Who knows ? edit

[Pauline]

As soon as I breathe my thoughts
I want to suck them back;
hitch them to the bumper
of addictions that tour the corridors
of my disturbed memory
and drive them into cowardly shadows,
where they shall remain forever mute.

Then, maybe I will understand
the wonderland excitement
your brave fingers trace
upon my obsessed judgments,
and I will return beautiful answers
to your scarred predicament.




As soon as I breathe my thoughts
I want to suck them back
and hitch them to the bumper
of addictions that tour the corridors
of my disturbed memory.
To launch them into memorable shadows
that remain forever mute,
secretly whispering your addictive words
that misbehave across my obsessed judgements.
One day I will understand
the wonderland excitement
your brave fingers traced for me
and I will return beautiful answers
to your already scarred predicament.
We will climb footpaths into
gentle persuasions of everyday questions.

I have added a few full stops as Tim suggested.



As soon as I breathe my thoughts
I want to suck them back
and hitch them to the bumper
of addictions that tour the corridors
of my disturbed memory,
and launch them into memorable shadows
that remain forever mute,
secretly whispering your addictive words
that misbehave across my obsessed judgements.
One day I will understand
the wonderland excitement
your brave fingers traced for me
and I will return beautiful answers
to your already scarred predicament
and we will climb footpaths into
gentle persuasions of everyday questions.

[arunansu]

This is a magical write, Pauline. I was lost in the beauty of the lines:

and hitch them to the bumper
of addictions that tour the corridors
of my disturbed memory,
and launch them into memorable shadows
that remain forever mute

This was such a spill of emotions, Pauline. Two thumbs up!

[Lovely]

Look listen girl, I like you and I thought she was brilliant...........cocaine

Like you like my nose, is getting numb? As I said writing a song for "Clapton" I need
some influence drying me up this...........................dead am with cocaine.

I do get upset when people come here and lord it over...are you joking.


I like you who knows I think you are repects I don't crit in the normal way
but affect emotions ....that is my crit it is what I do. Could not write songs for you.

To crit is not (blah) it is of the soul and heart the very self of your being

Like you. I have done my best for you guys. When you crit speak from "your heart" yea?

How are we poets without heart?

[Danté]

Pauline, I think you are exploring tough subject matter here and making a pretty good job of getting the feeling to come through the lines.

It might be worth seeing how it looks with a full stop after memory and perhaps begin the next line with "I" or some other way of opening a fresh sentence as it felt a little like the strength of those lines which follow on from where I suggest you might break, have more behind them when read as a fresh passage. Just a thought?

Your handling of a first person narrative perspective is becoming noticeably more polished as you explore your subjects.

enjoyed

Danté

[Pauline]

Thanks Aru.
Two thumbs up.
Hey praise indeed.
Cheers.

I'm glad you liked this Lovely.

Thanks Tim.
You're right about the line breaks.
I've done as you suggested and added them.
Glad you enjoyed this, and thanks for the encouraging comments.

[ray miller]

Your writing has come a long way, Pauline, and this is nice stuff. Do you need a question mark in the title? I think the poem suffers a little from an overdose of adjectives, the likes of disturbed, memorable and obsessed could easily be omitted to good effect. Maybe an alternative to "addicted"?

[Lovely]

I like my Dante and David, I will take care of them............

Dave

[Pauline]

Thanks Ray.
This is a first draft.
I expect to make changes to it.
Yeah, got a little carried away lol.

[Cryptic Cadence]

It is a beautiful poem me thinks. You certainly got your point across without making it difficult to understand, and for some stretch of the imagination it applies to me in a way.

Is there a reason you did not make paragraphs? I also felt that a more powerful feeling could have been portrayed if some words were italicized, like:

As soon as I breathe my thoughts
I want to suck them back
and hitch them to the bumper
of addictions that tour the corridors
of my disturbed memory.
To launch them into memorable shadows
that remain forever mute,
secretly whispering your addictive words
that misbehave across my obsessed judgements.
One day I will understand
the wonderland excitement
your brave fingers traced for me
and I will return beautiful answers
to your already scarred predicament.
We will climb footpaths into
gentle persuasions of everyday questions.

It seems to appeal more to the eyes especially if it's all in one paragraph, but nevertheless, awesome poem! It evokes some rather strong memories for everyone I dare say.

[nar]

Nice work, Pauline.

The overall feeling is spot-on.

One small nit:

shadows
that remain forever mute,
secretly whispering

I think I get that they could be mute, and whisper secretly, but there's still something too strong about 'mute' for me.

A very fine ending

climb footpaths into
gentle persuasions of everyday questions

Cheers,

- Neil

[Pauline]

Hi CC,
Nice to meet ya.
Thanks for the feedback.
I didn't put paragraphs in because it was just a flow of emotions.
Just getting it out there, so to say.
It's only a short piece so I didn't feel it needed to be broken up,
but I get what you're saying about emphasis on certain words.

Thanks Neil.
I also had doubts about "mute", and expected to be pulled up on it.
It just doesn't sit right does it?
Hmmm.
Gonna have to think about that.
Thanks for the Cheers though.

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Pauline,

I enjoyed this but, as others have hinted, "mute" is a strange word to use alongside "whispering".

I thought this line was a tad laborious:
that misbehave across my obsessed judgements.
- "Misbehave across"? "Titillate" perhaps?

similarly with into
gentle persuasions of everyday questions.
-Persuasions"? - I'm struggling to understand what you are saying here.

Geoff

[Pauline]

Hi Geoff.
I'm working on the points you mention as we speak, so to say.
I have lots of changes to make to this.
This is a first draft, but I knew that people would pick up on where I was going wrong
and hopefully guide me. (Is that selfish of me )
Grateful for all pointers made.
Hope it will make more sense when I have edited it

[gavin]

Pauline

Your poetry is in the dexterous handling
of your pen, you use your language to elaborate, on the human body,
and the defiance’s that illuminate the mind, to follow paths
that are lost forever, when the mind tramples on.
Love is an inevitable liability to disaster
your poem is eloquent on such a subject that is extremely complex.
Because the heart is not stone, I felt the emotion, the dying,
the hoping, the inedible fruit, you express, I say again
eloquent.

[arunansu]

Great revision. Reads better. Smiles.

[Pauline]

Hey cheers Gavin.
Bloody hell, your crit could be a poem in itself lol.

Defiance illuminates the mind,
following paths that are lost forever
when the mind tramples on.
Love is an inevitable liability to disaster,
because the heart is not stone.
It feels the emotion;
the hoping,
the dying,
and craves the inedible fruit.

Thank you Aru.
I'm pleased you like it.