Ice cream

[Sharra]

I like this room. The barely-used bed poised
over floorboards that I sweep everyday
whilst looking out over the garden
where I burrowed into the ground and the mud
compacted under my fingernails
clings to my skin like the way names stick
even now I’ve shed my caterpillar fat
and I’m as light as a butterfly
I still never eat lunch just make do
with the ice cubes I eat instead
of the ice cream I bought last summer
when you came to stay for a week
only you left after two days
and have been silent ever since.

[Ros]

Oh, I like this one. Great pace. Perhaps 'crunch' instead of the second eat? Adds to the alliteration and avoids repeating the word? I see how you need it for the caterpillar, but I'm not so keen on light as a butterfly. But these are minor nits. Great stuff.

Ros

[ray miller]

Liked it lots, "clings to my skin like the way names stick" is a great line. I'd only quibble the beginning and end. "I like this room" is underwhelming - even if it's meant to be.The last two lines are ok, but no more than that.

[aaron]

I think this is a really beautiful poem - and it moves me because I think the theme is about the emotionality of loss, the expression of which is an anorexic behaviour. This is the way it strikes me anyway; and I developed anorexia after a painful loss. This is something I've written about allot. Icecream has really unhelpul connotations as a title; immediately you are anticipating something duvenile or humarous. There is also great poetic slippage between experiences and a nice use of sensously evocative language. Its a good corrective to some other poems I have seen here.

[calico]

Great Sharra! Practically perfect in every way.

[brianedwards]

Full stop needed after butterfly? You lose me a bit there. The end could do with a bit more meat, or maybe just a little more interesting sonic device perhaps? It does fall a little flat towards the end. Great draft though, lots worth developing.

B.

[Sharra]

Thanks for the comments
Ros, 'crunch' is a great suggestion.
Ray, I'll have another look at the ending as it felt a little weak to me too.
aaron and calico - thanks.
Brian, I don't want any punctuation in it, the lines are sposed to flow on so that bit could be read 'even now I’ve shed my caterpillar fat, and I’m as light as a butterfly, I still never eat lunch' maybe i should change it to 'still I never eat lunch' ?
or find another way to tweak it so it's less confusing.
Nicky
x

[Annwn]

I like this room...that gets me...its...from a lot of beginnings
The barely-used bed poised
over floorboards that I sweep everyday...i sweep my bed as well [needs a ''the'' i think..that wont disturb the beat ]
i like the constant nature of this...streaming through the mind like the original thoughts did


louis

[brianedwards]

Mmm, I see Nicky.
The fullstop in the first line set me up to expect a poem with punctuation . . . and then there is another at the end. Probably wise to throw those lines around a bit. Ambiguity is one thing but obfuscation is another . . .

B.

[Annwn]

i would assume that i ve got that right m'dear...by the way...and there was intent in that...

[delph_ambi]

Good stuff. Effectively and appropriately 'light'.

A few nitpicks/suggestions:

Line one: I would lose 'poised' as it gave me an image of the bed somehow levitating to allow you to sweep underneath it.

Line two: I don't think you need 'that'.

Line six: lose 'like'. Smoother without.

Line eight: consider re-wording as, "and I'm butterfly-light" as that's, to my mind, a fresher way of expressing the same thing.

Lines ten and eleven, I'd lose both definite articles, ie: "with ice cubes I eat instead / of ice cream I bought last summer"

[brianedwards]

i would assume that i ve got that right m'dear...by the way...and there was intent in that...

Huh?

[Sharra]

Thanks Delph
I've taken on board almost all your suggestions, and I especially liked butterfly-light.
Nicky
x

[Mr Black]

removed

[coffeedodger]

No it isn't just you. I can't abide poems with invisible punctuation.