The Toad

[lo-lee-ta]

The Toad

I once saw a toad wrap himself in a blanket,
then stepped right onto a lillie and sank it
The blanket forced him to the bottom of the lake
where he struggled and searched for a reed he could take

He grasped at nothing and began to fear
that here in the nothing he would disappear,
as he started to fade he thought of the blanket
and in his last moments decided to thank it

For the closer he got to what comes after
his head and his heart were full of laughter
he saw a dream of a world far better than his
and welcomed his death with a watery kiss.

[Nash]

Hello Lo,

Well I really quite like this, it has a sort of innocent oddness about it.

If it were mine then I'd lose the exclamation mark at the end of line 2. I know there's a humourous side to the poem but I think that it makes it a little too comical.

You've gone for a 12 syllable count on each line in the first verse, but I think it might read better if you lost the word 'green' from the second line. Same goes for 'he' in line 8.

Have you ever read any Stevie Smith? Sort of reminds me of her a bit. Here's one you might like (or not):

http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarch ... oemId=7090

[Nicky B]

I was very unsure about this to begin with, the first couple of lines didn't quite scan for me, but then it seemed to find its flow and really made me smile. It's very refreshing to read something light hearted and entertaining.
Thank you for the grin.
Nicky B

[lo-lee-ta]

Hello Lo,

Well I really quite like this, it has a sort of innocent oddness about it.

If it were mine then I'd lose the exclamation mark at the end of line 2. I know there's a humourous side to the poem but I think that it makes it a little too comical.

You've gone for a 12 syllable count on each line in the first verse, but I think it might read better if you lost the word 'green' from the second line. Same goes for 'he' in line 8.

Have you ever read any Stevie Smith? Sort of reminds me of her a bit. Here's one you might like (or not):

http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarch ... oemId=7090

Hi Nash,
Thanks for taking the time to read my poem I've gone over it and agree with you, the poem reads much better when 'green' and 'he' have been removed. I'll go edit it now!
I have not heard of Stevie Smith before but have just read the poem you recommended and love it!! I'll be reading much more of her from now on! Thanks for introducing me! xx

[lo-lee-ta]

I was very unsure about this to begin with, the first couple of lines didn't quite scan for me, but then it seemed to find its flow and really made me smile. It's very refreshing to read something light hearted and entertaining.
Thank you for the grin.
Nicky B

Hi Nicky B

Thank you for your comments. Glad it made you smile xx

[Richardthelionheart]

Hi Lo, I think this is a lovely, bitter-sweet poem. A big plus for me, was turning "nothing" into a "something" in stanza 2. Nice touch. Hard to criticise something you like, but if this were mine I would change the following: In S1, toads are usually referred to as hopping or leaping, so perhaps "then he hopped on a lilly and duly sank it" may be an alternative.? I also think you're struggling a little in S3, which may read easier like so "For the nearer he came to the everafter, his head and his heart bloated with laughter", and finally in L3 S3, I think omitting the words "a dream of", and inserting the word "for" at the beginning of the line would help with the flow, like so - "For he saw a world far better than this". Hope you dont think Ive been too pedantic or critical, just observations. As I said, I do like it. Good effort. Lionheart.

[lo-lee-ta]

Hi Lo, I think this is a lovely, bitter-sweet poem. A big plus for me, was turning "nothing" into a "something" in stanza 2. Nice touch. Hard to criticise something you like, but if this were mine I would change the following: In S1, toads are usually referred to as hopping or leaping, so perhaps "then he hopped on a lilly and duly sank it" may be an alternative.? I also think you're struggling a little in S3, which may read easier like so "For the nearer he came to the everafter, his head and his heart bloated with laughter", and finally in L3 S3, I think omitting the words "a dream of", and inserting the word "for" at the beginning of the line would help with the flow, like so - "For he saw a world far better than this". Hope you dont think Ive been too pedantic or critical, just observations. As I said, I do like it. Good effort. Lionheart.

Hello!
No I don't think you've been pedantic or overly criticial. I found your response to be very complementary
Thanks very much for you comments, when I next get the chance I'll go over it and re-jig it, taking into account your suggestions. I think you're absolutely right about changing 'stepped' to 'hopped', toads don't really step do they? Then again, they don't very often wrap themselves in blankets either haha!
Thanks again for taking the time to read my poem! x

[windowfrost]

I like it, child-like yet thoughtful. Though I don't believe it is really about a toad! haha, are you the toad?

[Nino]

Hi Lolita

I can't help but like your poems, you have a good, recognisable voice. But this poem has nothing logical in it and if you chose a metaphor you need to be careful to make it work on multiple levels. You admit yourself that toads don't wrap themselves in blankets, nor do they step and hope, why do you think the reader will be fooled? I know you are just starting out and I think you will become good if you study hard, you have a good imagination and as I said voice. Please don't take this critique as a criticism, if you always hear how good you are you will lose the drive to become better then good. Read up about metaphor. If you need any help let me know and I can give you good links.
Nino

P.S. thanks for sharing

[Alexcanwell]

I enjoyed this poem. Quite sinister but still retains a light-hearted feel, thanks.

[lo-lee-ta]

I like it, child-like yet thoughtful. Though I don't believe it is really about a toad! haha, are you the toad?

hehe I don't know if I'm the toad, probably! If so, it was unintended! Thanks for reeeeeading! x

[lo-lee-ta]

Hi Lolita

I can't help but like your poems, you have a good, recognisable voice. But this poem has nothing logical in it and if you chose a metaphor you need to be careful to make it work on multiple levels. You admit yourself that toads don't wrap themselves in blankets, nor do they step and hope, why do you think the reader will be fooled? I know you are just starting out and I think you will become good if you study hard, you have a good imagination and as I said voice. Please don't take this critique as a criticism, if you always hear how good you are you will lose the drive to become better then good. Read up about metaphor. If you need any help let me know and I can give you good links.
Nino

P.S. thanks for sharing

Thank you for your comments Nino. The poem is not supposed to be logical, I like nonsense and make-believe quite a lot. I think its necessary in a world so heavily reliant on and obsessed with logic and structure. You're right frogs don't wrap themselves in blankets, nor do they drown in rivers or (i doubt) see worlds better than theirs before they die and welcome death. I do not for a second think the reader will be fooled into thinking toads do all of these things, it's not meant to make sense. I don't think this poem was intended to be a metaphor for anything, although i'm never quite sure of what comes out my own head and what it means I am going to go over it again when I have a chance and i'll take your advice on board when i do. Thanks!

[lo-lee-ta]

I enjoyed this poem. Quite sinister but still retains a light-hearted feel, thanks.

Hello!
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment!

[KevJ]

I very much enjoyed the humor here. Has a good rhythm. Love the images of the toad dying with laughter.

[gavin]

hello lie-lo-Lilly

it transverse to the same field hospital as your head

one can purify a poem by many distillation, through the water out,

[terriblefish]

I enjoyed the juxtaposing ideas you used! Like a toad needing to wrap itself in a blanket, or drowning then laughing about it! It's utterly eccentric and I loved it for that, and for that reason no nits to offer what so ever

Much enjoyed, thank you.

tf

[lo-lee-ta]

hello lie-lo-Lilly

it transverse to the same field hospital as your head

one can purify a poem by many distillation, through the water out,

Hi Gavin!
I'm afraid I'm not sure what you mean by field hospital?
Thank you very much for reading and taking the time to comment thought