He's got a
tattooed face
and a mouth
that bites people.
He's a Hep-C gorilla
with yellow eyes.
Supports the Spurs
(but can't name no
players these days).
He could murder
a tea, any chance...?
A no-hoper
with two hopes.
He tells the fat
secretary she looks nice.
No joke, proper nice.
She can't help blushing.
The depressed, bearded
cleaner mooches past:
'cheer up, love', he chirps.
His hate is like a magnet.
Scarily nice
Hello FP7 (that's a very strange name!)
I really like this, S1 and S2 are both great.
I really like how you changed the tone with the beginning of S3, leading us on to believe that 'he could murder' before introducing us to the second line, very clever. I think that's the crux of the poem right there, not to judge by appearances.
I'm not sure about:
I really enjoyed reading this, although I'm not sure that I understand the last line.
I really like this, S1 and S2 are both great.
I really like how you changed the tone with the beginning of S3, leading us on to believe that 'he could murder' before introducing us to the second line, very clever. I think that's the crux of the poem right there, not to judge by appearances.
I'm not sure about:
I get that it's referring to the old 'no hope/bob hope' line, but isn't it defeating the object when you've already said that he's a no-hoper?FP7 wrote:A no-hoper
with two hopes.
I really enjoyed reading this, although I'm not sure that I understand the last line.
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- Perspicacious Poster
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Very nice to see you!
The last line is the best. It is a great idea. I think it is such a great idea that it needs more words to get a better impact. You have a real story behind this, I am guessing. Again, Stephen, very nice to see you.
Warmly,
Suzanne
The last line is the best. It is a great idea. I think it is such a great idea that it needs more words to get a better impact. You have a real story behind this, I am guessing. Again, Stephen, very nice to see you.
Warmly,
Suzanne
- twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
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Hi, FP7.
An intriguing read.
Does the last line imply that he is naturally sarcastic as when he told the secretary and the cleaner they were attractive,
or is it that these women are the "hopes"? Hmmm
Geoff
An intriguing read.
Does the last line imply that he is naturally sarcastic as when he told the secretary and the cleaner they were attractive,
or is it that these women are the "hopes"? Hmmm
Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?
It's not easy to suggest where you might go with this. I think it delivers a lot as it is and allows an interesting space for interpretation.
I like the way you've used contrasting appearances with contrasting outcomes in respect of the characters.
enjoyed
Danté
I like the way you've used contrasting appearances with contrasting outcomes in respect of the characters.
enjoyed
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
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- Preponderant Poster
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- Location: Central Scotland
Hey, FP7.
Nice work. Good and vivid characterisation. I've met him.
Reminds me of raoul moat.
S1 is very clever.
S2 adds some detail that I'm not sure we need (too specific perhaps?), but is still nicely written.
S3 picks up the tone again. I might be tempted by 'cuppa' or 'brew' rather than 'tea'.
S4 :
S5: I so want 'mooches' to be 'hoovers', but that's just me. Only nit is 'depressed'.
This one will linger for a bit. Loved it.
- Neil.
Nice work. Good and vivid characterisation. I've met him.
Reminds me of raoul moat.
S1 is very clever.
Perfect.a mouth
that bites people.
S2 adds some detail that I'm not sure we need (too specific perhaps?), but is still nicely written.
S3 picks up the tone again. I might be tempted by 'cuppa' or 'brew' rather than 'tea'.
S4 :
is spot-on. Perhaps 'fat' isn't quite right for me. It's neither judgemental nor patronising enough.No joke, proper nice.
S5: I so want 'mooches' to be 'hoovers', but that's just me. Only nit is 'depressed'.
Simply a great line. I was temped to say 'metaphor not simile', but I think you've got it right.His hate is like a magnet.
This one will linger for a bit. Loved it.
- Neil.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left. (Bertrand Russell)
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A bit of social commentary, right on!
I liked the humour and your use of colloquial language, proper good that was.
Not quite sure what the "two hopes" relate to? and if they don't relate to anything within the poem then I'd say they are superfluous and need changing.
Nice one
CD
I liked the humour and your use of colloquial language, proper good that was.
Not quite sure what the "two hopes" relate to? and if they don't relate to anything within the poem then I'd say they are superfluous and need changing.
Nice one
CD
"You have no idea what obstinate hair mine is, Copperfield. I am quite a fretful porcupine"
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- Posts: 28
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Ooops, sorry about the 3 posts, things went weird!
How do I delete them?
How do I delete them?
"You have no idea what obstinate hair mine is, Copperfield. I am quite a fretful porcupine"