Spanish hips ( Edit) revised

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Pauline,

I really like this - IMHO it's your best yet.

I want to dance for you but you’re not here to see me.
- I'd be tempted to shorten this to
I want to dance for you but you’re not here

Also (although some may consider this to be OTT)
I would throw in some more Spanish words

people (L4) - hombre (if you mean "man/men")
tomorrow - mañana
never - nunca

In an ideal world, if I was being picky,
I would maybe have another look at
"undesirables" and "meaningless motion"
also
and apologise for taking a holiday from my wounded life?
- needs to be punchier, less formal IMHO

Geoff

[Pauline]

Thanks Geoff.
Glad you liked it.
This was a word cloud exercise, so I was using the words available to me.
I might re-write it using your suggestions of injecting more Spanish into it.
Hasta luago.

[Danté]

Pauline, I think you have the makings of a fine piece here.

Some great suggestions from Geoff, I´ll keep an eye and see how the re write looks.

You have some fresh sounding combinations of phrasing in the poem and the ending is unexpected in a good way.
It might be worth tinkering with some of the line breaks if you revise.

Good to see you posting.

all the best

Danté

[ray miller]

It's a good 'un, Pauline. Especially:

which sways above my tipsy judgements
like God wagging a disapproving finger.

I think Geoff's right about losing "to see me" and I think the penultimate line needs some repairs.

[Raincoat]

lovely poem Pauline, you've cleverly done this - the title, that first line. i agree with what Dante says about line breaks, perhaps more enjambment would help and intensify the flow?

The descriptions are great - I can see a colourful dancefloor in Spain somewhere with some rowdy drunk dancers - and it feels like there are so many undercurrents in this to uncover - the last two lines suggest that something isn't quite right for her and she just can't join with the crowd even though she wants to. Very different to what I expected when i first saw the title, I don't know why but I thought it was going to be about a hip replacement which I thought would be tough subject to go for Tess

[sophiemerlo]

I really enjoyed this poem. Well done! If I were altering anything I might look at this line, as to me it flowed a little awkward in an otherwise really great piece.

Tomorrow will I look through a window of regret

[Pauline]

Thanks for your feedback guys.
I've took on board your suggestions and tinkered about a little.
I am not sure if I have improved it or spoilt it lol.
Anyway here is my revised version.

[Lovely]

I like Spain. Beautiful souls. Love their food to.


The hip is hip here, you flow in a well way I will see you
in the future .............I really liked

[brianedwards]

Delightful Pauline, absolutely lovely. The only bit I didn't jive with was "insincere apologies" which just shifts the tone too much I reckon.
Also think the longer lines might be preferable for rhythm, but will keep an open mind.
Good work.

B.

~

[Danté]

Pauline, I don't think you have spoiled the piece, but it might be worth you experimenting a little more as I'm convinced there is a third option which can utilise the strengths of both the approaches you have currently explored. Certainly worth the additional thought, as it's clear that the poem is well received and is well worth taking a little time over.

all the best

Tim

[Arian]

Wow, Pauline, what a difference from previous pieces! That’s not to imply, of course that they were poor, that’s not the case, but this is definitely in a different league. To my mind, there’s a few ungainly lapses into the vernacular (e.g. disappear/down the throats), but there’s also some genuinely excellent bits. The first four lines are great, and I think

Tomorrow will I suck
my dehydrated recollections
between my teeth
and apologise

are the best lines of yours I’ve read. Excellent expression – colourful and accurate. Plus, the narrative is clear and dynamic (but narrative was always one of your strong points).

Shouldn’t it be of, not off, by the way – just a typo.

In short, while risking being thought patronising (sorry, if so - not intentional), a real improvement.

Cheers
peter

[Pauline]

Cheers Lovely and Brian.
Dante, I too think it's not quite there yet.
I'm not really happy with the last sentence, so I'm going to change it, but apart from that I'm not sure what else I can do to it without moving away from the original idea.
Hey thanks Peter. Glad you can see an improvement in my writing.
Lets hope I can keep it up hey.

[brianedwards]

Pauline,
which is the latest version? The one at the top with the shorter lines? I prefer the language in that one, if not the line lengths.
Just to be clear.

B.

[Pauline]

Hi Brian.
The one at the top with the shorter lines is the latest version.
I should make it a little clearer shouldn't I?
Will do that now.

[Elphin]

Its good Pauline - final polish maybe.

I would vote for the language of the edited version but closer to the line lengths of the original.

elph

[twoleftfeet]

Hi again, Pauline

Just to say - I much prefer the new version, but I believe the title should be "Caderas españolas"

Geoff

[brianedwards]

Hi again, Pauline

Just to say - I much prefer the new version, but I believe the title should be "Caderas españolas"

Geoff

Yes, I think so too.

[Pauline]

Thanks Geoff and Brian.
Ooops.
My Spanish isn't as good as I thought, lol.
I'll change it when I post my third and hopefully final edit.

[nomad]

I like the way that this poem has developed through each revision, it creates the impression that this is a woman who is finding herself again after years of a being married to a slob.

She seems to be frustrated by her husbands lack of passion for life but she is torn by her love for him and her reawakened desires.

I can see how her emotions are torn when she has "insinceire apologies" in the ealy part of the poem but by the end, she seems to be blossoming in her new found confidence and what does she have to apologise for.? Para que..?

I feel that this is an important message for a man (or a woman) not to lose sight of their partners needs, desires and dreams and to experince lifes journey with each other allowing their relationship to experince the highs and lows.

The "Para que" ending was a postive one as nobody should feel the need to apologise for living their life.

Well done..!

[dogofdiogenes]

Pauline,

I really enjoyed this-made me want to dance. It would benefit from another shine but it's lovely.

Many thanks-am waiting for my brain to stir from its siesta

jacq

[twoleftfeet]

Pauline,

You'll hate me for this
but your last line needs that 'orrible little upside down & reversed question mark at the front.

¿Para qué?

tbh I don't know whether they would say ¿Para qué?
e.g for what reason? is ¿Por qué?
My schoolboy Spanish is out of its depth

Señor Quisquilloso

[Pauline]

Lol.
Lord Fussy.
How did you do the upside down question mark?
I knew that I needed to put it in, but didn't know how to.
I am simply asking if I need to appologise for enjoying myself.

[twoleftfeet]

Lol.
Lord Fussy.
How did you do the upside down question mark?
I knew that I needed to put it in, but didn't know how to.
I am simply asking if I need to appologise for enjoying myself.

Hi Pauline,
I googled "por que" and cut&pasted it. (Nothing clever)

I know I'm mental but semantics fascinates me.
If I'm in doubt I look up French/Spanish stuff at an online dictionary site:
http://www.wordreference.com/
- it usually gives loads of examples, and there are forum threads for idioms/tricky expressions

[Pauline]

Hey, cheers for that Geoff.
I only have a basic grasp of Spanish
so I'm sure I will find this site very useful.
I know how to order my favorite drink/food and tell them how expensive everything is, lol
"Es muy caro, no?" lol.
Saved me a fortune on my last holiday, ha ha.

[nomad]

I only have a basic grasp of Spanish but I should have noticed the "para que"

The correct term is ¿Por qué?

Apologies for not noticing