Skip the best-man lingo,
give it me straight
no chaser.
Did you kiss her?
lie me a never.
Did you fuck her?
sigh me whatever.
Qué la amas?
eye me forever.
Ella te ama?
cry me forgive her.
- Neil
Padrino de boda
Dear nar
This poem in the native hours on the bad manners
The fuel to power true poetry
It reminded me sitting on a sand bar waiting for the incoming tide of bad-manners( beers)
While girls rub suntan lotion my back,
I really liked it ((((((((( bold)))))))))))
(((((((((Vivid)))))))) ((((((((((original))))))))) (((((((strength)))))))))))
This poem in the native hours on the bad manners
The fuel to power true poetry
It reminded me sitting on a sand bar waiting for the incoming tide of bad-manners( beers)
While girls rub suntan lotion my back,
I really liked it ((((((((( bold)))))))))))
(((((((((Vivid)))))))) ((((((((((original))))))))) (((((((strength)))))))))))
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- Perspicacious Poster
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Hi Neil,
Your poems are so exciting these days I find that I get a little excited to see what they will be about.
I am so bad at the crit side of things so I can't say much about them though! I can say I enjoyed it. I like the colorful language. I enjoyed the short lines but could like the slightly longer too!
I liked "lie me a never". I probably shouldn't but I did! Keep them coming, Neil.
You have an audience.
Suzanne
Your poems are so exciting these days I find that I get a little excited to see what they will be about.
I am so bad at the crit side of things so I can't say much about them though! I can say I enjoyed it. I like the colorful language. I enjoyed the short lines but could like the slightly longer too!
I liked "lie me a never". I probably shouldn't but I did! Keep them coming, Neil.
You have an audience.
Suzanne
Quite simplistic, almost naively so. I liked the first line- the almost intentional abuse of syntax worked very well, and your enjambment made it flow very well. I didn't mind the second couplet but the third seemed very redundant and dull. You have to forgive me, but I am not sure what language you used with the first line of the next two couplets (french?)
But the follow-up line of both stanzas, was, again dull. It didn't shed any additional light about the poem- and that disappointed me.
But the follow-up line of both stanzas, was, again dull. It didn't shed any additional light about the poem- and that disappointed me.
</3
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- Preponderant Poster
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Thanks, everyone.
Gavin: sand-bar, suntan lotion: lol .
Suz: thanks, not sure about longer lines, but worth a thought.
Mulbery: the foreign is spanish, as is the title. Sorry it didn't work so well for you. Hope some of my others might.
David: yes, variations of "Cry Me A River" - it started off as word play, and only made it a little further than that .
Cheers again for the time on this wee one.
- Neil
Gavin: sand-bar, suntan lotion: lol .
Suz: thanks, not sure about longer lines, but worth a thought.
Mulbery: the foreign is spanish, as is the title. Sorry it didn't work so well for you. Hope some of my others might.
David: yes, variations of "Cry Me A River" - it started off as word play, and only made it a little further than that .
Cheers again for the time on this wee one.
- Neil
War does not determine who is right - only who is left. (Bertrand Russell)
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- Perspicacious Poster
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- Location: Land of the Midnight Sun
I think it was the first line that caught me. I want to say it to someone. I probably won't get the chance, eh? I might just throw it out at one of my kids... oh, they'd laugh and laugh. I'll let you know how it goes. Suzanne