Calando (revised)

[Ros]

Strange, after playing for so long
that her fingers stiffen, will not reach the chord.
He taps the beat impatiently; she stutters
past semiquavers, minims, excuses,
manages an arpeggio. Later,
alone, larghetto, she notices how
passages she learned with ease snag
on shreds of air. Downstairs
her son ascends the scales, is already
in altissimo. She hears him laugh,
imagines he rises above the orchestra,
past concert pitch, escapes her range
of hearing. As she puts away the score,
her fingers tremble in the high, thin air.



~~~~~~
original

calando *


Strange, that after playing for so long
her fingers stiffen, will not reach the chord.
He taps the beat impatiently; she stutters
past semiquavers, makes an excuse,
manages arpeggio. Later,
alone, larghetto, she notes how
passages she learned with ease snag
and catch on wisps of air. Downstairs
her son ascends the scales, already soaring
in altissimo. She hears them laugh,
fancies they rise above the orchestra,
reach concert pitch, escape her range
of hearing. She tidies away the score,
reaches for a knitting magazine.



*falling away

~~~ heavily revised version of Knowing the Score ~~~~~~

[David]

This is lovely, Ros. (Not sure I remember Keeping the Score. Is it an old one?)

Not sure what "stuttering past semiquavers" would sound like.

she notes how
passages she learned with ease snag
and catch on wisps of air.

- this is really lovely.

Who's them? Clearly not the scales, but ... him and his dad? Ah no, his girlfriend, because this is all about the failing - or ossifying - of sexual desire, isn't it?

Nice finish, but the knitting magazine is too stereotypical, I think.

Really nice poem. (N.B. Spelling error in your title?)

Cheers

David

[Ros]

Thanks, David. I wondered about the last line. And I corrected the title the wrong way!

Ros

[Denis Joe]

Ros, I really fell for this one. It's a poem that uses its subject as a metaphor really well and I found that I was thinking of poetry writing/reading rather than music playing.

I love the title.

The use of 'strange' as the opening line is great, it acts as a beckoning gesture really well. trhe enjambment works well also. I particularly like

. . . she notes how
passages she learned with ease snag
and catch on wisps of air.. .

and the use of the word 'snag' actually does that in the poem as it stands out like a misplaced chord.

I think that the repetion of 'she' in the latter half of the poem gives it a weak spot though. But I wonder if this is not a minor quibble (or even just me looking for fault).

All in all a beautiful poem, mate!

[brianedwards]

Still enjoying this Ros. A few thoughts:
You don't need the first comma in the first sentence. Usually whatever appears between two commas, like this, can be removed without affecting the meaning of the sentence. Not the case here clearly.
In line 4, I wonder if you might add another note to emphasise the stuttering?
Something like:
past semiquavers, minims, makes an excuse

The only other thing I wonder about is "knitting magazine". It pushes the whole towards a comedy of manners and I'm not sure that is intended?

B.

[Mic]

Hi Ros, this otherwise good poem is undone by that last line.

[Ros]

Denis, thanks, I shall reconsider the she. I think it would be better without two of them.

Brian, thanks, I like the minims but I'm trying to keep to 5 beats a line. Maybe past semiquavers, minims, excuses... hmm

Mic, you said it! That last line will have to change.

Cheers all!

Ros

[David]

So, how about addressing the last line in this excellent poem? Too good to go to waste, Ros.

[Ros]

Thanks, David. It's had a bit of a real-life mauling, and it's licking its wounds at the moment. I will come back to it, though.

Ros

[brianedwards]

Brian, thanks, I like the minims but I'm trying to keep to 5 beats a line. Maybe past semiquavers, minims, excuses... hmm

Yes Ros, but I thought the extra detail would create a pleasing stumble in the rhythm.

[clarabow]

Ros, this is a much better version. Just the last line to re-think?

[delph_ambi]

I would say 'manages an arpeggio'. Makes better grammatical sense and easier to read out loud.

Regarding the knitting magazine, if it were my poem I would turn it on its head and have her reaching for 'Sky Diving Weekly' or something like that. But that's just me.

Super poem.

[Sharra]

Ros this is a much better version
I too love the 'snag' image - it's just gorgeous
My only nits are with the last 3 lines... if they're rising above the orchestra they would be above concert pitch as thats where the orchestra would be playing at.
And I'm not keen on the ending, I don't think its the idea of her coming back to a mundane safe task thats the issue for me - as that seems to be the whole point - i think its the sonics of it - the word 'magazine' feels too leaden for me.
Nicky
x

[Ros]

Thanks, all. I've attempted a revision, removing one of the persons as it was causing some confusion. And I've changed the sense of the last line.

Ros

[brianedwards]

Ros, I don't know what the problem was with them . . . the meaning changes with the son alone, the reason for his laughter less obvious, but not in a good way, for me. Glad to see the back of the knitting magazine, but not very keen on the oh-so-poetic "tremble" . . .

[Ros]

Thanks, Brian. You didn't find any confusion with the three characters?

How about shiver instead of tremble?

Actually, I'm thinking

her hands shiver in the high, thin air.

to avoid the repetition of fingers.

[brianedwards]

I thought it was very clear. In fact, I can't imagine how there could be any confusion . . .
"shiver" suggests cold . . . is there a musical term that suggests something similar to tremble . . . or, how about this

her fingers rest

one beat less I know, but it has a nice double meaning with the musical context . . . and "high, thin air" , no way of saying that with a single noun?

[brianedwards]

I like the repetition of fingers, how it circles back.

[Sharra]

I like the changes Ros - and yes i like the repetition of fingers too, I think 'rest' would work much better than tremble.
Nicky
x

[David]

I preferred the placing of "that" in the first two lines of the original, but "an arpeggio" is better.

I'm sorry to see "soaring" go, and I don't see the gain in replacing "them" with "him", or in the repetition of "fingers", and to be honest with you, although I'm glad to see the knitting magazine disappear, I'm not wild about the new ending.

So, all in all, I think I like the first version better. Ain't that just the way?

If you must repeat the fingers, you could have agitated fingers.

Cheers

David

[Ros]

Thanks, chaps. Hard to know which way to jump with this one. I'm trying to get the idea of high altitude. Does rest work if she's in the act of doing something?

[brianedwards]

Thanks, chaps. Hard to know which way to jump with this one. I'm trying to get the idea of high altitude. Does rest work if she's in the act of doing something?

Yep.

I was thinking of suggesting altitude but it's not a very attractive word is it . . .

[Ros]

Rarefied doesn't really work either, unfortunately. I'm thinking 'pause' instead of 'rest' at the moment.

[brianedwards]

You don't think the plosive is a little noisy?

[Ros]

Maybe a bit, but counteracted by the rather nice alliteration with puts, I thought:

of hearing. As she puts away the score,
her fingers pause in the high, thin air.

and the longer vowel adds to the actual pause. I thought.