Suddenly Mortal

[Nash]

Was it after the funeral or before?
Your father’s funeral,
that I was too young
to understand or attend,
when I saw you turn away.
Your silhouette transparent,
your broad shoulders
weak in your borrowed suit.
I saw you for the first time,
impossibly afraid,
and, following, lost you.

[Raincoat]

"shoulders weak in your borrowed suit" is a beautiful astute image and really enjoyed the rest of the poem. lots of mystery here, feels like the person described is significant in some way but we don't know why and I like that. my only suggestion is the "turn away" line - it would be good to have a setting here to help picture it because we don't know if he is turning away casually or if he was turning to avoid the child. the only other thing I can think of is transparent silhouette bit - which feels quite surreal compared to the rest of the descriptions but is this because the person is a ghost in which case it wouldn't be surreal or have I got that totally wrong?

[Ros]

I'm reading this as a father attending his own father's funeral - and you're the grandson seeing his father's reaction.

I like this very much, but I think you could tighten the language a bit. I'm afraid (to me) the first line reminded me of an Agatha Christie book, but that may be my problem rather than yours! I'm having trouble with a silhouette being transparent, but the last five lines are great.

Ros

[offelias]

It feels to me like the sort of childhood relationship that you have with your 'cool' uncle or friend of family.
The one who you don't see very often but is always full of life, laughter - and every time they see you they have a present, or a planned day out etc.
To me it's like the first time the child sees their adult friend seem vulnerable, and because of this there is for once no connection between the two.. "and, following, lost you".

I really like this. Short and simple yet has a depth that is beyond the words.

[Nash]

Hello Raincoat, Ros and Offelias,

Thankyou all for your comments. Ros, you got it spot on, that's exactly what I was intending. This is one of those personal pieces that I've been working on for ages. The original draft was far more literal and I was a bit worried that I may have squeezed out every bit of meaning from it in the condensing, glad to learn that at least some of it is still there. I'm still far from happy with it, it's not really saying what I want it to say. I'm starting to think that I may have bitten off more than I can chew with this one, for the moment anyway.

[paisley]

Nash,
I like this very much and think that your ability to capture a feeling is admirable. I don't have anything new to add to the crits above but wanted to say that I find your writing very enjoyable, honest.. so unpretentious. I like it very much.

Paisley

[Ros]

I don't think you're far off, Nash. Perhaps in the first line you could refer to the funeral more obliquely - something like 'after the black cars drew away'. I think repeating funeral in the first two lines isn't working so well. I found the hint at meaning at about the right level, and the emotion behind it comes through well.

Ros

[Nash]

Thankyou for your kind words Paisley, they are very much appreciated.

Thankyou too Ros, that's very encouraging. It's a great idea about that first line, I've kept it the same through all of the rewrites, no idea why! It's so easy to get bogged down in a poem isn't it? Thanks for the fresh perspective, this site's great!

[Ros]

this site's great!

Thanks, Nash! Makes it all worthwhile.

Ros

[David]

You've caught the moment well, Nash. And in just a few lines, too. (I like brevity, me.)

You're at the stage where all I can do is quibble about individual words. I agree with Raincoat about the transparent silhouette, and I'm not sure about weak as a contrast to broad.

But, as I say, those are just quibbles.

Cheers

David

[Raincoat]

the only thing with weak is that it alludes to some kind of fragility which I think gives it depth, maybe david is right that it's not an exact contrast but I do like the word.

[nar]

Hey, Nash.

At first I thought your first line was a little weak, but now I think it is the key to making this work so well.

It adds an essential uncertainty that emphasises your emotion.

I think the transparent silhouette idea could work, but the two words don't quite gel for me.

Nice write. Thank you.

- Neil.

[Lovely]

Very dear Nash,

I like this from you shows your persona and self...immortal yea? Read it ...that mind eh?

You are there more or less


Dave (comfort)

[ray miller]

Comes to us all, I suppose. I liked the poem,it is quite tender, it avoids being too hurt or moralistic. The best advice has been given. Something symbolic of a funeral would improve the opening line and I guess you'd have to think about whether "weak" is really the word you want.

[John G]

First line reminds me of the first line to Camus “The Outsider”

“

Mother died today. Or maybe yesterday, I don’t know.”

which is never a bad thing.

The general existentialist angst that death can bring about –

Really enjoyed it and brought back memories of the first time I saw my dad cry, which was after his dads funeral and me being to young to comprehend but knowing that something had changed, forever.

My only niggle – is the line about the borrowed suit – seems to be slightly cliché along with “second hand suit” – but it works in contrast with the broad shoulders line.

But hey that’s a tiny niggle against a poem I thoroughly enjoyed – thumbs up for the funeral!

[Nash]

Hello John,

That's really funny about The Outsider, I read it a few weeks before starting on this poem. Funny how things seep in!

Really enjoyed it and brought back memories of the first time I saw my dad cry, which was after his dads funeral and me being to young to comprehend but knowing that something had changed, forever.

It sounds as though we had the same experience, that's exactly what I was going for. That uncomfortable feeling of first realising that your dad isn't the strongest man in the world, that he's just mortal, and knowing that one day you will be in the same position as him. Thankyou for this comment, it's really helped me out.

Cheers everybody for your help on this, I'll leave it for a few weeks and come back to it.

[Lovely]

Got to say this: I thought my dad was the strongest man in the world to until
my mother died and he just broke in two I was helpless thought I was cool until
then. But it improved our relationship and brought us together even though he
went away when I was a lonely child. I know how you feel. It's nice to think you
can express this in a peaceful way

[brianedwards]

Nash,
I'm late to this and I know you're taking some time, but just wanted to report:
I think that last line is excellent but it's hard work getting there. The pronouns click like cards stuck in the poem's spokes; the poem's quiet grace gets disrupted by this unnecessary noise. In revising, I strongly suggest you seek ways to reduce the number of instances.

Look forward to seeing another draft.

B.

[Nash]

Thankyou Brian, that's fantastic advice. I really hadn't considered that at all, it seems so obvious now you've mentioned it. Cheers!

Thankyou too for your kind words Lovely.