Fog
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delph_ambi
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This is a fragment that needs some concrete imagery to make it work as a poem. At the moment it's a thought; a concept. Now you need to apply the old 'show, don't tell' adage and personalise this piece. Make it distinctly your own. Something nobody else could have written.
DA. I wanted this to be fragmented & unfinished. The idea I tried to convey is a person - insomniac- searching for peace & poetry in that steely grey hour that most should be awake. I use to write long poems & now
I try to make them short & bitter.
I try to make them short & bitter.
But it ain't workin'. Not for me at least. Why? This is all tell, no show. I'm not faintly interested in the fact that you lie awake at night 'abounding with dreams' (can a person even do that? and isn't it tautological to describe dreams as laden with promise?), or that you get up in the middle of the night looking for poems and words that 'fog' the dawn (and I'm not sure why you'd be looking for poems and/or words that do that, particularly). This is working really much to hard to be 'poetic' and failing in equal proportion to the effort.chicory wrote:DA. I wanted this to be fragmented & unfinished. The idea I tried to convey is a person - insomniac- searching for peace & poetry in that steely grey hour that most should be awake. I use to write long poems & now
I try to make them short & bitter.
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi
Well, I can definitely visualise a night like this (and I quite like "abounding with dreams"). What threw me a little was the last line, which suggests that you're trying to find the "poems & words / that fog the dawn", whereas I thought you might be trying to find some way to dispel the fog. No?
Cheers
David
Cheers
David
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Ros
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woah, you're all reading more into '123abc' than I could... all this stuff about dreams and things!chicory wrote:123abc
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
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Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
Oh dear. Was it my fault?
Michaela, a 'orribly crabby ol' trout
Michaela, a 'orribly crabby ol' trout
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi
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Ros
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Did I miss someone who didn't really want to discuss their poetry?
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
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Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
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Arian
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Yes, I'm afraid so Ros. Someone who clearly wanted compliments, not critique. Still, it's a shame, as I thought he/she had some promise, albeit very underdeveloped.Ros wrote:Did I miss someone who didn't really want to discuss their poetry?
peter
Last edited by Arian on Mon Aug 30, 2010 8:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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twoleftfeet
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123abc
that's how easy love poetry can be
that's how easy love poetry can be
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?