The un-set moon

[lo-lee-ta]

As the thrush sang loud
and your eyes danced bright,
It felt like the sun should never set again.

And the hurrying breath of the wind
Swirled around your fallen hair
As you offered an ear to lend.

I began to tell you of nonsensical dreams
Where yesterdays myths would sing
And the un-set moon would be dancing forever, pushing everything out to space

That thrush kept singing happy and sweet
And your eyes they still danced as we –
discussed oceans that carry the memories of man
and of love that died happily

While we wondered and sang of tomorrow
I thought of one thing
I hoped that skittish songbird
Had another little bird with whom to sing


And I thought of this while I listened to you
And bathed in the warmth you bring

[nar]

Hi, lo-lee-ta.

This isn't normally the type of thing I like, but it deserves a crit at least.

There are some nice sounds in here:

yesterdays myths

&

skittish songbird

The poem itself feels a little too 'personal', and I can't quite enage with it. If you could help bring the reader into it, I think it would be improved. Currently I feel outside when I read it (voyeuristic even).

I do however like the idea of the un-set moon. I'd be tempted to play with that idea a little more.

Thanks,

- Neil.

[windowfrost]

I enjoyed this.

I began to tell you of nonsensical dreams
Where yesterdays myths would sing

really nice.

[lo-lee-ta]

@ Nar - Thanks for your comments, I have been a little unsure about it myself so its good to get some feedback!
Its only my first poem so i'm really just messing around with things at the mo

Thank you! x

[lo-lee-ta]

@Windowfrost - Thank you, it's great to know what people think! x