lady bush ranger

[gavin]

lady bush ranger----------------

your cordial kiss suck me dry
as the cracked earth in swift currents of winds
the pommel of a sword rusting in the dust
so ill matched to fill your vacancy
outside earthly affairs where humming birds feed
green is the grass blue is the sky
manacled to this tree
be industrious rubbing my

let your breasts slumber
the inkling of autumn when the trees begin to sleep
a concubine, a young woman bathing
leaves falling her body, the flowing curves of a river
for my experience
those sleeping mountains rupture
gentle peaks find expression
dint the air when they are nearer together

yes girlie I’m rich for temptation
in the dust witches scorched bones lie
for temptation dissemble them
beneath the cracked earth fare for the worms
I feel your soft bodied mollusk driving my radiation
too the colour of a tomato
sit on my mouth and cause me vascular obstruction

[Suzanne]

Gavin, gosh. You have a strong voice though not always clearly understood.
She is back, your lady bush ranger! And you are leaning on the tree?

You have a lot of imagery in this with your characteristic fresh phrasing.
I think that the first verse is missing a few words in the last line?

It is difficult to know to reply to your work, some places are very clear and other spots are confusing.
Your turn of phrase is so interesting that it leads the reader to the end.

An edit would be great to read. Nice to see you posting.
Suzanne

[Danté]

Gavin,

This is an interesting depiction which is in my opinion being hampered by some language which is lending itself to a more archaic feel when combined with its grammatical construction. There are also a number of errors in the wording, which can easily be sorted.

your kiss sucks me dry
as earth racked by swift winds.
The pommel of a rusting sword
so ill matched to fill your vacancy

I have trimmed the four lines above, but personally and this is just my own preference, I find that once one starts having a sword included as an image or metaphor it will have a tendency to make the poem feel a little dated, unless it is presented in an innovative, contemporary way. I have no problem with the idea of doing something fresh with worn images but I do think that green grass and blue sky is always going to be a turn off as it is as obvious as night and day.

The passage below comes across as an incomplete thought, I am guessing that the reader is expected to insert the relevant member into the space where one would expect the article. Once again the grammatical construction feels more akin to bygone times and I wonder if that is your intention or if you are influenced by having read poetry from previous centuries.

beyond earthly affairs where humming birds feed
green is the grass blue is the sky
manacled to this tree
be industrious rubbing my

Should "too" be "to"?

And once again there is some awkward construction of the phrasing

yes girlie I’m rich for temptation
in the dust witches scorched bones lie
for temptation dissemble them
beneath the cracked earth fare for the worms

Reads as though the narrator is "rich for temptation in the dust witches scorched bones lie" which makes little sense.

Perhaps something along the lines of

yes girlie I’m rich for temptation,
the scorched bones of dust witches
lie waiting for temptation to dissemble them
beneath cracked earth, fare for the worms

I get the impression that the closing lines of the poem are a, sit on my face and I'll tell you a story kind of moment.

There is something mildly disturbing about having worms and a mollusc in close proximity in what I would have expected to have been a moment of raw sexual interplay.

You have some good words in the poem and the typos can easily be sorted, and don't present a major issue in an initial draft.

If it were my piece, I'd work through a verse at a time and ditch the clichés, then replace them with something more in keeping with the less obvious descriptions.

It's certainly worth tidying this up and reworking into a stronger piece.

all the best

Danté

[dogdaysinsoho]

Some intriguing wordchoices here! That said, I think there may be a couple words missing, here: "be industrious rubbing my (?)"

"leaves falling (on?) her body"

"yes girlie I’m rich for temptation"

Nice line, that.

Would be great to see a revised version of this!

[gavin]

Suzanne
Thanks for your crit,
You are see my madness at its happiest although the delivery escaped,
In places it will all come together in a year,

What i do find (((((( arrows,)))))))))) never hurt you it’s the person that fired the arrow,

I’m talking about the moderators, and Rose being one of them.

[gavin]

DANTA

Wonderful Dante

What a crit—its dose satisfy my appetite to see you construct a poem,
You poetry blacksmith working the hot words of iron on the anvil of poetry,
I get my tutor to read it to me so i can understand what you say,


OK the poem it-self will be on going you mention the sward the poem is mint to be old,

Lady bush ranger is based on Mable Forest poem ---moon light, i pay people to read them to me,

I will redo the poem! Lady bush ranger,

I listen to Dylan Thomas on CD, , i have frontage by a river, and so listen to the readings while walking the dogs,

The idea of the poem was to get silent rhyme into it,( lady bush ranger)

Awkward-construction----------is to say, something so sexual, so all wise sexually,
Without saying it at all ,,,,, like the pink inside the tulip, youth and vigour,

Said in a construction would be very sexual, so shall work on it,

In my eternal life, unable to read and write, which is nothing, for me any away!

One can go to another sense that is hyper, covering for the other weakness,

I will get the tutor to read their poetry, and i can tell what their lives are like;

And that is the moderators on this board,

But that said, I’m going to change poetry ??????????????

Thank you for your courage,

I in writing to you see where i’m coming from,----- do not tiptoe around me,

Crits can only make me stronger, like a vampire i feed off their stupidity----- people who don’t know me;

I’m going back to post -a –poem they were so harsh, so human in their crit, that i slowly but slowly

Will get back on there , it only makes me stronger, watch this space,

[gavin]

Dogdatsinsoho

Hay man thanks for the crit,

I;m a poet missing----

Poets are immortal, we have the whole nation in our pens

But we are all forbidden by the fundamentals of poetry;

What is that you ask ? its narration?

[Ros]

What i do find (((((( arrows,)))))))))) never hurt you it’s the person that fired the arrow,

I’m talking about the moderators, and Rose being one of them.

Gavin, I have no idea what you're saying. If you have a problem with my actions, just spit it out, man.

Ros

[gavin]

rose to just spit it out---------

still you would not understand me,

[Ros]

rose to just spit it out---------

still you would not understand me,

Well, if you can't express yourself in words, we're a bit doomed here. We're a very wordy site.