The plated mural is a stage
of rough parchment, built of hollowed steel.
Careful edges give new paper a look of age.
Flood of embers sketchy horses feel
creases their hard manes two shades deeper
on rough parchment made of hollowed steel.
A trough of acid drinks them, as an innkeeper
tears holes in the paper sack of everything,
creases their hard manes two shades deeper.
Ridges define a peasant’s footing, smudges cling
to paper, contrasted with black scratches behind,
tearing holes in the paper sack of everything.
An etching needle drills slowly, gently - re-aligned
dark eyes and bright hair reflect backward
to paper, contrasting with black scratches behind.
Double-negative space: composition captured
on white plains, straining the eye’s gauge -
dark eyes, but bright hair, reflect backward
so careful edges give new paper a look of age.
Etching
Last edited by pseud on Sun Jan 01, 2006 9:30 pm, edited 5 times in total.
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
Interesting methodology. I'd be the first to admit I'm not a technical poet, and haven't really studied any form of poetry or prose since I was 16 (nearly half a lifetime ago), I just write, so I wouldn't know if there was a standard terminology for this kind of work. I'm sure if there is, you'll tell me otherwise.
The repetition of a previous line (or an amended line) from a previous verse, can sometimes make for difficult comprehension and flow, but adds greater depth to the piece of work as a whole, and works well with the subject matter.
The repetition of a previous line (or an amended line) from a previous verse, can sometimes make for difficult comprehension and flow, but adds greater depth to the piece of work as a whole, and works well with the subject matter.
Dakeyras
ah, technical schmechnicle. Yeah. It's called a terzanelle, one of those annoying French forms, less well known in comparison to its cousin, the villanelle. Every once in a while I'm bored and try to write one.
I respect the ability to "free write," it's not something I seem to be able to do effectively - form keeps me in check. This particular poem's been giving me some trouble, though.
Thank you for reading.
- Caleb
I respect the ability to "free write," it's not something I seem to be able to do effectively - form keeps me in check. This particular poem's been giving me some trouble, though.
Thank you for reading.
- Caleb
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
-
Ray Trivedi
The exemplary user of terza rima is Dante. The rest is just imitation and not quite innovation. There is something of the divine in Divine Comedy, a bit like the Koran or Torah. It's the only immaculate conception one can come across.
There was something of the perpetuum mobile, and the well articulated continuation seemed seamless but the penultimate tercet ending with the quasi-rhyming quatrain ruins your attempt to adhere to the form.
There was something of the perpetuum mobile, and the well articulated continuation seemed seamless but the penultimate tercet ending with the quasi-rhyming quatrain ruins your attempt to adhere to the form.
Ray -
Agreed! I am no Dante.
Just so we're clear here - you're referring to "hurts/backwards"?
Thanks for reading.
- Caleb
Agreed! I am no Dante.
Just so we're clear here - you're referring to "hurts/backwards"?
Thanks for reading.
- Caleb
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
I never realised that poetry could induce so much confrontational hostility amongst forum users. Does no-one just enjoy reading/writing anymore? As well, of course, as offering guidance along the way?
Dakeyras
-
Ray Trivedi
Criticism is meant to improve the writer's writing but if we are not overly sensitive about any constructive criticism then we are OK.
It's better than being uncouth and telling them to "fuck off".
Caleb, the first bit is just a reference not a critique of this poem.
It's better than being uncouth and telling them to "fuck off".
Caleb, the first bit is just a reference not a critique of this poem.
Last edited by Ray Trivedi on Sat Dec 31, 2005 9:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Welcome Dak, stay with us a bit. Most poems do not spur controversy.
We tend to be hard on each other because that is what makes our poetry better. In the poetry discussion section, however, there are quite a few threads just around to talk, enjoy and give credit where it is do. Maybe that is the forum for you.
Yes criticism should be constructive, by the same token people should be courteous to their critics, even if said critics hated the poem. Arguing isn't a good response.
- Caleb
We tend to be hard on each other because that is what makes our poetry better. In the poetry discussion section, however, there are quite a few threads just around to talk, enjoy and give credit where it is do. Maybe that is the forum for you.
Yes criticism should be constructive, by the same token people should be courteous to their critics, even if said critics hated the poem. Arguing isn't a good response.
- Caleb
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
-
Bombadil
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Say rather that defending is not a good response. Arguing, as in debating, is quite fine and can be productive. Getting your feathers ruffled (and the subsequent would be shouting matches that ensue) by someone's critique is your own issue, one that you should deal with before posting on a forum that is specifically designed for such critique and seekers thereof.
Indeed Dak, stick with us a bit. Most of the harshest criticism comes from and is directed to either those who have been here a while (and so there is a kindred desire for mutual improvement) or those who do not seem interested in anything other than a pat on the back. The latter don't last too long.
Anyway. Welcome. I hope we can learn from one another.
As to the poem: is this terza ritma? It seems to me that there are differences between that form and the terzanelle...dunno.
Also, pseud, well done you three rhyming little shit. You've upped the ante yet again.
Cheers,
K.
Indeed Dak, stick with us a bit. Most of the harshest criticism comes from and is directed to either those who have been here a while (and so there is a kindred desire for mutual improvement) or those who do not seem interested in anything other than a pat on the back. The latter don't last too long.
Anyway. Welcome. I hope we can learn from one another.
As to the poem: is this terza ritma? It seems to me that there are differences between that form and the terzanelle...dunno.
Also, pseud, well done you three rhyming little shit. You've upped the ante yet again.
Cheers,
K.
good clarification.Say rather that defending is not a good response...
Terza rima seems to be a very long, long drawn-out version of the terzanelle. Perhaps it's just the name of the style? Dante himself wrote cantos - 150 (?) lines each.
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
ah...work's getting to me today. Terza Rima is simply the rhyme scheme ('rima'=rhyme). Terzanelle has to do with the repetition (whatever nelle means). Tom Bombadillo is right.
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
-
Ray Trivedi
I'll be the first to admit of my ignorance, I've never come across the word terzanelle before today. Then again, I'm a young 32 years old father of one, that's my excuse.
I know that the French villanelle is from the Italian villanello (peasant). Initially it was compositions about the blessed rusticity.
I know that the French villanelle is from the Italian villanello (peasant). Initially it was compositions about the blessed rusticity.