About something pretty deep and real to me, I feel the swear words are necessary.
Hurt me
I've never loved anyone more, i've never loved anyone less,
I've been force fed to the wolves, left a mangled marred mess.
I hate you, I love you, I hate you, we fall,
Fuck off from my dreams, I hate that I miss you at all.
Treated like the shit on your shoe, reborn anew,
Powerful and prevalent, after all i've been through.
Weak, quiet and cowardly, always sailing the smooth course,
For the daggars in my heart, you show no remorse.
No guaranteed truth, no definite answer,
Avoidance in abundance, eats at me like cancer.
Clumsy and dense, full of pretense,
A hurtful cowardly cunt, with no repentance.
So go get some new cocks in you, get used and feel dirty,
I hope that you suffer, for how much you've hurt me.
Hurt me *STRONG LANGUAGE*
-
Ros
- Moderator
- Posts: 7963
- Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 4:53 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: this hill-shadowed city/of razors and knives.
- Contact:
Hi blacksheep,
Swear words can be appropriate - I think the problem here though is that they make your feelings seem too general. We're not reading your specific experience. We're not getting a feel for the characters as people, and therefore it's hard for the poem to make me sympathize with you. You say it's deep and real to you - so show us something of you, and the one you hate. At the moment it's a list of cliches that could belong to anyone. Perhaps pick a particular event, and show us the interaction so we can draw our own conclusions without you having to spell out weak and cowardly. Try it without they rhyming, I'd also suggest.
Ros
Swear words can be appropriate - I think the problem here though is that they make your feelings seem too general. We're not reading your specific experience. We're not getting a feel for the characters as people, and therefore it's hard for the poem to make me sympathize with you. You say it's deep and real to you - so show us something of you, and the one you hate. At the moment it's a list of cliches that could belong to anyone. Perhaps pick a particular event, and show us the interaction so we can draw our own conclusions without you having to spell out weak and cowardly. Try it without they rhyming, I'd also suggest.
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
-
blacksheep
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2010 5:46 pm
Everyone has opinions, but it's not about an event or storytelling, it's about raw emotion and how what's occurred makes me feel, and caused me to write angry hate filled verse.
-
Ros
- Moderator
- Posts: 7963
- Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 4:53 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: this hill-shadowed city/of razors and knives.
- Contact:
And poetry is about communicating that to someone else. Which this isn't doing as effectively as it could.
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
Mm that sounds a bit painful lol, but you could actually increase the output and therapeutic value of the poem with even more powerful words which are not expletives.
This actually makes my stuff look like family orientated reading material lol, I'd recommend a bit of dampness play with the local harlots.
It's a funny old world, I posted a similar piece in the exercise yard lol, not quite the same approach but very similar content.
I think the use of "cunt" in a reactionary way says more than the rest of the poem put together, I don't think any word is a no go in poetry, but its context often
says more about the author's mindset than the other content ever will.
Well now that's off your chest, what's next?
thanks
Danté
This actually makes my stuff look like family orientated reading material lol, I'd recommend a bit of dampness play with the local harlots.
It's a funny old world, I posted a similar piece in the exercise yard lol, not quite the same approach but very similar content.
I think the use of "cunt" in a reactionary way says more than the rest of the poem put together, I don't think any word is a no go in poetry, but its context often
says more about the author's mindset than the other content ever will.
Well now that's off your chest, what's next?
thanks
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
-
blacksheep
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2010 5:46 pm
I have a couple more angry ones, some more positive stuff too.
I'l get round to posting them in time.
I'l get round to posting them in time.
-
blacksheep
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2010 5:46 pm
I just didn't want to upset anyone, I didn't know how it was in this community.
Clearly theres absolutely no issue, but thanks for the put down
Clearly theres absolutely no issue, but thanks for the put down
-
John G
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 826
- Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2008 3:36 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: London born and bred now resident of West Yorkshire
- Contact:
Now, I’m not one to moan about swearing (just ask the people on here) but I am in agreement with Ros that it would come across better in there was a more specific context – an event so to speak that the words were aimed at.
However, as you say the poem was personal so I hope it was cathartic for you.
However, as you say the poem was personal so I hope it was cathartic for you.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.
-
brianedwards
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 5375
- Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Japan
- Contact:
Danté wrote:
Well now that's off your chest, what's next?
Perfect comment! 100% agreed.
Looking forward to more.
B.
~
Well you certainly didn't hold anything back there Blacksheep.
The swearing doesn't offend me, but I do think that you restricted your flow of emotions trying to rhyme your poem.
I think if you spewed your raw pain onto the page just how you felt it, without trying to make connecting rhymes, it would come across as a stronger, more passionate piece.
I look forward to your next post.
Pauline.
The swearing doesn't offend me, but I do think that you restricted your flow of emotions trying to rhyme your poem.
I think if you spewed your raw pain onto the page just how you felt it, without trying to make connecting rhymes, it would come across as a stronger, more passionate piece.
I look forward to your next post.
Pauline.
With all repects Ross is right. It moves and delivers emotions and it hurts to.
I think if it became more you there would be something to remember.
However I did like this piece and thank you for her....sorry acout the situation
We all say truths and lies our being, but what is true, if only us.
Do it man be you.
Here and there sometimes me or see to be
you are flowing free for me
Dave
I think if it became more you there would be something to remember.
However I did like this piece and thank you for her....sorry acout the situation
We all say truths and lies our being, but what is true, if only us.
Do it man be you.
Here and there sometimes me or see to be
you are flowing free for me
Dave