Allotments

[dogofdiogenes]

Come autumn we smash hedges with chains,
a breaking of bones back to wood.
The spidered brides of September

stand clipped like witches,faggots
for their own burning on
the fat bit of the year.

I am handed the sun on the nape of my neck,
a different weight
as I tread the discarded cots of cabbages

and the sightless thorns, not meaning to cause harm
but doing it anyway.
Homely smells, sweetish scents

and the burning of others,
their books.

[nar]

Nice, Jacques.

Feels earthy and reads out well.

"The spidered brides of September"

isn't quite working for me. For some reason I want widows in there. :/

Hope to come back to this one (on mobby now).

Cheers,

- Neil

[Mr Black]

?

[clarabow]

Yes, it has a seasonal feel and some interesting images. The lines mentioned work for me as I read them in a poetic sense. Burning of books down on the allotment - having to think about this line!

[brianedwards]

Jacques,
I can't get past the line "I am handed the sun", which makes me question who or what is the active agent. Alongside the burning of witches and books, it takes the poem into areas I'm not sure it needs (or wants) to go?

I need a coffee.

B.

[ray miller]

I like the first 6 lines, the breaking of bones back to wood, especially, nice concept.

I am handed the sun on the nape of my neck - just seems a very odd way of putting it, whereas the "thorns, not meaning to cause harm but doing it anyway" just seems very prosaic. You can't win, can you?

Hot - Dog

[dogofdiogenes]

A late thank you for the comments on this-especially yours, ray-will take it from where you commented in the rewrite. I was standing down the allotments inhaling woodsmoke and everything felt so much more disturbing than seasons of mist etc. I didn't want to lose that.

Thank you again

overdone dog

[Nino]

Hello

The poem started extremely promising, I like first stanza and a first line of second. My problem here is that your images are all over the place: trees are like brides then witches and faggots and after the story turns to "I " too abruptly.
I really like trees like brides it is new, fresh and imaginative. I also liked the sun on neck a different weight as it is not summer hot, but the rest of the poem does not work for me. Why don't you concentrate on the image of brides and explore it more?
I would love to see some mist and pumpkins too.

Good job and thank you for sharing.
Nino

[delph_ambi]

I'd replace 'spidered' with 'splintered'. It might be a too obvious word, but it doesn't half work sonically. I like the sun line as it stands. Absolutely hate the ending. Book burning? No. Quite out of place in this poem. Reads like a complete non sequitur to me. Love the rest of it, and I know what you mean about all that mellow fruitfulness and seasonal mistiness being sometimes at odds with reality.