Dapper Elves

[Lovely]

Often the fairy elves
whose midnight glance revels near forests and dales
or by fountain a belated peasant sees
or dreams he sees, while the silvered moon
sits arbitress, and near to earth;
wheels her pale course, for mirth and dance
intent a second glance
with joy and fear the moon rebounds
collected light from hgher grounds.

About this spring, if love remains as true,
the dapper elves their moonlight sports renew;
the pigmy king and fairy queen
in circling dances upon the green,
while tuneful sprites-- a concert made,
an airy music warbles through the shade

days of old (when) the king of elves and fairy queen
danced a Jimmy Hendrix on the vernal green.
To the sounds of love and loyalty great purpose their lofy souls
even though in hovel or mine, a fairy song is told.

They are flown , beautiful fictions of our fathers,
in superstition's web when time was youth
and fondly loved and cherished--they are flown,
before the wand of modern science

[nar]

Hey, Lovely.

Sorry, but you have lost me here. I'm not sure what's going on. Is this a description, a story, a moment-in-time or what? I can see some images, but they're all a bit elusive and fragmented. Perhaps that's what you intended, and my underdeveloped imagination simply can't gather it all together (if so - my bad).

I like 'danced a Jimmy Hendrix', and 'wand of modern science'. Those images worked well, but the rest remains all a bit fluffy to my eyes.

Maybe if you cut the line lengths down a bit I might start getting it.

Best.

- Neil

[sophiemerlo]

This is written in a really old fashioned way, style, imagery, grammar and language, so I think the 'Jimmy Hendrix' is totally out of place in it - in my opinion, the theme and language clashes with it horribly and it doesn't work. I think I'd feel it jarred on me in this section even if you didn't mention the great Hendrix by name and just talked about a genre of music one doesn't usually expect to go with these creatures. You lead us to expect by the rest of the poem panpipes and flutes, you see. And if it's meant to be an intentional shock/surprise, it really doesn't work.

I think if you wanted to use the imagery of elves dancing around to Hendrix (and it's a tickling thought) you need to altar the language and style for the rest of this poem.

[Alfie]

This is written in a really old fashioned way, style, imagery, grammar and language,

*cough* How do those things make an 'old fashioned' poem? They make poetry, always have, always will. Even children's poems have imagery and style, otherwise . . . how can you get anything from it? Everyone has a style, even if they don't know they do - the more they write the more prominent it becomes, and it will change as they do. Language speaks for itself: a blank page is not poetry. Check out some of the poems/poets on the online Poetry Archive, you'll find all of these things are utilised in most of the work there, plus it's good reading.


Anyway . . .

Often the fairy elves > 'fairy elves' paints a rather cliched image rather than anything original, could you describe them in some other way, paint your own picture of them? Make them interesting.
whose midnight glance revels near forests and dales
or by the fountain a belated peasant sees >This is all rather vague. The first line here is too long and 'rivers and dales' is a rather bare image - I'm just seeing green trees, nothing else.
or dreams he sees, while the silvered moon <that's a big cliche
sits arbitress, and near to earth;<comma
wheelswheeling her pale course, for mirth and dance
intent on a second glance >why the sudden rhyming? If you want to rhyme, it should be consistent all the way though.
with the joy and fear the moon rebounds >these two words are considered 'poetic' by a lot of people, but they don't actually show the reader anything. What does joy feel like? What does fear fear like? Why are these emotions put here, conflicting? Try painting these emotions, not telling them.collected'collecting' light from hgherhigher grounds.

This was a good start and you definitely have a good handle on imagery. You main problem is cliches - watch out for them, they're anything you've heard before a million times, and they won't add much to your work unless you can use them in a new way or for a specific effect.

About this spring, if love remains as true,>cliche again.
the dapper elves their moonlight sports renew; >ooh, major forced rhyme here - if you have to warp your lines so they rhyme, then don't rhyme. The freedom will give you a lot more leeway on your words, ideas and imagery, and your poem as a whole. Forcing rhymes will only jar your poems.
the pigmypygmy king and fairy queen
in circling dances upon the green,
while tuneful sprites-- a concert made,
an airy music warbles through the shade >this it all cute, but rather surface. How is the king pygmy? How does this effect his dancing, show us, but don't tell it. Let us see the intricacies of this dance, the connections. The last line is interesting, but watch your grammar as it doesn't make sense with the other lines.

days of old (when) why the parenthesis? the king of elves and fairy queen
danced a JimmyJimi Hendrix on the vernal green. >I half agree with the previous comments about this. Jimi Hendrix seems too modern a reference to put into a poem that seems to be about fairies/elves dancing. I like the idea this sparks though, but you'd need to weave it a lot better into this poem for it to work. It's all rather fluffy before this part, and Jimi was certainly not a fluffy person - try and insert some of the energy of his music into this, warp your elves a bit, build on your metaphor here. What were the crowds like at his concerts, his reception, the fans, or him in general? Replace some of your fluffy nature imagery and harden it, create the contrast between the fans dancing and these creatures - be original. Maybe then this will work.
To the sounds of love and loyalty great purpose their lofy souls > those words are also ones that sound poetic, but give nothing. Show us the fans' love and loyalty, and tie it in with your previous stanzas.
even though in hovel or mine, a fairy song is told. >Jimi Hendrix = fairy song?? I'm lost. You need to expand on this and show us what you're telling us.

They are flown[no space] , beautiful fictions of our fathers,
in superstition's web when time was youth
and fondly loved and cherished--they are flown, >how are they loved and cherished, show us that, don't tell it.
before the wand of modern science >see how your ideas have so much more freedom without the forced rhymes?

You have a lot of potential here for something quite striking, your imagery is weak because you're relying on cliches and vague images, but your writing here shows that you are capable of weaving some interesting and original images of your own. As I've already said, the Jimi Hendric reference doesn't really work with your poem as it is and I'm not sure what science has to do with any of it. You need to streamline your ideas - how does the king/queen from the first coupld stanzas relate to Hendrix (king and queen of rock?) you need to dress them for the part, not careful waltzes in the woods. It's too fluffy and dreamlike, and then it becomes more realistic with a modern reference, clashing fact with fiction.

Grammar wise, I'd advise you to avoid rhyming. The rhyming in this poem was inconsistent and it forced your ideas, breaking the flow and restricting your imagery. Try playing around with your ideas freely without the constraints and see what your imagination lets you create. Also, you should read your poems aloud, if you don't already,to pick out where things don't make sense, break the flow, sound forced, etc.

Overall, this is good work, you just need to work with your ideas and develop them more, pick out details rather than vague areas, if that makes sense.

Some reading for you, because I believe reading other poets' work is very important, I give you Henry Hart - his imagery is just lushious: http://www.carolynforonda.com/Archive/p ... ne2008.htm 'Last Painting' is one of my all-time favourites.

[sophiemerlo]

*cough* How do those things make an 'old fashioned' poem?

Alfie, you misunderstood what I said.

[David]

Ah, L, you've been rummaging through John M's word hoard, haven't you? And Alexander P? Anybody else?

To good effect, I would say. It's like a disco medley remake of the original(s).

I like the way you've spliced Jimi Hendrix in there as well.

Cheers

David

[Lovely]

Thanks for such a response.

The poem itself is much longer but chopped in half.

I love to write on these themes and drreams. They close my eyes and shut eyed
me dreams.....

David to thanks, there is some Milton here altered as you guessed rightly
I also placed a little swift and Byron along the way..........altered though..

Nice one you. Thank you all