffee dementia is about losing what we still have...." Will we all end up as residents of Maxwell House?

[clarabow]

Ray, I had glassy but changed it! And it was the beginning and the end that I wasn't sure about -but you have settled my mind that the middle doesn't quite work rather than the other way around. Yes, I have given that most mute of creatures the fish a voice, rather like giving a flower (the myth of Persephone) a voice. But I will have a look at the middle part to see if I can pull the whole into er - being!

[coffeedodger]

'In a way all the comments are right' is a very nice way of saying that I was indeed almost completely wrong!
I like the amendments you've made. Should it not end with a question mark though?

Ray.... I am on the run from Maxwell House. I was in the high security wing but managed to slip out disguised as a tea bag.

[clarabow]

Coffee - No you weren't wrong at all. You interpreted the poem and what it meant to you? For me this is very pleasing because poetry should be open to interpretation. ...it should draw the reader in who takes out its widest and narrowist interpretation...

the nearly right was just looking at the poem as being about a fish because, it is much more than that - I was trying to say something about the human condition as well as the fish.

[calico]

Hi Clara - Ray no more fish jokes! please!
Clara - I like all these thoughts, putting yourself in to the water and letting it carry the reader - The scales thing threw me momentarily but I think it's the anchor (ahem) of the piece, the physical weight of water.
As for the versions - things I prefer in both. I liked the "I'm trying to remember" over "something trying to remember", but the semi-colon is an improvement.
And I think I prefer the original ending, although both are good. The break in the structure of the revision at the end helps. I really like it though, nice thoughts, nice feelings.

[Elphin]

clara

I think with little modification this would work rather well. I thought it was a fish hooked and that was a metaphor for a human condition - dementia, depression or just generally struggling with life.

The small changes I refer to would be firstly to make the first line more direct, make the fish the narrator. So

Please don’t stare; I am trying to remember

Second, take a break half way through s1

down-stream. A translucent stream caresses the honesty

I think the last two lines are very powerful.

Enjoyed

elph

[clarabow]

ThanK you all for the feedback; have edited again, slightly. So hope this is there...

[Raincoat]

"eons through the onrush of air" absolutely fantastic. can the hyphens come out of up-stream and down-stream though? really like this.

[Raincoat]

think they should be one word though, upstream, downstream.

[coffeedodger]

Better a poem open to interpretation than one that is either so obvious as to be boring, or one so abstract as to have no meaning to anyone other than the writer. You've got a nice balance between the human and the fishy connotations for it to work on both levels so that is very nice. I'm surprised to see 'opaque nets' in there now though. It is a confusing image to me......could be a fish metaphor too far.

[clarabow]

Thanks for picking up on streams and yes, nets is probably over-doing it. Changed again...