Flightless Birds.

[barrie]

Picking through the remains of his life,
and other people's thrown away
take-aways,
the old man in three coats, string tied,
made a find.
Fumbling with a newspaper,
he fashioned a parcel for his pocket,
and stumbled, happlily mumbling,
onto the chaos of the pavement.
A stubbled smile was a greeting
that most folk avoided, like bodily contact
or eye impact.
Fear of contagion bent their paths,
skewed their eyes.
When he'd passed,
they shook the sand out of their hair,
along with their ostrich mentality.

Just for now.

[ki no sei]

I think it would read better as 'bodily impact...eye contact..'

I like the 'just for now', it has a certain optimistic tone for the tramp.

[barrie]

Eye contact sounded too much of a cliche, so I swapped them around. After all, not much bodily impact occurs on the street, except on Friday and Saturday night.

I take your point all the same.

cheers

[Bombadil]

I like bodily contact better.

People are less loath to look at a bum than hug one.



Me likey.

[twoleftfeet]

I don't know the technical terminology, but I would have enjoyed reading this poem for its rhythm and sound alone.
I especially like
"the old man in three coats, string tied,
made a find"
"he fashioned a parcel for his pocket"
"stumbled, happlily mumbling"

"Bodily contact , Eye impact" ,for me, works perfectly.

"Contamination" somehow disrupts the rhythm that has been created
(too many syllables?).
I can't think of a decent alternative - perhaps "exposure"?

Great stuff, all the same

Cheers
Geoff

[barrie]

I think you're right. I got out the thesaurus and happened upon 'ordure', a word I have never come across - dung, or anything unclean, it means. But I opted for 'contagion' in the end, I'm not sure about 'ordure'.

Thanks for noticing that.

cheers

[Ewan_McTeagle]

for me it starts here:

"Fumbling with a newspaper,
he fashioned a parcel for his pocket,
and stumbled, happlily mumbling,
onto the chaos of the pavement.
A stubbled smile was a greeting
that most folk avoided, like bodily contact
or eye impact.
Fear of contagion bent their paths,
skewed their eyes.
When he'd passed,
they shook the sand out of their hair,
along with their ostrich mentality. "


the intro is unnecessary in my opinion.

As twoleftfeet have noticed the rhythm and the sound of the words is so good that it could easily be a simple twaddle and I would still like it.
Very good piece.

Thanx for the read

[Kpt Quack]

I think it needs the start, as without it you lose the setting and feel for the rest of the poem. The whole forlorn feeling i got would be lost in this *edited* version.

Eye impact I feel is the weakest point of the poem. It flowed very well and your use of words and imagery is very good. However, it made me stop and think, which I feel is not the intention of the line. Eye contact is not a cliché, it's a statement of fact of an event. You do not have change statements that are made in common language. As the statement 'eye contact' sums up far more imagery and insight than eye impact!

on the whole, thank you, I think it is a very good piece.

[barrie]

Thanks for all your opinions and comments, they'll be kept in mind for future reference.

Question; does 'eye impact' not bring across the recoil that most people seem to experience when they make eye contact with a tramp?

just a thought

cheers all