Women are Walking Holes

[Raincoat]

Words drum against walls and
the membrane-skin of her
surgery-born hymen:

Women are just walking
holes waiting to be filled,
we don suits, slice hectic

lives into pie-charts, become
professors for what? Their
eyes still droop to our cached

breasts, for solely we are
judged by the tightness of
a motile hole below.

edited - changed "my breasts" to our breasts and "I am judged" to we are judged from the original

Original

Women are walking holes
just waiting to be filled,
we don suits, slice hectic

lives into pie-charts, become
professors for what? Their
eyes still droop to our cached

breasts, for, solely we are
judged by the tightness of
these motile holes below.

(This poem was inspired by an article I read about an Iraqi-American who had hymen reconstruction surgery. I wanted to write it from that perspective.)

[deleted]

Nice, but brief: I could read more, to be honest. I read this a few times and do enjoy it - if you were to elaborate at all, I would say keep the last verse last (the overlapping sentence to verse structure would kind of complicate this, I know).

Good work.

[clarabow]

My comment would be that this came over as a generalisation about all women and because of that felt rather misogynistic, which I don't think was your intent?
What might save it is if you could personalise it - e.g.


She must think women are walking holes
just waiting to be filled by the demands of sex,
so we can go on donning suits, slice hectic

lives into pie-charts, become professors for what?
So their eyes will droop to our cached breasts?
does she really believe she is judged by
the tightness of her motile hole - is this

what man has made of woman?

[dogofdiogenes]

i'm with clarabow on this. You don't need to go into why too much-leave the reader thinking why you would want to have this done in the first place?
But I'm glad I've read it, thank you

jacq

[Raincoat]

Jacq and Mr Disappointment - thanks for the feedback and glad you both enjoyed reading it, but I know it still needs some work so thanks for your patience with it.

Clara you have exactly understood my intentions, that's why I thought I had better leave a note at the bottom just to show that this is not my perspective. Think you are right about making it more personal, i'm thinking about italicising some of it so that it sounds more like the words of one of these women who have been driven to such drastic acts - wondering if it would be worth including a reference to the reconstruction somewhere as well.

Tess

[Arian]

It's not often that you see "hymen reconstruction" and "inspired" in the same sentence!

I'll try and come back to this later.

cheers
peter

[Nash]

Hello Raincoat,

That's a brave subject to tackle, wouldn't fancy it myself.

I would have to agree with Clarabow that it may come across as a bit misogynistic if it wasn't for the addition of the note. I think that it could be very good and definitely worth working on.

[Raincoat]

Peter, you're right, perhaps "inspired" wasn't a good word. the article was in a friend's photography magazine, the article tried to paint "America" with several photos, one of them was this lady laying on a operating table about to have hymen reconstruction, it just stuck in my mind for some reason, wish i'd been thinking about something far sexier to be honest

Nash - that's my major worry - I wouldn't want anyone to read it without the note, so in some ways I have failed with this poem. I've had a few ideas and have put a new version up which will try and incorporate the info from the note. I've also made it personal just to avoid anyone misconstruing this as my opinion which luckily no-one has yet which they easily could have done without the note.

tess

[ray miller]

I prefer the original, actually.Our cached breasts is better than my cached breasts though I think you should follow breasts with "and" not "for".Given the perspectives you've taken I don't buy the misogyny tag and the explanatory note feels like an apology.
You could maybe use a full stop after "filled"?

[Raincoat]

hmm I'm not sure what to think now Ray, I actually agree with you about the "our breasts" and "we are judged" of the original rather than "my breasts" and "I am judged" because it just feels a bit too "safe" now as if I'm afraid of offending anyone and it sounds rather false "I am judged" isn't really a natural way to speak whereas "we are judged" is perhaps.

my only worry is that people mistake this poem as a generalization, which of course it isn't, so I hope that by putting it in italics it will sounds like the voice of someone who has had this surgery. It's just such a drastic act, very expensive as well, and I was just so intrigued by what drives women to this, or are they pushed into it? But I do agree with you Ray and I think that I will return it to the original form.

[Nash]

Hello Tess,

The more I'm reading this the more I like it. I like what you've done with the rewrite to make it less generalised. I'm wondering now whether I was bit hasty with the misogyny comment on the original (or it could just be that I'm more familiar with the concept now)? Tricky this poetry lark isn't it?

[Arian]

I don't buy the misogyny tag and the explanatory note feels like an apology.

I completely agree with Ray. A poem should speak for itself, or it's failed. Even when it is acceptable to add a footnote, it should only be to provide factual context, not to provide an explanation of perspective. That's the job of the poem itself.

Cheers
peter

[Raincoat]

Hi Peter, don't worry this issue has already been resolved.

If you read up I actually admitted it before Ray that my original had failed due to its reliance on the footnote which is why I completely re-wrote it, took the info from the note and put it into S1 of my revised poem so it no longer needs the footnote.
thanks

[Lovely]

Hymen reconstruction? When I was at great ormond street finishing my doctorate after
several long years we helped the kids with this condition-- quite common.

I like it for it hurts me. I would not say women are holes though more the beauty the love
which is true friend. Who are we without them? Nothing Simona! Nothing.

Use your self and intellect to piece together more here there are some powerful vibes humming about friend. Wish I had known that I would have called you up on a sunday night
to see clearly now. My memory plays a tune the same old song....




Good luck

[Divina]

Hello Raincoat

It's nice to meet you and it's good to read your poem. About your inspiration, I just couldn't believe that such things are still happening.
This worries me actually because maybe I don't want to believe it or have grown away from understanding any kind of lifestyle which is different from my own. Your poem is very well written.
I'd like to offer a few suggestions. Could you try leaving out the 'we' pronoun and 'our' somehow. You have 'their' in S2, then why switch back to 'we'. Maybe I'm missing something.

Best regards
Maria

[blacksheep]

The meaning is so strong, this poem really got me inside your head, true poetry.
Not all men think like that though